Self esteem and self confidence

[Eponine]

Hey emi...

You have gotten a lot of responses here, which is awesome.
I also am one who suffers and has suffered from similar feelings.
I find they sort of wax and wane for me, depending on my situation- in other words, when I was in my dream fairy tale world with the master I just had, I felt perfect and beautiful _all_ the time, whether I was with him or not. However, now, being alone and not with him, I am down on myself again to some extent.

One point I did not really see in anyone's posts is that of finding the true root cause of your feelings- is it chemical or genetic? or is it more behavioral? Some therapists have told me that one can cause the other, or enhance the other.

But, anyway, for me, it helped in the past to really dig into _why_ I have the self-esteem and perfectionist issues I do- that helped me to let go of the past's hold on me.

Proof that therapy was helping was friends I hadn't talked to in awhile commented on how different (in a good way) I was- and they did not know I was in therapy.

I also used some of the "if you act confident, you will become confident" medicine- this also worked for me. I felt like I was constantly faking it, but after awhile some ways of thinking became so second-nature to me, I stopped so much of the self-criticism. I was then open to the idea that I deserve just the same as anyone else in this fucked-up world.

I think that's something to remember too- our world is not ideal, so bad shit's going to happen, and sometimes it happens a lot to the same person repeatedly- but it's not a reflection on you. I used to go through that too- oh why me, it must be because I deserve it, I'm this, I'm that, I'm defective, etc... But it's just our world- realizing that helped me overcome blaming and criticizing myself again.

And all these are things that take time of course. And as I said, I still suffer sometimes.. but it's nowhere near as bad as ... ten or fifteen years ago.

Well, I rambled... didn't mean to... started out with the best intent not to... but sorry, couldn't think of more concise ways to share...

Good luck to you, emi... you just have to keep at it- whatever it is you do to help yourself, you have to keep at it. And you are very lucky to have someone loving you so deeply. Many do not. Do not waste the precious time you have in a good relationship on pointless energy- you may regret it at some time.

-mary

[jeanne]

Do not waste the precious time you have in a good relationship on pointless energy- you may regret it at some time.

-mary

Yes, you will regret it. I regret the time I wasted and am profoundly grateful that the relationship still exists and I have a chance to make it everything it should have been all along.

[jeanne]

After a conversation last night, and rereading this thread, I realized that I have more to say about this subject.

Extreme low self-esteem, extreme lack of self-confidence = extreme selfishness. The submissive with these issues makes it "all about her", instead of as it should be - all about Him. I would think that at some point, a Dom would find this exhausting and irritating and insulting (as Oz pointed out above) and then you get exactly the result you fear - He loses interest. The best advice for anyone, vanilla or not - deal with it! However you need to, deal with it. As soon as possible. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and failure. Is that any way to live? Unhappy? Is that the submissive you want to be? Pathetic and needing constant validation? Not me. Absolutely not me.

Emotionally healthy and damn proud of it - it was hard work,
jeanne

[Rhabbi]

After a conversation last night, and rereading this thread, I realized that I have more to say about this subject.

Extreme low self-esteem, extreme lack of self-confidence = extreme selfishness. The submissive with these issues makes it "all about her", instead of as it should be - all about Him. I would think that at some point, a Dom would find this exhausting and irritating and insulting (as Oz pointed out above) and then you get exactly the result you fear - He loses interest. The best advice for anyone, vanilla or not - deal with it! However you need to, deal with it. As soon as possible. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and failure. Is that any way to live? Unhappy? Is that the submissive you want to be? Pathetic and needing constant validation? Not me. Absolutely not me.

Emotionally healthy and damn proud of it - it was hard work,
jeanne

Well said jeanne. Emotional health is as important to a D/s relationship as anything else.