HGZero's first assignment

[Dragon's muse]

Good plot development with just enough backstory to make it interesting.
You capture terror well.


When you are doing a scene with two people of the same gender it gets tricky. You have to remember that "she" or "her" always refers to the last named person. If your reader has to stop to puzzle out exactly who you are referring to, you have probably lost them.

Overall, a nice beginning. i'll get your next assignment up today or tomorrow.

This would be the introductor chapter to a nice little series about fundraising.

Laura Carlson sipped her martini at the bar. "This is the dullest party in history," she thought. She gasped aloud when a large pair of warm hands grasped her by the shoulders and spun her around on the barstool. The pair of hands did not belong to just one man, but two. The men were dressed in identical suits and wore the same dark sunglasses, even at this late (delete) hour of the night. The only difference between the two built men was that one was white with fire red hair, and the other was dark as night with no hair.

"Laura Carter? Your name does not appear on the list but one of the organizers said he recognized you. Will you please come with us so we can get this little," the man with no hair looked to his partner with a smile and said, "security matter cleared up"

"Did I say Laura Carter? I clearly meant Laura Smith," said the woman. She finished off her martini and tossed it over the edge of the bar. "Damn fascists."

"Please come with us Ma'am," said the red haired guard.

"I'm not going anywhere with you two. Who hires goons like you two for a small political fund raiser anyway?" Laura felt regretful for tossing the drink over the bar because she now had nothing to toss at either of the men. The room had grown silent from her little outburst and she was about to blow her cover just to get out the door.

"Ma'am, a friend of yours would like to talk with you privately. Come with us," said no hair. It was not a request and, by the way both men lifted her out of her chair, it was clearly just a formality. Laura closed her eyes and tried to imagine what her editor would say if word got back to him that she had thrown a fit on her first assignment covering small town politics.

In the next room, no hair sat her down in a chair while red head closed the door. It gave a dull thud and the sound died before going much further. She was surprised any pollution (very unclear here) would own a room with such poor acoustics ,seeing as (bit of a colloquialism here, jars just a bit, maybe change to "as much as they all loved to hear themselves speak. She was tapped (i think you mean "taped" here) into the chair just under her chest, along her legs, and one more time to secure her hands behind her back.

"What the hell is going on here!" shouted Linda.

"Just wait," said no hair. He pulled out a cigarette from his pocket.

"Give me one, Tyrone, you know how these crazy bitches always get on my nerves," said red head. Tyrone laughed and handed his partner a smoke. He leaned into the light so Laura could see him and blew the pollution directly into her face.

"My partner, Jake, has a bad habit of roughing up the women we bring to this room (simplify to "here"). He says it's therapeutic. Don't ya Jake?" said Tyrone.

Jake cracked his knuckles and took a long drag. "It helps me work out past (delete) issues I have with my mother. My therapist thinks I'm not making any progress in confronting my issues but what can I say?" He took another drag. "I could only kill the bitch once."

They both laughed and Laura felt ready to scream. She looked from side to side to try and get a feel for the room. It was nearly impossible because the light in her face forced her into an almost constant squint.

"Ok, I'm Laura Carlson. I'm a reporter for the Daily Star. I'm scared and I've learned my lesson. Can I go home now? I promise not to tell anyone that I was brought here," she pleaded.

Both of the men laughed and Tyrone slapped Jake's arm. He then put his hands together and did a high pitched imitation of Laura. Jake laughed so hard that when he slapped the back of Laura's chair she could feel popping up and down the length of her spine. Tears welled up in her eyes.

"It's a joke right? There's a camera? Is my boss playing a trick on me? Probably for the internet, right? Just let me in on the joke. I'm a great actor. I can take it," said Laura.

"Yea, It's all a joke," said Jake.

"I'm laughing," said Tyrone.

Laura rocked in the chair and tried to get out of it. The light darkened for an instant and she felt her stomach cave in under the force of Jake's blow. She bent over as much as the tape would allow and coughed in raw heaves, trying to get air back into her lungs while the pain told her that they could be crushed beyond repair. (delete)She stopped coughing and it was replaced with choking sobs. She shook her head.

"This isn't real. Ten minutes ago I was in world's most boring political fundraiser party and now I'm stuck in this hell? This isn't fair!"

"Life is about to get a lot less fair," said Tyrone. He pulled on her hair so she was looking into the light again and after a minute he turned it off. Laura blinked rapidly to try and get used to the softer light in the room but she felt (change to "was")effectively blinded.

When she did regain her site ("sight" is the proper spelling in this context) she saw Jake dragging a naked woman across the room and over to them. She tried to move back into the chair and put some distance between her and the nude woman. Jake dropped her at Laura's feet and both Jake and Tyrone left the room. As her sight returned ,she could see the burses and cuts that adorned the woman's body. Recognition snapped into place.

"You're the volunteer who was at the coat check! I remember you! Quick, help undo this damn tape and we can get out of here," said Laura.

The woman didn't even raise her head from the ground. It was only her rhythmic breathing and the occasional shudder that proved she was still among the living. Laura watched with a sinking pain in her heart as the woman slowly curled up into a ball and hid her face against the ground. She was only inches away from Laura's feet and she could not comfort her (unclear referrent here, change to "the battered girl" or something like that). She could only guess at what the men in the next room had done to her.

"Why is this happening?" Her voice sounded like a little girl's. Laura's heart sank down to her knees. She tried to answer her but her mouth was suddenly dry. She closed her mouth and looked away. After a moment she shifted the chair so her back was to the girl.

The door opened and Laura noticed the dull sounds of clapping as a man she clearly recognized was walking across the room towards her. She felt disbelief replace shock.

"That's the Laura I knew and divorced. Always so self centered. So self serving. Getting a job at a news paper off my name alone to cover the man I run the campaign for, taking half of my money in child support payments for a child you miscarried and have yet to tell the court about, and crashing this party just to spite me."

"The party sucked, Alan. You owe me so much more than just half for what I went though with you. Don't even start on me about how I find a job. You're scum and it looks like you haven’t changed," said Laura.

"Have (change to "Haven't" I? I'm giving you the story. This is the fundraiser right here," Alan pointed to the huddled mass on the ground behind Laura. "Small town politics are not enough to draw the big money so we have to do private events."

Laura moved her chair to face her former husband. She spit at him and it fell just short of his shoe. He closed the distance between them and looked right into her eyes.

"You are going to get a first hand look at how we raise so much money. An inside look. Let's just see if you are able to write the story after it's happened to you." Alan grabbed the side of the chair and started pulling her to the opposite door.

"Help! No! Stop! Jesus, Alan you can't do this! Help me!" cried Laura. The woman on the ground didn't move to help and Laura had a feeling that no one outside the room could hear him. The door opened to a blinding light and she quickly broke out into a sweat to compliment her tears. She cried out with a guttural scream that tore at her throat and the door was closed.