Why is religion being brought into a resource that seems to be becoming less and less about Southern Language? Because it is important for people from abroad to understand certain things about Southern religion when talking to a person from the South.

First off, there is only one religion in the South, and that is Southern Baptist. Southern Baptists are like regular Baptists, but with a greater appreciation and closeness to God.

The Southern Baptists know they are closer to God, too, because they can hear his voice louder than any other religion. For, as every Southerner well knows, the proper decibalage for speaking the "true Holy Word of God" is somewhere in the equivilant range of listening to a jumbo jet take off from an airfield being bombarded by mortar fire. Many Southerners are hard of hearing, not because they work laborious and loud contruction jobs, but because their Pastors on Sunday take the extra time and consideration to preach them the word of God as loudly and clearly as possible. Any Southerner that can hear clearly by age 25 is obviously a heathen.

The proper location for Southern Baptist worship is in a small church with no air conditioning and windows that do not open, because the Holy Spirit cannot be properly felt unless the temperature in the building hits at least 100°F. It is usually at this temperature that some of the older members of the congregation begin to fan themselves with their donation envelopes.

It is also important to know that the fanning of the donation envelopes directly preceeds the end of services. When the Holy Spirit has been properly appreciated, and the people begin fanning their donation envelopes full of cash money, that is a clear signal to the Pastor or Reverend to begin the collection and the closing prayer.

Religion in the South is a big event. Churches tend to opoen early on Sunday and services run longer than they do in other areas of the world. Some Southern Baptist services can run two or three hours long, only coming to a close once an offer of a free meal has been made by one of the congregation to the Pastor. Except in the fall. In the fall, church services are all concluded by no later than 11:45AM, regardless of whether the plate has been passed ot the Reverend has been offered a meal. Services end prompty at a quarter til noon in order to give everyone in the congregation time to get home to watch the football game.

If there's one god bigger than God in the South, it's football. Any Pastor keeping his flock on a football Sunday past the noon hour is probably visiting from the North. Keeping Southerners away from football is akin to keeping a Northerner away from snow. It just ain't gonna happen.

And if there's one god among the football gods in the South, it is the Dallas Cowboys. No Sunday in the South is complete without seeing the Cowboys on TV. This event almost transcends religion, and crosses the boundary into phenomenon. Of course, the game of football just hasn't been the same since the Cowboys let Troy Aikman retire and lost Jimmy Johnson to the announcers' booth. The times since then have been known as the "dark times" in the South.

Visitors to the South should refrain from using such sacreligious terms as "Catholic," "Jewish," or "Mormon" during their trips to the South. These other strange religions, with their odd practices and rituals are likened to cults in the South. And Southern men and women won't stand for cults, unless it is a beknighted organization like the Klan.

Notherners should also not attempt to shop, eat, travel by air, or visit the hospital until after noon on Sunday, as many establishments are not open until after church service is open. During football season, most of the South shuts down completely on Sundays. Besides, any person with a broken leg on a Sunday wasn't in church anyway. So that person was clearly a Northerner, a foreigner or a heathen. They're all perceived about the same in the South anyway.

It is probably best for Notherners to leave the South entirely on Saturday night and return again on Monday morning, just to avoid any confusion or hanging.