Heh, no worries Aust...hard to format into the text box...a reason I actually prefer attachments

But anyhow, I read over about the first half so far and it's pretty good stuff! A few typos, just run a quick spell check and you should catch em. The second paragraph is pretty much the only part I didn't like; I get the disjointed flash of images you're going for, and I like the idea, but a few of the sentences are too awkward to keep the flow.

A good story though, nice buildup of the situation and background, and I like the fact it's a "what could have been" piece.