I was here a long time ago with this same problem. I'm still with the same guy and I've learned a few things.

1. I love pain and sex. Pain freaks him out. So pain is out, at least anything more than squeezing my breasts and spanking me.

2. It isn't about the pain for me anymore. He's dominant, even if he doesn't want to label it to what he sees as taboo BDSM context. I've accepted the fact that I am submissive emotionally with the possibility of physically.

I guess it is all about your needs. If you need a guy to press you against the wall and fuck your brains out then someone like my man isn't going to impress you. If you want to feel able to give over control to someone who wont abuse it, then I have the man I've been looking for.