DiamondStar IV

[ElectricBadger]

Thank you tons, TG -- best critique I could hope for, I'm not writing for English gurus anyhow

[Alex Bragi]

Well, it’s a long one, and so might a big ask, but I like a challenge and I like a good read even more, and, like TG.says, it’s much easier in ‘bit size’ pieces.

As you know, I began reading this one a while back (sorry, I just realised I forgot to score it, but I have now). I think the ratings others have given it and the fact that so many readers have it marked as a “favourite” speaks volumes for the quality and appeal of this piece.

Chapter One:

Ok, from beginning—the first paragraph. I’m a firm believer that the first few sentences are the most important. They’re what will make a reader either want to keep reading, or simply back click and find something else. Well, you’ve sure managed to hook every sci-fi pervert and a few others too, with this one. Masturbation scenes are, obviously, common in bdsm stories, but this one is different. I mean, she “...cut this one herself in senior shop class last year..” I had to smile when I read that, and for those of you wanting to know what I’m talking about, you’re just going to have to read it for yourself.

You’ve then followed on with Nysia’s flow of thoughts which, aside from introducing her, gives a good general background/back drop to the story. I felt her vulnerability was an excellent contrast to Major Jillian Travis. In one short sentence, in introducing her, you managed to let us know just how tough she really is—“To Major Jillian Travis, the battle was disappointingly short.” I find the contrast between Nysia and the Major deliciously titillating—one fragile and innocent, the other... Well, what can I say? She’s a sadistic bull dyke, isn’t she?

Ok, if I had to find fault, and be really super nit-picky “Tears drifted from her eyes” read oddly to me. To me tears drip, drop, or trickle, but hey, that’s just me. Not that I’m an expert on grammar and spelling, or even anywhere close, but everything else looked just fine to me—no typos, no spellos, nothing to jarred a great read.

The first chapter gives us, the readers, all the background we need, and a truly titillating tease as to what is to come next. Yes, we need to know, don’t we? And, that, EB, is surely what good story telling is all about.