Advice please

[cariad]

Yesterday I received this PM from someone who has given me permission to post it, but asked for her ID to be withheld.

I have replied to her, and given her my thoughts on the matter, but I think it is an important question which warrants its own thread here, to have the benefit of other people's thoughts and to be here for people who are not confident enough to ask.

i am new. I am female, and i think i'm a sub, but i dont know very much about the lifestyle and want to try being an online sub. Do you have any advice for me? I am in a vanilla relationship and it is serious... I will not leave him for anyone or anything... but I am curious about the lifestyle. He and I have talked about it but I am exploring on my own at the moment. How do I make sure that I am safe? How do I make sure that it stays online (can he track my IP address? is this unsafe?) and that I remain as safe as possible. For now, I do not feel comfortable with using a webcam or sending photos...I just want to perhaps exchange emails and use messenger to chat... but I am anxious about embarking on this not knowing how to be 100% safe.

cariad

[Warbaby1943]

My advise would be to go very slowly and be as sure as you possibly can of knowing who you are dealing with. At some point in time trust must come into the picture but don't just go around blindly trusting everyone who contacts you.

Share only as much information about yourself as you feel comfortable sharing. Keep personal things to yourself at least until you are sure of what you want and who you are dealing with.

Again, go slow and be safe.

[~hellish one~]

received the same PM and added her to my Yahoo. we just had a rather lengthy conversation in which i hope i was able to help her in some way. i'll copy some of the advice i gave her in case it might help others...

~hellish~: as for safety...when you are first getting to know someone...definitely make sure you don't give out ANY personal information. i believe it took about 2 months before i felt comfortable giving him my phone number.
~hellish~: advice? take it slow...don't hide anything from your boyfriend. you don't have to give him details...but as long as you are honest about wanting to explore BDSM online and hopefully learn more from it...it should be ok..oh and if/when you do get an online Dom...you have to communicate with him...i've learned that the hard way too. try to be as open and honest as possible about how you are feeling and what you are looking for.

[Logic1]

that is one heck of a question yes.
be safe is the most important advice. keep who you are away as much as it is possible.
perhaps go to the chat here and have a discussion in a private chat with some of the known Doms and subs here.
Read as much as possible here and on other places to know what you want and look for in this scene.
Do the sub checklist that Sir Russel(I think it was) posted in the knowledge forum.
Dont go headfirst into something. It might hurt more than you want it to do.
Trust is very much gonna have to come into play but that has to be earned with time.
dont forget honesty with your bf either. he will need to know what you are doing.

I am sure Ill think of more later on.
take care meanwhile

[gagged_Louise]

As for tracking your IP address and so on - first off, if you're with a major ISP offering internet service to thousands of corporate and private customers, even if your online contact could retrieve your IP, that won't give a direct clue to get your address or your name. The most it will give him is the name of your ISP.(which is worthless for trying to determine who you are). And most ISPs use dynamic IP numbers, changing on irregular intervals from a pool of IP addresses that the company owns. If you're using an online mail program, like Hotmail, Gmail or AIM, the program account won't disclose your IP number because the mail will be rerouted over their own mail server before really being sent (with local mailboxes where the mail is really stored permanently on your machine, it gets different). I'm assuming your contact isn't a really accomplished hacker who can construct his own spybot viruses and use specialized stuff to infitrate your pc, but a good firewall will repel most of those assaults too.

It's a good basic security measure not to be using your normal mail account but instead a separate online account that's only used for the purposes of kinky exploration.

If you want to check your own IP number in Windows XP, open the command line interpreter (cmd.exe, the "black box") and type ipconfig, then click Enter. That's also a good way of checking if you suspect that your connection's been hijacked; if you'll get a new and completely different ip number (not in the same range as you normally get) then it's a sign of trouble and possible hijacking or virus attack.

Sharing pics only happens when you're sure of your ground with the other and also sure that nobody else on his/her end will accidentally get to see whatever you send over. Take special care with pictures of your face or your house (sorry for stating the obvious).

