However, if he is/was getting off on my being in pain and I'm not, I'd have a problem with that. In my mind, that response from him would lead towards abuse. I want a lover who's more "into me" than "into causing me pain".
i second that, and actually i don't think the original poster disagrees, either.

but a dom that is solely into causing pain because somebody else wants him to isn't really a dom, can't function in that role. the whole point is for me to feel dominated, have someone else take control of me and the situation - and that completely goes lost if i am the only person actively willing the scenario forward.