Captain Chuck's Bondage Cruise

[alura]

That night, at the party, I mixed up lots of tasty drinks, but I didn't allow myself even one. It was my way of punishing myself for my earlier actions. I felt that the Captain had let me off much too lightly, and so, still feeling anguish at my deeds, I watched as the others had a good time, drinking and partying and kissing and dancing.

I stood behind the bar and just watched. It was all I felt that I deserved that night. It was also very familiar to me. It seemed like I had always been alone.

Later that night, I even stayed on deck after everyone else had already retired to their cabins. I put it upon myself to clean up the mess and scrub down everything so that it was bright and shiny again. Then I swept and scrubbed the decks as well. It was hard work to be on my knees scrubbing each and every inch of the deck, but it also made me feel better, though the bone deep anguish remained.

After I was done, hot and sweaty though I was, I went to the railing and just looked out over the ocean, thinking of my life and how I had come to this point. The others were so happy with who they were....so focused and self-confident.

I, on the other hand, was more confused than ever. The anguish swelled inside of me and the tears that I had tried so very hard not to shed welled up in my eyes.

Would I ever be free of my own inhibitions and self-torturous doubts? Would I ever feel beautiful inside and out the way that the others seemed to? True, on the outside, I had some obvious beauty....but it was so unimportant to me now.

I held on to the railing, my knuckles white, and let the tears drift down my cheeks, wetting the grubby t-shirt that I had donned to clean. I looked down at myself and realized that what I was wearing was how I really felt inside...as though no amount of cleansing, doing, feeling or saying could ever wash away the ugliness.

Sighing, I wiped my face with a dirt-encrusted hand, leaving a streak of black across my right cheek, though I wasn't aware of its existence. Then turning, I headed toward my cabin; the loneliness inside of me pushed far deep down where it belonged. I opened the door and went inside, forgoing the light. The darkness soothed me somewhat; wrapping me in its gentle embrace.

I bathed quickly and dried myself, stumbling in utter exhaustion to the bed. I fell across the mattress, sleep claiming me before my body even hit the mattress.

I dreamed I wandered forever alone in an empty world.