How fast to go is a matter of intutition and personal taste. With some people here I've gotten personal within a few days of meeting them, but it still took months of talking, discussing, scening and playing around with Liz before i submitted to her (and she didn't urge me on, it grew of itself). Some Doms tend to say you have to submit real fast and without hesitation, but that's often a sign of uncertainty and a wish to grab a subbie. Keep your self-respect as a sub: you are no less worthy or valid because you don't have a Dom for the moment.

Good luck and hope to see you grow in submission,

louise

[MajesticFae]

Learn about the person you want to explore with online before you do any exploring. If you find you can't trust them, don't choose to submit to them.

A lot of Dom's want webcams and photos but there are some that don't mind not having them. Depending on what you're doing a webcam can be more helpful in determining your state. However, if you're not comfortable with it, then tell this person right out that you're not comfortable with doing that. I've done it before and the person I was with was perfectly comfortable with it.

To make sure that you're safe, do not give out too much personal information. Don't give out your first name and last name, or information like what city you're in or where you work.

If you read this love and want yet another person to speak with, feel free to IM me on yahoo anytime --- majesticfae.

[Guest 91108]

just a couple quick thoughts.

Most important with online Dom or without is to read, read, and read some more.
The respect between the Dom and the sub is a given thing. a cycle....
In my eyes if the Dom doesn't get your respect by how they act without saying a word.. they you're not likely to give it anyways.
Watch perspective people online.. how do they act...
do they make you go "hrm...." in a bad way....
do you read a comment and go "oh no... "
If the first thing he says is You will... = drop them.
IF the second thing is a image request or web came of this or that. = drop them.
those things come with time if ever. and I do mean If ever.

[Rhabbi]

The general consensus is take your time and ask questions. I will back this up and reiterate it.

Also, something that was not mentioned, you can be tracked by your IP address. This can be done if you go to a site that a person actually owns, and from that he can get your physical address. If you do not believe this is possible, then go here. http://www.ip-adress.com/

There are programs that will block your IP address as you surf the web, but there are also programs to strip that blocking off. So, if you do try this, remember that you are vulnerable and be careful.

[gagged_Louise]

The general consensus is take your time and ask questions. I will back this up and reiterate it.

Also, something that was not mentioned, you can be tracked by your IP address. This can be done if you go to a site that a person actually owns, and from that he can get your physical address. If you do not believe this is possible, then go here. http://www.ip-adress.com/

I just checked that service with my own current IP number (which I've had for about a month now). While it does offer an airview and even a map, and it does hit the right region, the pointer lands about a mile off my real location. I think what it actually picks up is the ISP's main network hub for that part of town. So that would be useless for any real attempt to find me or get my postal address

[Guest 91108]

in our society every one is vulnerable and seeks false sense of security.

and i will leave that at that.

[Rabbit1]

do not for a minute believe that you can not be tracked ----there are programs out there that can do things you would not believe ----Never give your name or the town you live in -----that makes things simple as looking in the phone book for that town

also watch for yahoo and hotmail as they have directories ---watch what you put in your profiles ----when you open these accounts ----it may be more than you want others to know -----

Be sure of who you are trusting ---the internet is full of crazies not just Doms but subs also ----

Keep copies of all your PMs ---IMs and emails -----you may need to prove something later ---I speak from a sad experience -----

my main advise is if you and your husband are looking into this is do it together not just one of you on line-----A good Dom is going to care for you and that can lead to falling in love with you----that is not really good for a marriage ----someone usually gets hurt ----

[Rhabbi]

I just checked that service with my own current IP number (which I've had for about a month now). While it does offer an airview and even a map, and it does hit the right region, the pointer lands about a mile off my real location. I think what it actually picks up is the ISP's main network hub for that part of town. So that would be useless for any real attempt to find me or get my postal address

Actually, all this pulls up is the first part of your ISP to locate you, there are more sophisticated.

