Payback

[Rosie]

Thank you very much for all your thoughtful comments and helpful advice.

slo18

to get back at u ? that just doesnt sound right. talk to him and find out what he felt a need to get revenge for. talk this out and try to get him to bring up anything else he might feel a need to get back at u for, because revenge has no bussness in a scene.

I agree, it doesn't. When I tackled him about it, he said that he didn't really mean what he had said.


bearbeast

do you have a safty system in place

have you disscussed what you would like and dislike

never "Play" when there's bad feelings, as you know, it may get out of hand

before starting any "play" you must talk honstly, some partners find it difficuilt to give to others what they want, and need time to get there heads round it. May be he can't bringing himself to be that part you desire all I can say is spend plenty of time over a bottle of wine and a relaxed atmostpher and talk, maybe you'll come up with something you both like

Not easy with kids in the house, but I understand what you are getting at. We have discussed likes/dislikes, and I honestly believe he would stop if I told him to. But I know he has issues with what we do. He was brought up to never hit a girl, and to find that he liked doing it, was very hard on him.

BDSM Tourgide

Just one: Don't do another DS thing with him, ever!

Ask yourself the following questions and answer honestly:

Do I trust myself to be helpless with this man?

Do I trust this man's judgment and compassion?

Do I trust this man to communicate his feelings to me before he lashes out at me again?


If you answer no to any of the above, then you should not be practicing and kind of BDSM with your partner, husband or no.

Ouch - that's tough. But one of the reasons I keep coming back to this board is your matter-of-fact advice to this way of life, so when that advice is aimed at me - I ought to pay attention. I do need to seriously consider the answers to your questions. Until recently I would have said I felt safe with him, but now I'm not so sure.

His pita

totally agree with what has been said to you already. My goodness that would scare me terribly!

Your Dom's first obligation is to keep you safe at all times and to never break the trust that has been established. If he does that then there is no hope that you will ever be able to be fully submissive to him, because you are going to be on guard for what he will do next.

If he needs to punish you then it's his responsibility to sit you down and explain exactly why you are to be punished. He is to make the punishment fit the crime.

It scared me, too. He always says he puts my safety first. In this instance he hadn't told me he was upset with me, and I didn't know until much later that I was being punished.

Her Joe

Part of the "fun" of BDSM is the feelings of complete trust and, contradicting it, the feeling of risk. You willingly render yourself helpless and vulnerable because of your trust, and your feelings of vulnerability are sort of like fear because they are risks you would never run with someone if it weren't for your trust in the person who is the Top.

I feel torn because I should trust him. We've been married twenty years and he's never raised a hand to me. (Well, outside of this type of activity, that is) And he can't understand why this one incident is such a big deal to me.

Ruby

I'd be freaked out, too. Anger/revenge has no place in the bedroom or the playroom.

That type of payback behavior doesn't belong in a marriage, d/s play, or anywhere else with someone you sleep with and share you life and home.

TG's questions may be tough to ask yourself, but you should take a moment to honestly answer them.

If you want to continue, then I second the talk and find out what's going on before you play , if ever, with him again.

Loving BDSM or sex play is not about payback. As your top/dom he's got a lot of responsiblity to care for you and your needs. If he can't handle the responsiblity, then don't play with him.

Do your best to educate him & get him to educate himself on what you're seeking. If he doesn't want or understand how to play safe, sane and consensual, then do what you need to do to protect yourself.

I do want to continue with him, and I do love him. The interest in BDSM is mine; he says he does it just for me, and he doesn't want to read up about it. It's taken me all of our married life to get to this stage - he wouldn't even indulge in spanking before this - but I know he enjoys it if he could just let himself get into it. I don't want to go back to vanilla but now, I'm scared to proceed, and in a way, it's harder that he's my husband because I want him to need the same things I do.

TG's questions are valid, but the answers are not ones I particularly like. If I can't play with him, I lose the sensations I crave, and I don't want to be without him.

Looks like I have a lot of hard questions ahead.

[KSCouple4SLV]

Thank you very much for all your thoughtful comments and helpful advice.

slo18


I agree, it doesn't. When I tackled him about it, he said that he didn't really mean what he had said.


bearbeast


Not easy with kids in the house, but I understand what you are getting at. We have discussed likes/dislikes, and I honestly believe he would stop if I told him to. But I know he has issues with what we do. He was brought up to never hit a girl, and to find that he liked doing it, was very hard on him.

BDSM Tourgide

Ouch - that's tough. But one of the reasons I keep coming back to this board is your matter-of-fact advice to this way of life, so when that advice is aimed at me - I ought to pay attention. I do need to seriously consider the answers to your questions. Until recently I would have said I felt safe with him, but now I'm not so sure.

His pita

It scared me, too. He always says he puts my safety first. In this instance he hadn't told me he was upset with me, and I didn't know until much later that I was being punished.

Her Joe


I feel torn because I should trust him. We've been married twenty years and he's never raised a hand to me. (Well, outside of this type of activity, that is) And he can't understand why this one incident is such a big deal to me.

Ruby


I do want to continue with him, and I do love him. The interest in BDSM is mine; he says he does it just for me, and he doesn't want to read up about it. It's taken me all of our married life to get to this stage - he wouldn't even indulge in spanking before this - but I know he enjoys it if he could just let himself get into it. I don't want to go back to vanilla but now, I'm scared to proceed, and in a way, it's harder that he's my husband because I want him to need the same things I do.

