Wow, that's a pretty good story; not what I expected. There were a couple of minor mistakes, like repeating "the clock" in the same sentence. That's something I doubt will happen if you get a proper chance to edit. I think I spotted one other mistake, but I don't have much to gripe about.

I generally have a lot of comments regarding style, but I didn't find anything that I would change. Really, it was executed well. Keep this up and you will ruin my reputation as a bastard.

Good job.