[crazy_grrluk]

The general consensus is take your time and ask questions. I will back this up and reiterate it.

Also, something that was not mentioned, you can be tracked by your IP address. This can be done if you go to a site that a person actually owns, and from that he can get your physical address. If you do not believe this is possible, then go here. http://www.ip-adress.com/

There are programs that will block your IP address as you surf the web, but there are also programs to strip that blocking off. So, if you do try this, remember that you are vulnerable and be careful.

I tried this...and yes it hit the right country but was really way off to where I actually am by about 300 miles!!!!!!!!!!

[Tasker]

You sound like you truly love your husband, and have already made the first steps in communicating your needs/desires to him. I would recommend taking your time and explore together. It is truly worth doing so.

[nightsilver]

A couple of things, when you direct connect over AIM then your IP is findable. I am willing to bet the same thing happens with webcams as well. TCPview I could try it out later tonight perhaps if anyone is interested in the results. During normal IMs, you are going through a server so they will not see you.

As for hiding your IP, you can look into such things as using a proxy. I believe gAIM (IM client for aim, msn, and yahoo all in one bundle) allows you to use a proxy when doing direct connects over aim.

Furthermore, even if the person only has your IP address, if you don't have a firewall up and Windows updated that they will be able to breach your computer.If you have any files on their with personal information, then they would able to find you or at least narrow their search. The firewall will deter the less experienced crackers (I hate to abuse the word hacker since it had a different meaning before the media took hold of it). A few other things worth having is a virus scanner and have it scheduled to check for updates and scan regularly.

I really do wish I had some experience about cracking so I would be better able to thoroughly explain security issues on computer systems. (I had had high hopes that the network security class this summer was going to be about that).

[_ID_]

regular email uses header information. ALL email contains this info, though it normally isn't displayed. However, check the next message you get in your in-box. I bet there is an option to 'view full header'. Do this, see what it says. Try sending yourself some mail from one account to the other. There is a bunch of info there. Someone who is a little savvy can spoof this information.

[jeanne]

You sound like you truly love your husband, and have already made the first steps in communicating your needs/desires to him. I would recommend taking your time and explore together. It is truly worth doing so.

I second Tasker's contribution - explore together. You may be pleasantly surprised to find that the Dom you dream of is right under your nose. It'll take patience and love, but go for it!

[His_blizzard]

You sound like you truly love your husband, and have already made the first steps in communicating your needs/desires to him. I would recommend taking your time and explore together. It is truly worth doing so.

All the advise you have received here is awesome...but this advise may be pure GOLD! This Dominant knows what he is talking about.... "peace" ~blizz~

[Logic1]

[QUOTE=Rhabbi;403149]Also, something that was not mentioned, you can be tracked by your IP address. This can be done if you go to a site that a person actually owns, and from that he can get your physical address. If you do not believe this is possible, then go here. http://www.ip-adress.com/QUOTE]

It doesnt show where I live either. It is about 30 kilometers off from where I live. Quite interresting though and yes it can be abused.
Listen to Tasker cause his advice is the best so far imo.

[Ruby]

Remember that searching for a new partner, while your with a partner, takes time away from the relationship.

Exploring your submissiveness with your current partner may be very exciting for both of you.

If you decide to seek an online dom, then there is some great advice already posted.

There is a difference between an online relationship where you may act out your fantasies in e-mail or chat, versus acting out your fantasies in real life with another person. Your limits may not be the same. If you are going to fill out a limits checklist, feel free to use the one in my signature. It has the same basic set of questions found anywhere, but was modified specifically for online relatonships.

http://www.vampirespet.com/ActivityChecklist.html

An RTF version can be downloaded here:

http://www.vampirespet.com/ActivityChecklistInRTF.rtf

And, you may want your partner to fill out the questions on his own.

It will provide you both with lots to talk about and you can see how compatible you are on many things.

Be safe and good luck!

