*echo echo*

It's time to leave.

I had a part time dom that thought he was up to full time snuff. But he wasn't. Everything was on his terms. And that's not how d/s works. There is a give and take.

My asshole left me hanging for weeks at a time too. Because of work, his mother, his daughter, his kitchen sink, his aunt's hamster... etc. Yes I'm being flippant. But those weeks without him really taught me what abuse is about. Neglect is just as much a form of abuse as a punch in the gut.

Your guy sounds very selfish. Nor does he really sound like someone that is truly dominant. He sounds more like someone that is trying to hold onto dominance with white knuckles, a desperate grasp. Real dominants don't have to do that. It's within them, not something they have to strive for, struggle with.

I invested more into the relationship than I ever should have. There were red flags I should have heeded. Just as there were red flags that you should have heeded. The only thing I can say for myself is that at least I finally did act on them. It was a learning curve. A steep one.

And yes it hurt. A lot. It hurt during the relationship, at the end of the relationship, and it even hurt letting him go. It still hurts a little. But now it's one of those melancholy twinges. I get angry sometimes with myself for those twinges, but that can't be helped. Time heals all wounds and time wounds all heels.

For me, the highs were very high. But the lows were very low. That made it all the more difficult to let him go. The times we were together were heavenly for the most part. But in the end... the highs weren't high enough and the lows too low. There was no balance.

It's a shame that for every good dominant there seems to be so many bad ones. It really makes it hard. But I guess one thing I've learned from my adventures is that there has to be an element of realism to d/s relationships. If you build castles in the sky... they'll fall. Castles need to be built on terra firma. Or better yet, give me a nice little cottage with a play room.

I imagine you've learned and will continue to learn a great deal from your experience, and with time you'll learn a great deal more. Regardless of what your guy says, this place is an invaluable resource. It's what got me through my darkest days.

Any dom that you have in your future should at the very least respect your needs as a person. That means taking time for you and not being selfish. So often we get so involved in our d/s relationships that we lose focus of the relationship and just focus on the d/s.

It can't be that way. Any partnership that stands the test of time will have an equal focus on both. A d/s relationship is still a relationship. The things that make a healthy relationship also make a healthy d/s relationship.

All the things TG mentioned - trust, respect, consideration, communication - those are foundations that must not be lost sight of because of the d/s element. And also like TG pointed out and like you've admitted... those elements don't seem to be present.

Nothing is ever guarenteed with relationships, but we can hedge our bets by looking out for those pillars. My new credo is relationship first, d/s second. So far... it seems to be making me a happier person.

I seem to have wandered all over this post, but I hope I have given you some perspective of time. What once was, what is now and what can be.

And it's nice to know for me personally that I've been able to come far enough from my experience to even post what I have. I guess I'm not hopeless after all, eh?