Need help to accept submission with joy

[steve_submits]

RubysPet,

I think that one of my problems is the difficulty I seem to have had accepting what I am and always have been--a male submissive. It (1) flies in the face of how men are supposed to see themselves and be seen by women, other men, and society; and (2) it explains much about the mutually unsatisfactory nature of the past history of my marriage. My wife and I had both accepted the labels we had been given by parents and the world. To be a good wife, a girl was taught (at least when my wife and I were growing up) to be submissive to her husband and a boy was taught that he must be assertive, aggressive--a dominant alpha male. Well, I am not sexually assertive while my wife is, and for years she felt that my lack of sexual aggressiveness was lack of interest in her--that was the farthest thing from the truth. I was simply constitutionally incapable of being the kind of male that was expected. As it turns out, it was my wife is the "alpha woman", the sexual dominant, and it was I who had to submit to her--We had been struggling over this for years. And you are right--I am in her debt because if she hadn't had the courage needed to understand the truth about our relationship and act on that knowledge, I never would have discovered the truth about myself and would not have come to understand much about my life that had been so confusing.

Also, it had not occurred to me that what I saw as a "problem" others would joyfully accept as a wonderful gift--a Domme who loved me and to whom I was actually married. Both you and Miss Ruby have helped me very much understand and resolve this conflict that I have been struggling with for so long. And, of course, when I relax and allow my body and my inner voice to guide me, they tell tell me what you (and I) already knew I must do--submit to my incredible Lady.

I truly pray that your relationship with Miss Ruby will ultimately cease to be a long-distance one and that you will finally be united with her.

Thank you and best wishes,
steve

[her_Joe]

Steve,

it sounds to me like you've got your head on straight except for when the old demons come out to play in your head .... and what Ruby and her pet have told you seems to make some authentic sense to you too and you're not having much trouble accepting their commonsense advice while you're here.

But you and we all know that some night when it's late, they're going to trundle out that old guilt bed again --

one option is to ask your lovely wife to punish you for what you've done wrong. But I don't think that will work nearly as well as the next:

print this thread out and read it for a reality check every time you get thinking crazy, mixed up thoughts.

her_Joe

[Ruby]

Steve,

It was my pleasure to be of service.

I agree with Her_Joe, this is something to print and review, often. :-)

Ruby

[steve_submits]

Dear Mistress Ruby,

Yes, Ma'am. And thank you again.

steve

Steve,

It was my pleasure to be of service.

I agree with Her_Joe, this is something to print and review, often. :-)

Ruby

[Ranai]

Dear Steve,

I will add some thoughts even though I am one of the much more inexperienced ones and you asked for ideas from experienced people. I believe Ruby, RubysPet and her_Joe have given you excellent advice. Ruby’s questions address the core of the matter: the facts. If your submission causes no harm, but pleasure for you both inside a loving relationship, it is a good thing.

Now for the unwanted lingering side-effects. I can understand that your wife is not overjoyed when you talk to her about that lingering sense of shame. In the afterglow of passion, and in moments of emotional intimacy, who would be thrilled to have to deal with that? But you are her husband and her submissive. With all there is to you. So it is for her to listen when you have something to say that troubles you. Even when it’s no enormous fun, and even though she can not perform a miracle and make it suddenly go away. Yes, it is important to appreciate the lady you are so lucky to have in your life. Yes, it is good to do your best to please her with your submission and devotion. But you are under no obligation to be perfect.

How are you to dictate and control your feelings and thoughts? No human being can. When we discover the joys of BDSM for ourselves we don’t need to turn shame around by 180 ̊ degrees. I mean, there’s no point in feeling ashamed because you have been feeling ashamed? I certainly had heaps of misconceptions, prejudices and stereotypes concerning BDSM before I made an effort to look at facts instead of myths. We don’t learn that many useful facts about BDSM in mainstream education. And as you say, each relationship has its own dynamics. We need to listen inside ourselves to find out what is good for us. As for cultural stereotypes how all men and women are supposed to be and act and feel – nobody is immune from them. The trick is to recognise stereotypes as what they are.

If thoughts and feelings of shame that you know to be irrational and unfounded in the light of your loving and mutually satisfying relationship show up in your mind, there is no need to battle against them. Look at the thoughts. Name them. Identify them. Identify where they come from. Let them pass. If they show up again, let them pass again. Another idea: Some old demons don’t support being made fun of very well. If you can find an amusing angle, use it.

As for the factual part, your answers to Ruby’s questions: The joy is there. The happiness is there. You have every reason to celebrate. So when the joy is there, let it soar and savour it!!


With a certain lack of originality I’ll add a quote. This dialogue is from a favourite book. It is not about desires of domination or submission, but seems applicable – and I like it! The speakers are Miss de Vine, a historian, and Harriet Vane, a novelist. Dorothy L. Sayers: Gaudy Night, chapter 2.

'...I imagine you come across a number of people who are disconcerted by the difference between what you do feel and what they fancy you ought to feel. It is fatal to pay the smallest attention to them.'
'Yes,' said Harriet, 'but I am one of them. I disconcert myself very much. I never know what I do feel.'
'I don't think that matters, provided one doesn't try to persuade one's self into appropriate feelings.' (...)
‘But (...) how is one to know which things are really of overmastering importance?’
‘We can only know that,’ said Miss de Vine, ‘when they have overmastered us.’

Finally, I would like to congratulate your wife on having such a wonderful man by her side and occasionally at her feet.

[steve_submits]

Dear Ranai,

I have been trying so hard to figure out the possible psychological sources of the feelings of "shame," which my conscious mind knows are unfounded, that I never considered your most practical suggestion:

"If thoughts and feelings of shame that you know to be irrational and unfounded in the light of your loving and mutually satisfying relationship show up in your mind, there is no need to battle against them. Look at the thoughts. Name them. Identify them. Identify where they come from. Let them pass. If they show up again, let them pass again."

That is so sensible and practical compared to the nearly impossible task of uncovering those "deep" reasons for the irrational feelings. Identify the source (negative cultural conditioning, in the case of D/s or BDSM), then let the feelings go....eventually they should pass on to the graveyard of false premises. I am putting your concept of naming and letting go into practice starting--NOW.

I only wish that I were able to fully live up to your most gracious conclusion in which you congratulate my wife "on having such a wonderful man by her side and occasionally at her feet."

In reality, it is she who should be congratulated for having put up with me for so many years and for forgiving me for endlessly backsliding. She is the most loving and forgiving of Dommes and it is I who must do far more to earn the right to be not only by her side but also the right to worship at her feet.

steve

P.S. I have always enjoyed Dorothy Sayers and her Lord Peter Wimsey. The quote is most appropriate.

[her_Joe]

[QUOTE=steve_submits]

In reality, it is she who should be congratulated for having put up with me for so many years and for forgiving me for endlessly backsliding. She is the most loving and forgiving of Dommes and it is I who must do far more to earn the right to be not only by her side but also the right to worship at her feet.

QUOTE]

A lovely bit of submission, Steve. She will, I'm sure, appreciate your effort and you will both thrill at your success.

[steve_submits]

Joe,

Ruby and Nathaniel's advice was excellent and has been well assimilated. But you are correct--the old demons refuse to die no matter how often they are killed. (One of Ruby's sexy vampires perhaps?) Your advice is well taken--I am saving the thread for future reference.

As for punishment, unfortunately, Lady L does not believe in inflicting pain--she is into pleasure and sees her sub as her pet who she is reluctant to make suffer. However, you are correct--this sometimes misguided sub might benefit from a few well-directed strokes when he misbehaves or strays.

Steve