Funny true stories

[Mobius]

coruptor of the inecent.

I have to be carefull with car/bus audio with the XM radio in my car/bus 50 some odd channels are adult with swear words from rap hip hop comedy to playboy radio talking about fisting and anal sex. not for the inicent children of america but it is ok for old board bus drivers to lisen to when the bus is empty

[GaryWilcox]

Seventeen...






...ish.

[Cleo671]

It was the 80's..big hair...big shoulders (pads)..frosted lipstick..those were the days.
Working the bar was more quiet on the weeknights and the live music in the background only did so much so at around 3am the night went downhill, and there were only so many bottles of alcohol I could arrange nicely and so many ashtrays I could empty.
I had just left home and told an itty bitty fib to get a job in this nightclub restaurant and the switch from working in nursing homes was great financially. My policy was never to date any customers, and I was very successful..however this particular night the rug was pulled out from under my feet when 'the most good looking guy waltzed into the bar area'.. hey I was seventeen..He was tan, had eyes that were the lightest shade of green, a killer smile that is seen in toothpaste adverts and wore a cologne that wasn't spicy..but oriental in it's fragrance. I literally was incapable of speaking for the first few seconds, and he goddamned well knew it..after a few seconds however I regained my composure (difficult for that age) and served him. After knocking back his drink offers, at around 430am he asked me out..and I told him I'd think about it (as a woman usually does)..but that only took me five minutes, so I said yes.

I nearly had kittens by the end of that week deciding what to wear, what makeup, whether to wear the shocking pink matching underwear or the basic black.. yes the pink won..
So we have dinner.. we go and see a live band.. drink a HELL of a lot. My mood is a combo of anticipation,lust and more lust.
Very late in the wee hours..we arrive to my place, a house which I shared with two others, a guy and a girl..things get heated, we move into the bedroom...and it's oh so grand but at the same time I'm shitting bricks because there I am a 'big virgin' and all, but the alcohol earlier provided dutch courage..and it all flowed so well...
just as the big moment happened..and I was in 7th heaven after realising it wasn't going to be that 'painful'.. there is a noise...and no time.. there is my female housemate (she forgot her goddamn keys) climbing through the window (which I, the idiot would leave slightly open in the summer)..

'Ohhhhh!!!' she says..


what do you do when it's summer, it's hot and there is not a blanket or sheet to be found so you can 'duck and cover'?

[norton]

In the 1980s I was having an affair with a single lady near San Diego. I was going to college and she was a nurse. She was living on a ranch and I was living near San Bernardino and I would drive down and spend the weekend or the occasional three day weekend with her.

She was a knockout and men were always hitting on her in the doctors office where she worked. A retired deputy sheriff was particularly aggressive but she kept putting him off although she would occasionally have a few drinks with him in the kitchen. She had told me about him and mentioned that he normally carried a gun or two.

The first time he came to her house and surprised me Joan told me "Take off and go back home. I'll get rid of him and you can spend next weekend with me." So I took off on my motorcycle and drove back home to Walnut. As I thought about it I decided that if this guy comes around again he might pull a gun on me and I didn't want to go down without a fight. So I put my little .25 caliber Llama in a holster in the small of my back where it would be inconspicuous.

The next weekend I and motorcycle and hardware went down to San Diego for the weekend. We talked in the kitchen and before too long retired to the bedroom. The bedroom was a beauty with a fireplace, private shower and French doors that led to a stone patio.

You'll never guess what happened. Right. He comes to the front door and knocks and Joan says to me "wait here I'll get rid of him". She dresses hurriedly and goes to the kitchen where he has let himself in and is sitting at the kitchen table with a liquor bottle. I can hear their conversation and he is saying like: "I love you and I want you to be mine forever." I'm lying naked in bed and listening to this and he begins asking ""Who is in the bedroom ?"

This is not a good turn of events. Joan says in a loud voice "There's no one in the bedroom". He gets up and starts walking toward the bedroom. I quietly jump out of bed, grab all my clothes and go through the French doors onto the patio. So I'm standing out there nude, holding my clothes when they come in. It was pretty embarassing and I was thinking "I feel like an actor in a B movie". I was not only cold but I felt rediculous. I want to be quiet and not arouse suspicion so I don't dress.

