First assignment for Clevernick

[Clevernick]

Alex was hurt and angry; only Miranda could irritate him to this point. He was amazed he was even still conversing with this smartass.

"Get away from that cyber crap," his friend Sue had told him, "you deserve better than that."

And she was right, and Alex knew it. It was becoming obvious that a long-distance Dom had no chance against a smartass sub who was more into playing mindgames than actually submitting.

She needed to be physically put over one knee and spanked mercilessly, but she was just too far away. And she took full advantage of that.

So Alex knew that this wasn't going to work. And he knew he shouldn't even be trying.

It had started innocently enough, on one of those alternative dating sites. "Control my mind, and my body will follow," read her ad. If all went well, she lived about two hours' drive away. Not too bad.

Alex had a pretty high regard for his own chat skills -- hadn't he brought two other women (and Sue, his friend) to creamy orgasms over Instant Messaging? He could do this.

Miranda had other plans, though. They'd chatted nicely for a while, exchanged a few mails, and he'd even made her come, for real, in yet another improvised cybersex scene.

After that, Alex had realized he might have been verbally fondling a 55-year-old truck driver named Sid, for all he knew. Feeling a bit taken advantage of, he'd asked to see her picture, and she had laid out the bait.

"I'll webcam for you, how's that? I feel really close to you after our little session, and I would love to show you more of me."

How could he refuse such an offer? "Absolutely, turn it on."

"Not tonight," she continued, "It's late and I have to work tomorrow morning. How about tomorrow at 11pm?"

A bit frustrated, but game, Alex had agreed. He'd actually been unable to get the upcoming cam session off his mind the entire next day, and had hurried home from the theatre to be on time.

At 10:55 he had turned on his instant messenger and waited. At 11:00 he'd buzzed her, and seen no reply. As he'd turned his attention to other friends online, other hobbies, other work, he had checked back occasionally to see if Miranda had signed on.

Just as he'd been about to go to bed, at 2:10am, she had popped up. She mentioned casually that she'd been working late. No apology, no remorse. And she was now happy to chat, but "too tired" to turn on her webcam.

He asked her politely to do so anyway, and got a flat "no". She suggested 11pm the next day, and signed off without apology.


...to be continued?

[Rhabbi]

Alex was hurt and angry; only Miranda could irritate him to this point. He was amazed he was even still conversing with this smartass.

"Get away from that cyber crap," his friend Sue had told him, "you deserve better than that."

And delete she was right, and Alex knew it. It was becoming obvious that a long-distance Dom had no chance against a smartass sub who was more into playing mindgames mind games than actually submitting.

She needed to be physically put over one knee and spanked mercilessly, but she was just too far away. And delete she took full advantage of that.

So delete Alex knew that this wasn't going to work. And delete he knew he shouldn't even be trying.

It had started innocently enough, on one of those alternative dating sites. "Control my mind, and my body will follow," read her ad. If all went well, she lived about two hours' drive away. Not too bad. incomplete sentence. Nick, you write like you talk, but you need to write the way you should talk.

Alex had a pretty high just use high regard for his own chat skills -- hadn't he brought two other women (and Sue, his friend) to creamy orgasms over Instant Messaging? He could do this.

Miranda had other plans, though. They'd chatted nicely for a while, exchanged a few mails, and he'd even made her come, for real, in yet another improvised cybersex scene.

After that, not needed, deleteAlex had realized he might have been verbally fondling a 55-year-old truck driver named Sid, for all he knew. Feeling a bit taken advantage of, he'd asked to see her picture, and she had laid out the bait.

"I'll webcam for you, how's that? I feel really close to you after our little session, and I would love to show you more of me."

How could he refuse such an offer? "Absolutely, turn it on."

"Not tonight," she continued, "It's late and I have to work tomorrow morning. How about tomorrow at 11pm11 pm?"

A bit frustrated, but game, Alex had agreed. He'd actually been unable to get the upcoming cam session off his mind the entire next day, and had hurried home from the theatre to be on time.

At 10:55 he had turned on his instant messenger and waited. At 11:00 he'd buzzed her, and seen no reply. As he'd turned his attention to other friends online, other hobbies, other work, he had checked back occasionally to see if Miranda had signed on.

Just as he'd been about to go to bed, at 2:10am2:10 am, she had popped up. She mentioned casually that she'd been working late. No apology, no remorse.Again this is not a sentence. This is ok in dialog, and occasionally at other times, but should be avoided in writing. Anddelete she was now happy to chat, but "too tired" to turn on her webcam.

