Oh Fuck!!! Please excuse the expletive, but I really liked this one! I love the names too—Phil and Hole. That’s so cute! Gotta love those!

Just like “Asstravaganza” in this story had been used many times before, many authors have used the porn starlets theme, but it’s just such a fabulous fantasy, especially when it’s done as well as this one.

The descriptions are very good and woven into the story with skill and ease. The dialog reads realistically and introduces each character’s personality well.

I agree completely it’s often a fine balance to feed the reader sufficient description without bogging them down in mundane details.
Quote Originally Posted by TG
There were several paragraphs on putting on a body harness, and I would have been happy with, "She put on the body harness," and then gotten on to the good stuff. Several paragraphs I skimmed, impatient to get to more action.
It’s interesting, for me, to read TG’s comments. See, he’s a man and I’m a woman. I’ve noticed that male readers (and authors) will often want to get down with the hot and dirty stuff much sooner, while women tend to want more details about such things as you’ve included in your story, but that TG found himself wanting to skim over. I’m not saying one is right or wrong, it’s just that we—men and woman—are different. Certainly, for people who have fetish for leather harnesses, yours was certainly not too much description.

My only criticisms:

I would love to have gone inside Hole’s head to know exactly what she was feeling. I felt no fear, no joy, no nothing from her. I noted at the start, “Hole looked up blankly, without displaying any emotion” and at little later “She returned a flat smile”. Was this lack of emotion from your main character intentional? If it was, I think it should have been emphasised more.

Remember you’re writing for the www, not many people outside of the USA will be familiar with Imperial measurements (5’7 and 6’1, and 4’). Ok, I know she’s about my height because I looked it up later, and found the metric equivalent, but I shouldn’t have had to. It’s probably for that reason that people who know a whole lot more about writing than I do say: Avoid use exact measurements in your story telling.

Being super-duper nit picky: “... its’ thighs...” I could be wrong here, but I don’t think you need an apostrophe here, even if it is a plural possession.

“...The pain was pretty intense...” kind of jarred me. “pretty intense” read rather weakly to me. It can be less intense, more intense, or even very intense, but please not pretty.

My pet hate: “Hole though to herself,...” Who else would she be thinking it to?

And, finally, that damned formatting. Please check it (preview post) next time.

I wish you well with your future writing.