Quote Originally Posted by Ruby
I've been thinking about it all day, because my first inclination was to argue with you. And then I realized why - it was this line:
There is a difference between kinky sex and BDSM.

I agree that there is a difference between kinky sex and a D/S relationship, and I believe that those in a D/S relationship can enjoy kinky sex.
Ruby, thank you!!! My first inclination was to argue as well...b/c as I mentioned above, I value both the domestic/mental servitude and the sexual servitude. You helped me realize that it was the line in question that really bothered me. Good for you for stepping back and sorting it out a bit before posting!! I should have done the same and I apologize, TG, for getting irritable over an otherwise good article that will be helpful to many.

I guess for me the mental submission is pretty much an intuitive thing while the sex is a great added bonus. Since the mental aspects of submission have become somewhat instinctual, I guess I figured that it was that way for most of us. For many of us, I still will assert that the mental D/s is the foundation of the relationships we share and that the sex just gets talked about more because it's perceived to be more interesting than "How I cleaned the bathroom today for my Dom".

I will still disagree about the coffee vs. blow job thing though. I see no reason why one type of servitude should be better or worse than the other. I suspect both types are present in most relationships, but either are also valid and worthwhile in themselves. Also, having worked in a coffee shop for two years, I know the intricacies of a good cup of coffee. Having gotten a fair amount of practice giving blow jobs, I also think that they can be at least as challenging to do well. We also shouldn't ignore the fact that there is a mental aspect of submission to giving a good blow job. For that matter, there can be a sexual aspect to serving a cup of coffee. It's not just about the sex though...it still comes down to a willingness to please one's dom.

IMO, the essence of a good D/s relationship is the same as any other relationship and consists of both dom and sub endeavoring to care for each other to the best of their abilities. My experience has shown that the mental aspects of the relationship yield great rewards for both members of the relationship. For example, last year I was having a hellish time in anatomy and was doing poorly regardless of how I went at it. Having a dom that was willing to put in some effort to help me focus on ways to improve and then to check in to make sure I was actually following his advice was crucial to my success. Our instructor was commonly known around school as the "Anatomy Nazi", so when we had difficulties, most of us would go to the teaching assistants for help because the instructor was incredibly intimidating.

When my dom heard that he was less than pleased. He cut to the chase telling me that obviously the TA's weren't helping and that I was to ask the instuctor for help instead. Now normally I'm not easily intimidated, but that was absolutely terrifying!! I never would have done it except to please my dom. After I started getting help from the instructor the class was still hard as hell, but my grade greatly improved. My dom really had nothing to gain from the extra effort he put in to assuring my success. He simply did it because he cared about my best interest.

I see most of what I do as a sub in the same type context. When I'm with a dom and take his coat for him, serve food, do chores, offer my body as a table or footstool, run little errands to save him time, provide a friendly ear to listen and offer advice/insight if asked, OR engage in SM and other sexual activities...it doesn't matter what I'm doing. All that matters is that I'm being a supportive, caring, and pleasing sub.

Anyhow, just another two or three cents to help clarify my thoughts...please take or leave them as you see fit.

eb