Under New Management or Meeting A New Dom

[Jadetiger]

To all the wonderful people who are helping me to grow and who are helping me understand what being submissive is all about.

Ladies, I really do love and treasure you all. Specially hug t you all for helping me to understand what kind of love it is: a perfect example of a sub's devotion, worship and love for their master.

WB,
I wish that was true. My threshold to pain is not amazing. I realized after the task was done that I was taking the pain to impress Saracen. I wanted him to think I was special and that I would do it for him and him alone. It seems my heart has already chosen Saracen as my Dom.

Caitlin,
Yes you are right but you already knew that. I do consider Saracen my Dom. My need to give him what I think he wants out weighs even logic at times. I will leave those concerns for Saracen to deal with because I am having enough problems dealing with myself. He will have the control so I need to give him my trust. Someone has to keep a level head on their her shoulders because it is not going to be me. LOL

Alura,
Yes it is turning out to be a big surprise to me too. I really don’t think I am that much into pain. I think my problem is I think Saracen is and I want to please him. The need to please him is so very strong. When I do a task for him I get a kind of power knowing I am doing something for him. It gives me strength to over come the pain, fear and also makes me horny as hell. Sometimes I am to scared and the emotions are to high for me to complete a task. I am trying to get a better handle on that. It distresses Saracen to see me cry. Saracen was so understanding that it made me feel bad to be acting so silly. If it wasn’t the support I constantly get. I would have run by now.

Ruby,
You always touch my soul with your words and love. You always address the logical side of me so I can understand how naturally my feelings really are. Yes I was feeling guilty about having such intense feelings for Saracen. I really don’t know what type of love we are talking about. I have never felt this was before. I want him to think I am special, I want him to be proud of me, I want him to know I will always do my best to please him, I want him to know that what he is giving me is filling an empty void deep inside and I want him to know he is the only one who makes me feel this way. Please if someone knows what kind of love it is tell me because the emotions are so strong and intense that I can’t put a name on it.

Sorry Ruby. I am being dramatic. I couldn’t do a task for Saracen today and started crying. I have never felt so ashamed as I did at that moment. I never wanted him to see my tears. I really wanted him to think I was strong enough to do whatever he asked.

So I guess I need to talked about my day. LOL Need a little break first then I will let everyone know what I have up too. Coffee, coffee and more coffee.

Damn I am out of Kleenex.

Hugs and Kisses,
Jade

[Jadetiger]

I cannot even explain how happy I am at the moment. Although I was not able to perform all of Saracen's tasks in preparation for our day together he was not angry with me. I did masturbate on Sunday twice and once early this morning. I normally do not orgasm so his command not to cum was easy to follow but I could not fantasize about him like I wanted to.

I have a phobia about being hit and even a bigger one about hitting myself. My first reaction was to my new toys. The paddle and whips. Saracen was great in telling me how to them so I wouldn't be so afraid. He did this last week.

I was really scared he would ask me to use them for our session today. I was even blaming Saracen a little for things he knew nothing about. I was in a big panic about it last night and not feeling at all submissive. You must all understand that I bought these toys all by myself. Saracen did not request that I get any of them. I bought things I thought Saracen would like and he did approve of my choices. My friends helped me through the panic and made me realize that I did trust Saracen to help me through whatever he requests of me.

Dealing with past abuse is always hard but I knew I could do it if Saracen helped. I was even cocky enough to mention that I was no longer riding high on my submissive cloud anymore. With shock and joy I realized I was wrong as soon as he typed hello. The need to serve and please him washed over me again. It is strange but it is kind of like being filled with power. All the things I had been worrying about seemed to disappear. I knew I could almost anything he asked me too.

The binding my breasts, wearing the nipple weights and wearing the gag ball was extremely easy for me to do for Saracen. But I couldn't believe that I did everything else he asked as well. I hit myself with the paddle, I masturbated while he watched, I even showed him my body (although he did let me keep some of me covered) and I came for him while he watched me. All of these things are things I never thought I could do for Saracen.

