Oh, my goodness, moptop!

I do believe we've had a pussy meltdown in here. Go you!
That was quite a hot tail, err, tale. Okay, both! I'm so glad I was able to slip that right in before I head out of town.

Yes, that was very, very hot! I've renamed this thread. We'll see if it gets our men reviewers to jump in.

Here's some things to think about and try in the future:

1. Watch the use of semicolons and colons. They do not a period make.

2. Try shortening longer sentences to help with pacing.

3. The present tense makes this difficult to read.

4. The active past tense would be perfect for this story.

5. If you are writing in first person, you don't really know what the other person is thinking or experiencing. You can guess, you can think, you can wonder, etc. however, since you are not the omniscient narrator, it is a cheat to state things as fact that you are only guessing. You might want to pepper in phrases like "I bet", "I just knew", "It seemed", or "I thought" before describing what the new sub is going through.

6. Some of your descriptions and poses are confusing. I wasn't sure if the new sub was on her back or front, or what the problem was with the spreader bar.

7. You brought some wonderful details into this story such as the descriptions of what the leading lady was doing. You really brought the five senses into this piece which makes it very strong.

8. The action flowed very nicely from one moment to the next. The pacing was handled very well with the wording, if not the punctuation. A little practice on this will go along way for you.

9. Think about electronic readers and shorten longer paragraphs.

10. Please get into the habit of adding a copyright to any of the stories you post here. (It's something I'd like all my students to do.)

If you are still struggling with your current assignment, then I offer this next assignment as an mini step to get you there:

Take this story, turn it into past and active tenses while keeping the first person voice.

Piece of cake, right?

* glances at Tessa and wonders if she'll agree or not *

Do you accept the challenge?

Looking forward to whichever assignment you choose next.

Write on!

Ruby