My thinking went along the lines of "If he finds me he'll shoot me and there my lifeless nude corpse will be found". Although this is in San Diego it was cold outside and I'm gradually changing from nice warm bed to frozen feet. I hear "See, I told you there was no one in the bedroom."

He finally leaves and by that time I am frozen. Joan comes back and tells me "He's gone" and we resumed what we were doing before his arrival.

There is a postscript. I went down one weekend on my motorcycle and there was his car parked out front with him in it. He had just arrived. Joan came out and started talking to him through the car window when he opened the door and stepped out. He opened the cars back door and started rummaging around on the floor. I figured "This is it. I'm going to shoot it out and he's probably a better shot than I am." I put down the kickstand because I didn't want the bike to fall over and scratch it after I was dead. I put my hands on my hips and started sliding my hand back under my leather jacket toward the small of my back. Joan grabbed his shoulder and talked animatedly for a minute or two and then he got back in his car and roared off. Awfully close to me.

After several months he admitted he was too old for Joan and that I was the right man for her. He and I became wary friends and..... There are a few more stories along this line but that's another story.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

This should go nicely with that "Embarrassing Moments" thread that was started recently.

[Sailor861]

On January 20, 2005, I was admitted to a local general hospital for an orthopedic "day surgery" procedure. A little nervous when I was escorted into the operating room, I glanced around and saw three nurses busying themselves in preparation for the arrival of the anesthetist and the surgeon.

"Take off your dressing gown and undo your hospital shirt," said one nurse, glancing casually at me. I immediately complied and undid the short, little green gown and untied my "johnny shirt" (you all know the type -- the backless one) and placed them neatly on the OR table. it was cold in the OR as I stood there, in my natural state.

To my great surprise, all three nurses suddenly turned around, with broad smiles and closely engaged my eyes only (I thought). The head nurse said: "No, no, you can keep the hospital shirt; I meant just untie it!"

The three nurses struggled to keep their composure as I slipped the hospital shirt back on and sheepishly looked around, trying to look "cool." (ha)

"Chilly in here, isn't it?" said one nurse as she came up beside me to attach sticky things to my chest and place the blood-pressure monitor cuff on my right arm.

I managed a wan smile, I think, and was soon rendered unconscious although I do believe I put a smile on a trio of nurses' faces that afternoon.

[Eruditio Deus]

A few years ago my brother and his girlfriend(now his wife) were sharing an apartment with me. His girlfriend was my best friends little sister so I knew the family quite well.

One saturday morning her parents call and tell me they're going to stop by for a visit in about an hour. Now normally this wouldn't be a problem as they are both morning people-but they went out the night before, got wasted, and humped like rabbits all night. I thought I was in a cheap hotel all night. Now since the music in their bedroom was playing I knew they were too busy(again) to take a phone call, so I gave them a few minutes-like 45 or 50 before I yelled through their that her parents were stopping by.

The stereo soon turned off and the sounds of frenzied dressing could be heard and this was about the time the door bell rang. I greeted her parents and invited them in, and noticed they had brought their schnauzer Muppet, with them. I made polite chit chat for a few minutes while the two love birds got dressed and came out. They looked a little rough and quipped "We didn't sleep too well last night", to which I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

About this time, Muppet is in their bedroom barking, so everyone looks towards the bedroom door. And at this exact moment Muppet comes charging out victoriously with his new toy. A foot long floppy rubber dong he's holding right in the middle so its flapping up & down in time with his bobbing little run. This is when I snort a mouthful of orange juice right out my nose(fresh squeezed too, damn pulp...).

To make matters worse, when they tried to retrieve the dong, Muppet thought it was play time and refused to be caught. Those little schnauzers are quick. I laughed until I could hardly breath watching those two chase that dong bearing little dog around our apartment.

Her parents, being rather devout christians were of course mortified.