I will have to admit I was so hot that I took the paddle and my electric toothbrush to the bedroom. I place a couple of clothespins on my nipples and spread my legs wide while I pretended Saracen was whipping my pussy with the paddle. I could only strike myself 5 times then I masturbated again. I came so hard. I pretended that I was punished for cumming without permission. Five more strikes on my pussy and five on my inner thigh. By the way that hurts even if you aren't hitting hard. So my fantasy continue with Saracen's commanding me to masturbate and not cum which was very hard to do at this point. He tormented me by pulling on the clothespin, trying to force me to orgasm again with the pain. By the way ladies this is when I started begging my fantasy Saracen to cum. My very kind Master let me several times. I am still boiling inside but I do not want Saracen to worry about me hurting myself so I have put the toys away.

The fantasy is a gift for you Master since I was unable to do it early.

I only wish I had a camera in the bedroom so you could see what you did to me and the freedom you gave me today.

Thank You Master

Your sub Jade

[orchidsoul]

Jade,

It's so beautiful to watch your progression. You're so willing to discover even that you don't care for an activity. Your openness and honesty in seeking leaves me in awe.

xo
os

[Saracen]

Jade,

it seems I have been as controlling of you after the fact, as I was during your session! Your fantasy seems an accurate portrayal of how your session might have continued, under my guidance.

You were magnificent today, in submitting to all that I asked of you, and have once again made your Master very proud!

I shall have to give some thought to what I permit you to explore in my absence; but for today, your further exploration is to your credit, and will undoubtedly give you increased confidence for next time we meet....

Rest now, my girl, and let your body, heart and mind grow stronger!

Saracen.

[Jadetiger]

Master,
Thank you for not being mad at me for using your toys without your premission. I have put them away and will not use them again unless I have your premission. My ability to have fanatasies seems to have been resolved also.


Thank you Master.

Your Jade

[Caitlin]

Jade,

What a difference a day makes. I'm smiling at the enthusasim at which you described your tasks. It sounded like a hot hot hot ecperience.

I've enjoyed watching you grow and blossom, and have learnt many things from you along the way.

It's amazing the feelings, when you see a simple 'Hello' typed. You know he is there for you, and instantly you feel that connection, and many doubts and insecurities we hold are washed away.

Hugh and kisses
Caitlin

[Ruby]

Jade and Saracen,

Thank you both for continuing to be shining examples to those of us who wish to experience what you have and those of us who live vicariously through you.

With every post, I learn something new about myself, remember things I don't want to forget and am awed by the personal growth that Jade is so kind to share with the forums.

What a difference a day makes, indeed.

Ruby
XXX OOO

[Jadetiger]

Orchidsoul, Caitlin and Ruby,
Yes it was a wonderful day. I have also taken all your advice and started talking to Saracen as you suggested. He can't help guide me if he doesn't know what I am thinking and why. I told him the feelings behind the Yes Master today. It just was so much easier to just say Yes Master than open up. I did today and he did not get mad or angry. I'm sure he was surprised to find that the Yes Master had anger behind it. Not at him but anger that I didn't know if I could successfully do his task alone. I am a chicken. I think of the worst possible pain and feelings just so I can prepare myself to take it then deep inside I pray that I am wrong. Not talking only increases my fears of pain as well as my fear of failing Saracen. By the way ladies he still left me squirming over the new toy I will buy but I now know I will not be alone when I use them. Doms really do have an evil streak. He has my full attention and focus, which was his plan all along.

It is so strange to me this feeling I get with Saracen. I have never felt it before. I have played with many Dom's and while I respect many of them and even have been excited by the time I spent with them nothing compares to the submissive mind set I transform into when Saracen is with me. I find myself telling or giving him ideas when I know I should keep my mouth shut.

I do not believe Saracen's needs my help in coming up with tasks that he would like for me to perform. The ideas are not even ones that I think I will like either. They are ones that I think Saracen would be interested in seeing his sub perform. I really gave it some thought. I do believe PE was right when he say I am a lost woman. Why else would I be trying to keep Saracen's interests by making suggestions that scare the shit out of me. I do have it bad but isn't that what submission is about. Wanting to please someone else without tempering it for your own purposes or needs.

I feel much closer and safer in Saracen's care. I realize that he has an evil sense of humor, which I find very attractive. He has no problem giving his sub enough rope to hang herself or in our case to tie herself up with. My trust is growing with each word he types even when he is teasing and scaring me. But I really should learn to keep my mouth shut or I may have to learned it by sore body parts.

Saracen's sub,
Jade