He asked her politely to do so anyway, and got a flat "no". "No." You put the period outside the quotes, which is acceptable only if you do it all the time. She suggested 11pm11 pm the next day, and signed off without apology.


...to be continued?

Nick,

Over all a good story, with just a few technical problems. Do not let all the marks scare you, as you made the same mistake more than once. You use and, so, and but to start sentences and clauses. look at them and see if the sentence make sense without them, if it does, throw them out. Writing is about using the fewest words to express your ideas.

[tessa]

Clevernick, I enjoyed your brief glimpse into Alex's and Miranda's exchange. I'd like to know what happens with them next.

Writing is about using the fewest words to express your ideas.

Rhabbi, you cannot honestly believe that. Seriously.

Consider the following:

"At that instant he saw, in one blaze of light, an image of unutterable conviction, the reason why the artist works and lives and has his being--the reward he seeks--the only reward he really cares about, without which there is nothing. It is to snare the spirits of mankind in nets of magic, to make his life prevail through his creation, to wreak the vision of his life, the rude and painful substance of his own experience, into the congruence of blazing and enchanted images that are themselves the core of life, the essential pattern whence all other things proceed, the kernel of eternity."

From: Of Time and the River by Thomas Wolfe

That passage is infinitely more of everything when compared to using the fewest words, such as, "I write to get a response from readers." There is NO comparison to be had.

Ok sure, bad grammar and misspellings are issues to be cognizant of as a writer. That's a given. But words are the very soul of what writing is. Little words, big words and all of them in between- cutting them out, throwing them away, using the fewest possible??? That makes absolutely no sense to me. Certainly not advice to be handing out in the Writers Block.

(And don't blame it on the blonde. If you try doing that, I will invoke the spirits of all the great authors gone on before us to come haunt you.)

~orders an extra large pizza for Mr. Dean~ Papa John's is the only one near me who delivers. Hope that's okay. If not, well, I tried. It is the thought that counts. Even when ordering cyber-pizza.

[Dragon's muse]

Alex was hurt and angry; only Miranda could irritate him to this point. He was amazed he was even still conversing with this smartass.

"Get away from that cyber crap," his friend, Sue, had (delete) told him, "you deserve better than that."

And (delete)she was right, and Alex knew it. It was becoming (delete) obvious that a long-distance Dom had no chance against a smartass sub, who was more into playing mindgames (two words) than actually submitting.

She needed to be physically put over one knee and spanked mercilessly, but she was just too far away. (change to a semicolon)And she took full advantage of that.

So, Alex knew that this wasn't going to work. And (delete) he knew he shouldn't even be trying.

It had started innocently enough, on one of those alternative dating sites. "Control my mind, and my body will follow," read her ad. If all went well, she lived about two hours' drive away. Not too bad.

Alex had a pretty (either delete or change to a more formal sounding word.) high regard for his own chat skills -- hadn't he brought two other women (and Sue, his friend) to creamy orgasms over Instant Messaging? He could do this.

Miranda had other plans, though. They'd chatted nicely for a while, exchanged a few mails, and he'd even made her come, for real, in yet another improvised cybersex scene.

After that, Alex had realized he might have been verbally fondling a 55-year-old truck driver named Sid, for all he knew. Feeling a bit taken advantage of, he'd asked to see her picture, and she had laid out the bait.

"I'll webcam for you, how's that? I feel really close to you after our little session, and I would love to show you more of me."

How could he refuse such an offer? "Absolutely, turn it on."

"Not tonight," she continued, "It's late and I have to work tomorrow morning. How about tomorrow at 11pm (i would change this to "tomorrow night at 11"?"

A bit frustrated, but game, Alex had (delete) agreed. He'd actually been unable to get the upcoming cam session off his mind the entire next (delete) day, and had hurried home from the theatre to be on time.

At 10:55 he had turned on his instant messenger and waited. At 11:00 he'd buzzed her, and seen (just a personal preference, but i would have used "received") no reply. As (delete) he'd turned his attention to other friends online, other hobbies, other work, (semicolon) he had checked back occasionally to see if Miranda had signed on.

Just as he'd been about to go to bed, at 2:10am (maybe try "a little after two", she had popped up. She mentioned casually that she'd been working late. No apology, no remorse. And she was now happy to chat, but "too tired" to turn on her webcam.

He asked her politely to do so anyway, and got a flat "no". She suggested 11pm the next day, and signed off without apology.


...to be continued?

Nice work, i'll get your next assignment up soon.

rose