I've gotten to make hundreds of jokes about that incident over the years, and I still give them the same anniversary gift every year-a package of doggie treats called "Snausages".

[slavelucy]

To make matters worse, when they tried to retrieve the dong, Muppet thought it was play time and refused to be caught.

ROFL, great story! By the time time i'd read up to this part, i could almost hear the circus music playing in the back ground, it's like a carry on sketch!

Sailor - LOL! What most made me laugh about that was when you said you tried to look 'cool'...lol - bless you, we all do that don't we, try and recover it....*grins*. Still, at least it was something to think about other than the impending operation.

A few weeks back, i had a nickel rash round my face, from a ball gag....in a VERY obvious shape... i was getting my nails/waxing done and the beautician (also a friend) asked what was wrong with my face. i shrugged and said "Dunno, maybe it's dry skin"...she comes over and looks at it (NOT a good idea to suggest it was a skin complaint..to a beautician) and says "Hmmm...ya know what it looks like though?" i asked what..she replies "It looks like a bit shape..you know, those things horses wear".

i wanted to say "a BIT? Sheesh, it wasn't as bad as all THAT, it was just a run of the mill ball gag". Alas, i didn't, i just blushed, laughed (probably too much) and said "heh, giddy up".

sl

(oooh, this is my 1000th post, god, i can yap)

[AndrewBlack]

LOL, good stories chaps.

Sailor, your one sounds better than leaving your pants on when going for a gynaecology procedure under anaesthetic, I've often wondered about the mentality behind that. ( You are proably now thinking that this guy has too much time on his hands! )

[magicgrl]

<snip> Am I the only one that this kind of shit happens too???[/QUOTE]

Oh hell no-- this fall i wass working insane hours on a political campaign and i was NEVER home. Master and i decided that He could e-mail me orders at work to help keep me focused. WEEEEEEEEELLLLLL--

He sent the order to my work e-mail address, because i checked that one all the time. i have a lap top and He thought that was the only place my e-mail was loaded. Nope-- i had placed an account on one of my co-workers computers because i use Mac and we needed Windows for several things we did. One afternoon my co-worker looks at me and says, "Take your panties off now." Stunned, i looked at him and said, "What did you say?" He replies, "Someone named Lord Thomas sent you an e-mail telling you to take your panties off now." Quick thinking Public Relations person i am i responded, "Yeah, well i get e-mails all the time telling me that i can have a bigger penis too." The incident was soon forgotten by those in the office, but damn i learned my lesson....

We nixed the idea of sending orders that way anymore.

*~magic~*

[slavelucy]

Stunned, i looked at him and said, "What did you say?" He replies, "Someone named Lord Thomas sent you an e-mail telling you to take your panties off now."

ROFLMAO!! Oh my god, that's so funny..something about the line 'Someone named Lord Thomas etc etc...' hugely amuses me. Thanks so much for sharing that.

*still laughing*

sl

[Aeneas]

A while back I was sessioning a sub. I had tied her nude spread eagle on her back on a bed with a ball gag attatched. I was expecting a good friend, a Domme, to come by to meet my new sub and she was running a bit late. I decided to begin without her, figuring I could make the introduction just as easily with the sub restrained. As I was just begining the preliminaries, the phone on the other side of the bed rang. Thinking it must be my Domme friend, I huried around the bed to answer. When I made the last turn and almost had the phone in my hand, my left foot got tangled on the sheet I had hurriedly thrown on the floor. My left foot slid under the metal bedframe as I lurched forward and fell, getting wedged in the proicess. I experienced a complete rupture of the Achilles tendon, crashed to the floor (in my best dominating fashion). Reaching out in desperation, I managed to pull a 500 cd rack down on top of me. I crawled to the phone, pulled it down to the floor, and was thrilled to learn that my teenage son had just bought his favorite computer game on sale.
It was a bad moment for the sub and myself. She was totally helpless, couldn't even speak. I was in pain and buried under 500 cds. Both of us were nude. I couldn't very well tell my son to have his grandmother run him by to untie my friend. The thought of dialing 911 for emergency help didn't work either. After telling my son how happy I was for him, I pulled myself up from the rubble, freed the disappointed sub, pulled my clothes on, had her answer the door (the Domme had arrived), and called my doctor. The ladies took me to the emergency room, after which they had an exciting evening together. I came home with pain pills and a leg immobilizer.
Two weeks later I was in for surgery and in a full leg cast for several weeks. Months of rehab followed where I learned, among other things, that you can dial a phone with your toes with enough practice. People I would meet would always ask, "how did you hurt your foot?" I had a new story for each person, none of them the true one.

