Very worried that current bdsm is caused by past abuse

[Velvet Starblue]

I understand where you're coming from. I too was abused as a kid, by my dad. It can all get very confusing sometimes. I'm adding a summary of what happened to me later in life that changed me; I posted this in my blog a while back. Although I do give details here, most of it is my amateur attempt at psychological analysis. I don't want to upset anyone who has been abused... my experience is VERY unusual. If someone feels this is in the wrong section of the board then I apologise, so let me know and if necessary I'll move the post. I'm new here still so am not sure as to whart goes here and what doesn't.

Songs of Experience (not so much Innocence)
I'm sure poor William Blake would be spinning in his grave if he knew that someone on this site was misquoting his titles as I just did... although Lord Byron probably would approve.

Here's something from a female perspective, speaking from personal experience... now this, OBVIOUSLY, does not work for all women as we are all so different. It works for me, I know that for sure!

Rape is obviously about power, and control. On the victim's part, within fantasies and role play, it can also be about absolving responsibility and being forced to do what one secretly longs for or wants to experiment with. I would never have expected to like being violated, let along react the way I did. It's not something I've ever talked about much before, and it's an experience I'm still adjusting to, in some ways.

Going through all this has changed me. I feel that it is for the better, as I have learned so much about myself and others. Although I am, generally speaking, more guarded and careful because of what happened, it's opened various aspects of my sexuality that I never would have explored otherwise, and on the whole this has been good fun, although confusing.

I've gone on about it before in this blog, but didn't really concentrate on the psychological effects of being raped - which, is essentially what it was - but enjoying it. Now that really WAS confusing, to say the least.

The guys who got hold of me tied me up and went down on me first, forcing me to orgasm a few times... a battle which I did my best to fight, but lost. When they'd exhausted me, they had me, making me do whatever they wanted. Their justification of this was that as they'd taken the time to make me enjoy it, they could be as rough and brutal with me as they wanted to. They were. I'd always prefered gentler sex until then... so the fact that I came several more times, while being thoroughly degraded and treated like a piece of meat, really messed my head up for ages.

Afterwards, there was a vast amount of guilt and confusion on my part. As far as I'm concerned, rape is the worst thing that can happen to a woman. I've always believed that. It's one of these ridiculous myths that women secretly enjoy the REALITY, as opposed to the fantasy, of being raped. It is, generally speaking, such a horrendous experience.

With me it was very different because they made sure I was spent, so I was aroused to the extent that I couldn't stop myself enjoying it. I guess I really was very lucky in some ways, and it must be very tough for other women who have been badly hurt and traumatised to see me here, going on about how good it felt to be forced into something that I hadn't wanted. By making me come, the guys took away my dignity and threw my belief system up the creek for a fair while. Also, I never had rape fantasies before this happened to me, but have loved reliving my experiences ever since.

The most humiliating, and yet also the most liberating aspect of the experience was being forced to lose control completely, despite my pleading with them to let me go. I was made to react in such a personal and intimate way, to something brutal that I'd always despised and feared. By the end of the rape, I was begging them to stop and begging for more all at once. I still feel somewhat ashamed, that something like this excited me. The fact is, it did, and it still does.

Although it was quite hard to come to terms with what these guys did to me, I think in the longrun it really did help me open my mind a little and cope with shit from my past. I don't want to give the impression that they would have stopped - nothing would have stopped them from raping me that night. I didn't get any choice as to whether they did or not. Initially I struggled so much that they tied me up to make me submit, although I pleaded with them not to. It was a case of shutting up and dealing with it really, being their plaything for as long as they wanted. I can't say I was particularly frightened, because I knew them so well and I knew they wouldn't become violent enough to seriously damage me, so I did have some form of safety net there, but that was dependent upon trust - that in itself was a big mindfuck. It's kind of difficult to keep your trust in men who are forcing you into something you don't want to do, even if you feel damn sure they won't get carried away enough to hurt you much.

They took a lot of pleasure in manipulating how I reacted to them. I remember psychologically trying very hard not to let my body repond - I felt like I shouldn't let myself enjoy it because I didn't want it, and I kept telling them to stop... at which point they became more insistent. I was getting hotter and hotter and I felt as though, if I let them make me come, I'd lose my self-respect. Struggling to keep control of myself and ultimately losing that battle was confusing to say the least.

I had to deal with the fact that (as they correctly kept telling me at the time) regardless of what I said, I just couldn't ignore how good it felt after a while. It became far too intense a but I had no choice. IAlthough it was a shock, being forced to lose control felt better than anything I've ever experienced - I could let go of my inhibitions and not be responsible, which I think is why a lot of women enjoy rape fantasy.

They all had me several times and it was incredible. They'd taken me to the point where all I wanted was to feel them force me into submission and to lie helpless while they fucked me again and again. It was weird.

I felt dirty and very ashamed for enjoying it, but I was lucky in comparison to so many others. I wasn't beaten or hurt, so I felt I had no business being traumatised. One thing that really got to me was my reaction. I'd always enjoyed oral sex and being dominated, but nowhere near to that extent. If anyone had told me, prior to that night, that a man could force me to come I would never have believed it, particularly after what I went through as a kid. I learned to disassociate that experience from my earlier experiences because, this time, it had felt so good to be dominated.

Well, these guys opened my eyes. I'd never had rape fantasies before but after what they did to me, I've found that I have my most intense orgasms when I'm being coerced in a similar way. Lying there helpless while I was brutally taken was so intense.


I hope this hasn't upset anyone.