Education has meant freedom for me in so many areas of my life. I'm hoping it will equate with freedom again as I explore this area. I survived much of the turbulent adolescent and young adult years calming myself with what I now understand was BDSM fantasies in which I submitted my desires, my choices, my body to the discipline and direction of another. I always felt like there was something wrong with me for that and worked so hard to put in away, but it felt like a need that I was depriving my very soul of. I don't really understand, and, thus, am likely not explaining myself well. I'm 37 now. Over the past several years, I have occasionally allowed myself the peaceful pleasure of such fantasies to calm me and help me sleep, again feeling as though surely something must be wrong with me and feeling guilty for allowing my mind to go there. This past year was particularly challenging and I allowed myself the pleasure many a night (and day). Not wanting to overwhelm with the details, a few weeks ago, my desire became too strong. As with so many areas of my life, I sought education about what I was thinking, my impulses, and my acting on those desires and impulses. My focus was to understand so that I could "fix" me and maybe not feel this way. Instead I'm beginning to understand that maybe I'm not a depraved person, that there are many who share in similar desires, thoughts, feelings, and actions. I still feel so confused in many ways. It's all fairly new to me. Even writing this is a bit overwhelming. But I feel as though I'm on an interesting journey and am unsure of what is ahead. I have looked at this site over the past couple of weeks, reading stories, and getting information. Today I decided to risk signing in. Now here I am. Maybe I will stay. I don't know what the future holds, but I feel as though I have more options about exploring what I want. Maybe I don't need fixing, just some fine tuning. Thanks for sharing the names of those books, I look forward to reading them. And thanks for sharing and giving me a chance to share.