[Ranai]

Incapacitated Dom buried under 500 CDs. Now this tale is truly a mix of painful and hilariously grotesque. Also a reminder of how good it can be to have a backup... (Also thinking of the self-bondage aficionados here.)

But if you had not been expecting your friend, telephoning for emergency help would probably have turned out just fine. There is not much that experienced first-aid people have not seen before. And much of what they have seen is rather less appealing than a nude lady tied on a bed and a nude gentleman who can't walk.

[ObsidianCaine]

I wish I had a good story to tell but I don't however I must say some of these were a hoot to read.

Thanks to all for sharing.

[BorderCollie]

Hi Ya Gang,
This goes back a few years but............
I had my sub tied spread eagle and had her that way the whole time, I was showering so her anticipation was well and truely up there on the richter scale.
She was blindfolded and gagged as well.
I finished showering as stepped out of the ensuite to get a good look at my sub.
I started nibling and kissing at her toes, working my way up to her freshly shaved vagina where I really started licking, biting and spanking.
Well, enter the dog!
I didn't hear her come into the room, and she stuck her cold wet nose right smack bang on my "DOTTER".
Man I swear I almost stuck my head through the wall, it deadset frightened the shit outta me.
What was even funnier was my sub in fits of laughter with a penis gag tightly fitted, even now sometimes it comes up in conversation.
I guess you had to be there???

Cheers

[craftygirl]

This evening I managed to "lose" a toy in my pussy.

See, at the suggestion of a friend I bought a wireless waterproof (essential for me at this point, I think) vibrating egg. You can see where this goes pretty quickly ........... I was sitting at the computer when I noticed it wasn't vibrating any more. My first thought was "hmm wonder how that happened" and my second thought was to reach in and turn it back on, as it had been just inside the entrance.

HAD BEEN was the key phrase there. I couldn't reach it.

And of course this happened right as the group I was gaming with got to an instanced dungeon -- which basically means once you're in, you can't go back out until you're done or you die. It also means nobody else comes in, so there's no chance of random person wandering by (in this case, to save my distracted self.)

*blinks*

So in between fights I managed every sort of squat, bend, and wiggle in front of my computer chair, and while I did finally manage to put one finger on the toy, I could NOT get it out.

You know how your muscles sort of subconsciously tighten when you're nervous or panicked? Yep, you got it. So I did what any gamer girl would do ..... I ignored it and killed murlocks for a while.

*chuckle*

That actually did seem to help, because when we all died again I managed to get two fingers around it. Unfortunately by that point it was too slippery for me to get a grip on it, so all I managed to do was swish it around some.

Greeeeeat.

Finally I told my group (after nearly an hour of alternately trying and NOT TRYING to get this thing loose) that I needed to go ..... died and left the dungeon....... and hopped and wiggled and sat and squatted til I managed to pop it out.

Then of course I proceeded to call the aforementioned friend and tell him alllll about it and we had a great laugh at the situation.

[Chuckdom19]

This evening I managed to "lose" a toy in my pussy.
(snip)
Then of course I proceeded to call the aforementioned friend and tell him alllll about it and we had a great laugh at the situation.

That sounds hilarious, after the fact. My diagnostic spouse suggests kegals exercise might help that not happen again.

Chksng19

[craftygirl]

That sounds hilarious, after the fact. My diagnostic spouse suggests kegals exercise might help that not happen again.

Chksng19

It was pretty damn funny AFTER I got it out.

And I do kegels pretty regularly but I guess I should do some more!