[TomOfSweden]

I hope the guys extremely rich or I don't get it. My advice is trying honesty for a change. If she can't be open about her conflicted feelings with this guy, it doesn't seem like such a great relationship. I guarantee that being honest will be better for her in the long run. Either he goes, "wow that's great/freaky but I'm here for you" or he leaves her. In both cases she's the winner. If it turns out that he doesn't back her up when she needs it the most, her relationship wasn't anything to keep alive anyway. But maybe a relationship based on honesty and love isn't what she wants from life.

To sum up. If her husband is in on it and knows what she's up to, then all these worries about being traceable are irrelevant.

[moptop]

Another option to help her explore herself, and hopefully also to share the exploration with her partner, but if on her own, then without being unfaithful to him in any way - try the Academy.

[Rhabbi]

I guess my advice is atill take your time. I think you would be better off exploring all this with your husband, and if you elect to have an online Dom, then remember that you are not safe if he is a pedator, and act accordingly. Hide as much info as possible, use web based email, and protect yourself.

[cariad]

I get a lot of PM's in my inbox. All sorts. Some friendly and chatty; some exploring ideas in threads; some simple business ones; some moaning about me; some moaning about other members. Sometimes I get one which makes me smile from deep within. This is just such. It is a follow up to the email which I quoted at the start of this thread. Once again, copied here with the member's permission.

Hello, again

Thank you so much for your message and your thoughts. A lot has happened over the past few days, and I have some wonderful news that I wanted to share with you, as well as to thank you again for all your help and advice.
Last night, I decided that I could not hide anything from my boyfriend any longer. Even if I have only been exploring these feelings of mine for three days, I had kept that exploration from him and it felt terrible. I know I am not prepared to leave him, and nor am I prepared to have anything hurt him. So, I told him about the website, about the things I had learned, that I thought I might be submissive, and I also showed him a story that I had found particularly compelling on the site, explaining that I was not telling him any of this to try to make him change our interactions. Merely that keeping anything from him defied what I expected of myself in this relationship, and that it felt wrong not to trust him with everything that is a part of me. I explained also that the reason I had kept it to myself was because I was terrified of his reaction, of changing his opinion of me, and of making him unhappy.

His first reaction was to take me into this big bear hug and to tell me not to worry, that nothing could change his opinion of me. After he read the story, he told me that he understood, and while he was not sure he could incorporate all those things into what he did with me, I had nothing to be embarrased or ashamed of. We left it at that for a few hours, and then something changed - he suddenly got very demanding (dominating!) and started doing things that I had always dreamt he would do. And demanding things I had always wished he would. It was unbelievable. Before we went to sleep, I asked him whether all of what he had done over the evening had been because of my preferences or because he had found himself liking it more than he expected. He said it was more the latter than the former.
Anyway, I want to share this with you because you helped me learn and discover and accept myself a bit more in the past few days and I appreciate that. And I want to learn with him, learn to please him. I have so much faith and trust in him that I think this is the right place for me to start. Even if, in the end, he doesn't turn out to be a "real" dom, anything that we do will be wonderful, and I know I will be happy. In fact, I feel happier now, happier and more satisfied, more content, than I think I have ever felt. It is unbelievable. I can't stop smiling.

So, thank you, again.

[Rhabbi]

Glad to here that you listened to all of us and told your bf what you like. Even gladder to hear that he accepted it and found a kindred spirit within him. Keep communicating and you will continue to grow.

[jeanne]

Gosh, you're so lucky. I hope you continue to give each other exactly what you need!

[TomOfSweden]

He he. Good girl.TOLD YOU SO.

[Logic1]

this seems to be one of them days of joy on the forums.
lots of happy things happening.
Sometimes happiness and bliss lies too close to see at first glance.

congratulations girl!

[Rhabbi]

He he. Good girl.TOLD YOU SO.

Gee Tom, glad to see you can be so modest about this.

[TomOfSweden]

Gee Tom, glad to see you can be so modest about this.

I try to be humble, but not modest. It's a goal at least.

edit: my slave started laughing after I wrote this. I'm betrayed!