Payback

[Rosie]

I grew up in the same fashion he did. Very conservative family that taught me never to hit girls and to follow the golden rule. As I grew older, I found I had all these desires that I was ashamed of and unfortuantely had no one to talk to about. For the longest time I just pushed them inside, hiding them from the world and myself. When I finally found others within the lifestyle that enjoyed the same things I did, I found out I wasn't alone in my feeling or thoughts.

What a relief that was for me. For the first time in my life, I could finally open up and be myself without worrying about what the others would think of me. As I researched this lifestyle more and more, I had to ask myself were the beliefs I was raised with really my beliefs. After a fews years of exploration, I gave myself permission to be the person that I really am - a Dominant male that gets turned on by having another person under my control and that it was OK to feel the way I did. I learned that a lot of women want a man that will take control and enforce their will.

I really think your husband needs to take a look at himself and the stuggles he has going on within himself. Until he comes to grip with the fact that he enjoys inflicting the pain that you crave, maybe he shouldn't play but do some research into the lifestyle and what it is he wants and you desire. Maybe look at what he really meant by what he said and why he would want to hurt you to get even with some deep seated resent he is carrying.

Thank you for putting forward your point of view. It was interesting to read it from somebody who has been there. When you think about it, much of this lifestyle goes against the vanilla world. It can be tough for those drawn to it, never mind for those who get into it to please a partner. He isn't a bad man, he's just confused by what I want and he doesn't understand it - my desires or his own.

[hislittlebrattysub]

I agree with pretty much everything said here. the one thing I would like to stress:


COMMUNICATION

You have been married 20 years, so this is not an easy relationship to walk away from. That being taken into account, I would seriously stop any sort of intimacy until a dialogue has begun that makes you comfortable again. I really really really hope that you find a kink-friendly therapist and start going. He obviously has issues that he needs to address. Even if he refuses to go to therapy with you, go on your own. This is a HUGE red flag and I hope you go get the help your relationship needs. Safety is a big big concern and remind him about the mottos of the bdsm community: SSC and RACK. Please, for your sake and his, go get some help from someone. Take care of yourself. I wish you the best.

[Rosie]

I agree with pretty much everything said here. the one thing I would like to stress:


COMMUNICATION

You have been married 20 years, so this is not an easy relationship to walk away from. That being taken into account, I would seriously stop any sort of intimacy until a dialogue has begun that makes you comfortable again. I really really really hope that you find a kink-friendly therapist and start going. He obviously has issues that he needs to address. Even if he refuses to go to therapy with you, go on your own. This is a HUGE red flag and I hope you go get the help your relationship needs. Safety is a big big concern and remind him about the mottos of the bdsm community: SSC and RACK. Please, for your sake and his, go get some help from someone. Take care of yourself. I wish you the best.

Yes, it seems clear that there are more issues involved here than just whether he can control himself while we play. Twenty years is a long time to be together - thank you for your concern.

[Katmandu]

Hmmm, being a newbie in the Top/Dom thing, one can definitely get carried away, without knowing how/where to put limits.

All in all, luv, sounds like it was just part of his scene, though.

Advice(?!): simply make sure there is a workable way for you to get away (or out of the bondage on your own) should the scening get too carried away, and he chooses not to recognize when you truly want to stop. (believe me, that takes LOTS of practice, to be able to read each other in this context!)

You both sound as if you need to slow down, curb your anxiousness at the fun, and learn more at a much slower pace.

[Carmenica Diaz]

Move out immediately - the man is a fool!

[Rosie]

Sorry Kat - I missed this:

Advice(?!): simply make sure there is a workable way for you to get away (or out of the bondage on your own) should the scening get too carried away, and he chooses not to recognize when you truly want to stop. (believe me, that takes LOTS of practice, to be able to read each other in this context!)

I know it takes time - it worries me he doesn't seem to want to read me, or learn about what I would like. We haven't done any bondage since then... perhaps it's the best thing right now.

[fluff]

Not much I can say that hasn't been said already Rosie - but my sincerest hopes that things head in the right direction. To err is human - we are all fallible. On the bright side, your husband was honest with you in admitting that he punished you in anger - You'll both grow and move forth from this experience - Keep talking with him about it.