Hi Eclipsed,

That's a really good quesion you raise, in a specifically interesting way.

i pulled this out of what you wrote:

Quote Originally Posted by Eclipsed

Now, here's my problem, I'm a pleaser. I spend most of my days trying to make sure everyone around me is as happy possible, even if this costs me my own happiness. I will do almost anything to make sure, my friends, classmates, and peers are happy or pleased.
...i pulled it out because i think it's a very interesting point and something you're right to consider when starting a new relationship (any relationship, actually, but especially a Ds one). There has always seemed to me, to be a contradiction between this trait of wanting to please people that many subs seem to carry and setting limits or boundaries on a Ds relationship.

On a personal note, interestingly, once i'd become established in a Ds relationship, i actually became more selective in who i pleased and how far i would put myself out to keep trying to please people in my life. i'm not sure if this was because my own Dom encouraged me to realise that being submissive doesn't mean i should constantly give my time, effort and energy ALL the time, to everyone around me and expect nothing in return, in that submission gave me confidence to say "No, i don't want to do that" or "No, i'm sorry, i don't have time"..not in the Ds world, but in the rest of life. i only mention this in reference to what you said about pleasing people around you, at the expense of your own happiness.

Anyway, getting back to you and your Ds...i would very much second what others have said about BDSM checklists etc in terms of pratical matters, but i get the feeling that you and your dom need to sort out a few relationship issues that don't necessarily directly pertain to purely pratical things. For instance, i confess to feeling slightly concerned with some of the stuff you say about having done things you wern't comfortable with....but i wouldn't be overly concerned about it (unless you remain REALLY unhappy with that stuff for weeks afterwards)..BDSM can be scary at times, in the moment, but as long as it doesn't cause lasting unhappiness or an ongoing 'uneasy' feeling somewhere deep inside, it should be fine. The only thing therefore that DOES worry me is this:

Quote Originally Posted by Eclipsed
We've already more or less established some hard limits and some soft limits, but he's so damned iffy on everything and a really big fan of humiliation play. Like the other day, I told him I was NOT into something in a pm and he used it as a way to punish me in the main room. Someone asked me if i was ok w/ all that. I told them not really, but i didn't hve much choice in the matter and they called me a "good subbie."
How do you mean, 'iffy'? If something's a limit, then it's a limit, end of story. It may not remain so forever, but it is until such time as you say it isn't. i also don't like the sound of punishing you for saying you're not into something...that's like punishing someone because they don't like icecream..unless that wasn't what you meant and you meant it was the way you said it or something?

So, at the end of all this (i'll shut up in a minute, i promise!), i think prior to checklists etc etc, you should discuss some of your reservations about how you both see Ds..and this is what it really comes down to, it's not so much that he's in the 'wrong'..more that his way of going about things concerns you in terms of how well you know yourself and the issues regarding boundaries that immediately arise as a result of that. i don't know of a single good dominant who wouldn't be prepared to listen and explain themselves and indeed help you work out what's going on.

Right, i'll be quiet. Hope all this is of some help.

sl