Payback

[Rosie]

Not much I can say that hasn't been said already Rosie - but my sincerest hopes that things head in the right direction. To err is human - we are all fallible. On the bright side, your husband was honest with you in admitting that he punished you in anger - You'll both grow and move forth from this experience - Keep talking with him about it.

Thank you, Fluff. My husband isn't fond of BDSM related fun - so, when we did it that day, I thought he was doing it to please me. When I found out he was actually doing it to hurt me, I felt upset and betrayed.

[FurryFury]

Hi Rosie!

Okay my POV is different from most everyone else and it's only my POV so take it with a grain of salt.

First I had an ex husband who would say things to me in the heat of a moment usually an argument which he enjoyed starting and then insist that he didn't mean it. He thought communicated meant making me cry and talk. He really didn't know how to communicate at all.

I found this very confusing and frustrating but ultimately decided that in some way he did mean it he just didn't want to admit it to himself and he didn't mean it as fully as it sounded at the time, so that could be part of what was going on with you husband.

Now I am married to a man who communicates very well. He says he is not into BDSM but I have pulled him that way anyhow. He didn't want to spank me. He was afraid he would lose control. He has no desire to hurt me.

If he made a comment like that I would assume he was either kidding as in, "have you been a bad little girl who needs a spanking, I'm punishing you because you are being so bad," or was actually mad at being put in this position and in that case I would be happy to see what his anger felt like. If it were too harsh I would let him know that too.

So to me the questions are:

Did you enjoy what he did before he made that unfortunate remark?

Do you think he really meant what he said or do you think it was a sort of badly worded playful thing?

If you do not want to leave him over this, and frankly I wouldn't either, do you know you will feel a need to do more D/s play?

If so you need to communicate with him and he with you a lot.

Do you think it's fair of him to be angry that he is being sort of forced into this activity to please you?

Do you think that anger if it exists can be channeled into a direction you could enjoy?

He doesn't have to be educated on BDSM as such. He needs to be educated on you. That can be hard when you are not sure how far you want to go or what exactly you want. A couples inventory and safe words could help.

You could let him know a scenario that you would like to try. You can also let him know gently what you find scary and what isn't your idea of ideal D/s stuff. Do that when you are not in the bedroom and do it with the me messages not the you messages. As in I feel scared when told I'm being punished. Instead of you scared me when you said you were punishing me. What I like is...

You should praise him honestly and effusively whatever he does do, that "hits the spot," so to speak. That could also come later at the time hopefully he can tell by your out cries and body language as you thrash about and spasm.

Now some will say this is topping from the bottom. From what you say he is NOT your Master and probably never will be. I call it communication and ingenuity but be prepared you will likely never get all that you want with him. You have to reconcile yourself to that if you don't want to leave him and yes, it's HARD to do sometimes.

Good luck,

Fury

[Rosie]

Hi Fury,

If he made a comment like that I would assume he was either kidding as in, "have you been a bad little girl who needs a spanking, I'm punishing you because you are being so bad," or was actually mad at being put in this position and in that case I would be happy to see what his anger felt like. If it were too harsh I would let him know that too.

He didn't tell me that he was getting back at me until much later. I thought, at the time, that we were both wanting the same things.

So to me the questions are:

Did you enjoy what he did before he made that unfortunate remark?

Yes.

Do you think he really meant what he said or do you think it was a sort of badly worded playful thing?

He meant it.

If you do not want to leave him over this, and frankly I wouldn't either, do you know you will feel a need to do more D/s play?

Yes. I've craved it, for ever, it seems.

If so you need to communicate with him and he with you a lot.

Do you think it's fair of him to be angry that he is being sort of forced into this activity to please you?

His anger apparently had nothing to do with BDSM stuff at all. We were going through a bad patch, and arguing a lot, and he was paying me back because he was unhappy. But - so was I, and I think it was childish to lash out - literally - at me like that.

Do you think that anger if it exists can be channeled into a direction you could enjoy?

No.

He doesn't have to be educated on BDSM as such. He needs to be educated on you. That can be hard when you are not sure how far you want to go or what exactly you want. A couples inventory and safe words could help.

You could let him know a scenario that you would like to try. You can also let him know gently what you find scary and what isn't your idea of ideal D/s stuff. Do that when you are not in the bedroom and do it with the me messages not the you messages. As in I feel scared when told I'm being punished. Instead of you scared me when you said you were punishing me. What I like is...

You should praise him honestly and effusively whatever he does do, that "hits the spot," so to speak. That could also come later at the time hopefully he can tell by your out cries and body language as you thrash about and spasm.

Now some will say this is topping from the bottom. From what you say he is NOT your Master and probably never will be. I call it communication and ingenuity but be prepared you will likely never get all that you want with him. You have to reconcile yourself to that if you don't want to leave him and yes, it's HARD to do sometimes.

Thank you, for this thoughtful response to my question. You have given me a lot of questions, and a lot of suggestions that are most helpful. I do try to please him; he said he would play like this but he didn't want to do just what I wanted, which was a fair comment, but we've had at least three sessions that were just horrible - there was nothing in them to please me at all.

[FurryFury]

I've had moments like that. When I thought he was into and I knew I was but I later found out he wasn't and it devastated me. I keep wanting to believe that he enjoys it more than he wants to admit to even himself but that is probably a self serving thing.

I totally understand the craving I have it too. It's sometimes a painful thing because even if he will play with me, it's not the same as what I really want, which is a Dominant that is secure in his own domination is confident and enjoys it when I submit to him.

*hugs*

So you are hurt emotionally that he lashed out at you like that but you enjoyed it before you knew that he was lashing out due to his unhappiness and anger?

That's what I'm saying. You enjoyed what he did before. The context has changed but I'll bet that was one of the best sessions you ever had with him before the context changed. So I'd say that you could channel it if you could get past this hurt.

You are most welcome. I don't have a huge amount of experience in BDSM but I do have some with pulling a husband into it when he claims he doesn't want to go there.

I'm sorry the three sessions had nothing in them to please you. It makes me wonder if he isn't trying to kill your hunger for this sort of play by making you do what he knows you do NOT like. I can see a guy doing that. Give her enough of her own medicine and she'll quit wanting it but in my case he would just possibly drive me to someone who would do the things I had a deep need for. I've been tempted to do so a along. It's only my love and trust with him that keeps me from doing that. If I thought he were playing those sorts of games with me, it would piss me off, possibly bad enough to be selfish enough to go for what I deeply feel driven to.

Good luck to you!

I'll be thinking about you.

*HUGS*

Fury

[Barton]

Just saw this thread. Tourguide is correct. What he did breaks all the rules for a dom. Severly.

This is no little thing. To hit your submissive in anger is so basicly wrong that it almost defies description. You do not ever punish when you are angry or scene with a motive like revenge. This goes beyond all common sense.
He has shown that he is not to be trusted. This is not a game when it gets like that.