The scene you've laid out vaguely reminds me of Robert E. Howard's "Conan" stories; I think it's a good mileu for a bdsm or torture story. It's a pretty decent action scene; very detailed. I personally wouldn't devote that much space to such a sequence in an erotic story, but if it'swhat you enjoy writing about go ahead. My only real advice would be to just go over it again and tighten up the sentences. You could probably cut it down a bit, but then again it's better to show that the main character can fight rather than just say, "No one could beat her in battle." That way it's easier to take her seriously when she starts torturing people.

For some reason I really like the stories here that take place in alternate, fictional settings, whether historical or not. It just gives you more freedom to write about situations that wouldn't arise in everyday life (real slavery, for example).

I've rewritten the beginning of the above story of mine twice now and am starting to get on with it. Rome in the future is like a cross between "Dune" and "The Godfather," apparently. Kinda interesting. I totally agree about fleshing out the characters and making them individuals; that's why I had one sub in my story be happy-go-lucky and the other kind of rebellious.