TG's questions are valid, but the answers are not ones I particularly like. If I can't play with him, I lose the sensations I crave, and I don't want to be without him.

Looks like I have a lot of hard questions ahead.

When I first read this I went "WOW". This made warning bells go off in my head. I totally agree with everything said. I really think he needs to set down and think about what he was getting back at you for. Sounds like he may have some deep seated resentments that need to be dealt with before he can begin to be the Dom you want, if he will ever be able to.

I grew up in the same fashion he did. Very conservative family that taught me never to hit girls and to follow the golden rule. As I grew older, I found I had all these desires that I was ashamed of and unfortuantely had no one to talk to about. For the longest time I just pushed them inside, hiding them from the world and myself. When I finally found others within the lifestyle that enjoyed the same things I did, I found out I wasn't alone in my feeling or thoughts.

What a relief that was for me. For the first time in my life, I could finally open up and be myself without worrying about what the others would think of me. As I researched this lifestyle more and more, I had to ask myself were the beliefs I was raised with really my beliefs. After a fews years of exploration, I gave myself permission to be the person that I really am - a Dominant male that gets turned on by having another person under my control and that it was OK to feel the way I did. I learned that a lot of women want a man that will take control and enforce their will.

I really think your husband needs to take a look at himself and the stuggles he has going on within himself. Until he comes to grip with the fact that he enjoys inflicting the pain that you crave, maybe he shouldn't play but do some research into the lifestyle and what it is he wants and you desire. Maybe look at what he really meant by what he said and why he would want to hurt you to get even with some deep seated resent he is carrying.

Hope this helps a little.

PainfulPleasures @ sbcglobal.net

[Rosie]

I grew up in the same fashion he did. Very conservative family that taught me never to hit girls and to follow the golden rule. As I grew older, I found I had all these desires that I was ashamed of and unfortuantely had no one to talk to about. For the longest time I just pushed them inside, hiding them from the world and myself. When I finally found others within the lifestyle that enjoyed the same things I did, I found out I wasn't alone in my feeling or thoughts.

What a relief that was for me. For the first time in my life, I could finally open up and be myself without worrying about what the others would think of me. As I researched this lifestyle more and more, I had to ask myself were the beliefs I was raised with really my beliefs. After a fews years of exploration, I gave myself permission to be the person that I really am - a Dominant male that gets turned on by having another person under my control and that it was OK to feel the way I did. I learned that a lot of women want a man that will take control and enforce their will.

I really think your husband needs to take a look at himself and the stuggles he has going on within himself. Until he comes to grip with the fact that he enjoys inflicting the pain that you crave, maybe he shouldn't play but do some research into the lifestyle and what it is he wants and you desire. Maybe look at what he really meant by what he said and why he would want to hurt you to get even with some deep seated resent he is carrying.

Thank you for putting forward your point of view. It was interesting to read it from somebody who has been there. When you think about it, much of this lifestyle goes against the vanilla world. It can be tough for those drawn to it, never mind for those who get into it to please a partner. He isn't a bad man, he's just confused by what I want and he doesn't understand it - my desires or his own.

[hislittlebrattysub]

I agree with pretty much everything said here. the one thing I would like to stress:


COMMUNICATION

You have been married 20 years, so this is not an easy relationship to walk away from. That being taken into account, I would seriously stop any sort of intimacy until a dialogue has begun that makes you comfortable again. I really really really hope that you find a kink-friendly therapist and start going. He obviously has issues that he needs to address. Even if he refuses to go to therapy with you, go on your own. This is a HUGE red flag and I hope you go get the help your relationship needs. Safety is a big big concern and remind him about the mottos of the bdsm community: SSC and RACK. Please, for your sake and his, go get some help from someone. Take care of yourself. I wish you the best.

[Rosie]

I agree with pretty much everything said here. the one thing I would like to stress:


COMMUNICATION

You have been married 20 years, so this is not an easy relationship to walk away from. That being taken into account, I would seriously stop any sort of intimacy until a dialogue has begun that makes you comfortable again. I really really really hope that you find a kink-friendly therapist and start going. He obviously has issues that he needs to address. Even if he refuses to go to therapy with you, go on your own. This is a HUGE red flag and I hope you go get the help your relationship needs. Safety is a big big concern and remind him about the mottos of the bdsm community: SSC and RACK. Please, for your sake and his, go get some help from someone. Take care of yourself. I wish you the best.

Yes, it seems clear that there are more issues involved here than just whether he can control himself while we play. Twenty years is a long time to be together - thank you for your concern.

[Katmandu]

Hmmm, being a newbie in the Top/Dom thing, one can definitely get carried away, without knowing how/where to put limits.

All in all, luv, sounds like it was just part of his scene, though.

Advice(?!): simply make sure there is a workable way for you to get away (or out of the bondage on your own) should the scening get too carried away, and he chooses not to recognize when you truly want to stop. (believe me, that takes LOTS of practice, to be able to read each other in this context!)

You both sound as if you need to slow down, curb your anxiousness at the fun, and learn more at a much slower pace.

[Carmenica Diaz]

Move out immediately - the man is a fool!