How to bring out the dom in vanilla partner?

[FurryFury]

Karin,

The question you ask is more complicated that you might think.

I have been trying to ease my husband in that direction for a while but he has no desire to be Dominant. Now if your husband actually has a desire and you have offered you submission to him on a silver platter, I think he will move on from there.

Here are a few things that might help.

Look up a BDSM inventory or checklist. Spend a night each checking off what you are interested in doing, what you are willing to do and how much interest you have in said activity. This will give you tons to discuss. We found it very rewarding.

Also discuss safe words with you husband. I think one big hang up with life partners is they feel they are not supposed to hurt you or they are worried they will lose control and go too far. If you have a safe word then he could possibly feel a little more relaxed about proceeding.

Be sure he knows as much as you do about your current limits. If you get to play, your limits will change but you can't know how when or how this will occur until you get to play and try things.

If you are into pain. Call it sensation and NOT pain unless HE is clear about being into giving you pain.

If you have bruises or other lovely mementos later that you enjoy, don't talk about it still hurting unless you are sure he will be happy to have marked you and hurt you. (This can scare off men who don't want to hurt you.)

If he does something you don't consider to be what you want, remember you are putting him in charge, so tread gently unless he is going past your stated limits and/or ignoring your safe word. Men are so often like little boys, if you express the slightest dissatisfaction they will sulk and find a new game to play, possibly with a new toy.

If he does something you like act like it and later shower him with praise. "Oh honey! I keep thinking about how you grabbed me the other night and just took me, doing what YOU wanted to and it makes me so happy, I'm dripping right now." Be honest though, you have to have really liked it and really be dripping. Make him feel and verify. *winks* Which brings us to...

Tease, tease, tease him. Don't let an opportunity go by in which you are not teasing him and making him simmer. Keep the anticipation up. Prime the pump.

Finally, talk and act like this is a great adventure you can talk together. It is. Each new activity is a wonderful ride. You might find you don't like the Tea Cups (figging). You might find you prefer the carousel (spanking). Whichever, just enjoy the rides as you both learn what you like and good luck.

Fury

Please note: The above is advice from someone who hasn't got a huge amount of experience herself but she's working on it and means well. Take all advice whether asked for or not with a grain of salt. Mileage my vary.

[submissivewife]

Please note: The above is advice from someone who hasn't got a huge amount of experience herself but she's working on it and means well. Take all advice whether asked for or not with a grain of salt. Mileage my vary.

Fury you are like the neatest person I have met so far. I like how you ended with a disclaimer.

ok so I am now going to show how little I know about the terms: What is figging?

subwife

[FurryFury]

Fury you are like the neatest person I have met so far. I like how you ended with a disclaimer.

ok so I am now going to show how little I know about the terms: What is figging?

subwife

Hi Subwife!

*Grins*

Well thank you! *hugs*

I think a disclaimer is a good idea as I don't know as much as I'd like to or as I sometimes thing I do. LOL!

Figging is when you take a "hand" of ginger, peel it and use it in your ass, vagina, against your clit or nipples OR in HIS ass, uretha and so on.

Do not rinse the ginger off, it's the natural oils that make the sensation work. It burns. Also don't lube it, not even if it is going in the ass. It doesn't need lube! I have tried this a few times and it's quite an interesting thing to do!

Here are a couple of links on it.

http://www.figging.com/

http://www.rsvpla.org/

Fury

[quietkarin]

I think one big hang up with life partners is they feel they are not supposed to hurt you or they are worried they will lose control and go too far. If you have a safe word then he could possibly feel a little more relaxed about proceeding.

I think the fear of hurting is definitely a factor. I may need to put more emphasis on how safewords work.

Thanks so much for all of your input and ideas. I particularly like the idea of a checklist - useful input from both people.

[FurryFury]

I think the fear of hurting is definitely a factor. I may need to put more emphasis on how safewords work.

Thanks so much for all of your input and ideas. I particularly like the idea of a checklist - useful input from both people.

Hi QuietKarin!

I'm glad you feel all this helped you a little.

One other note, just because you see him as dominant doesn't mean he sees himself that way. Be prepared for him to see himself differently. I also saw my husband as a dominant but in the bedroom he does not feel that way at all. Therefore we take turns. Sometimes he plays at being dominant for me. Sometimes I play at being dominant for him. Other times we are tired and just fuck.

So if you find out he is dominant in business and even at home but not in the bedroom you have to find a way to live with that and love him anyway. One good thing about my situation is that we each put the other person's needs before our own. Usually that's a good thing. Sometimes I wish we were both just a little bit more selfish though. All that may never become a concern of yours but I thought it was worth mentioning.

Also someone I respect who has more experience than answered a similar question to asked by lady recently who wanted to research BDSM for her husband. I'll pass along his words of wisdom to you because I think he has a very valid point here.

"I don't think you researching and organizing everything for him is going to necessarily have the effect you hope it might. Nothing wrong with being honest about your feelings and even pointing him in the right direction, but now is the time to use that feminine mystique."

Now that being said, the corner stone in any relationship should be communication. In a BDSM relationship that need for communication increases exponentially IMO. So that makes for a fine line to walk. It has to be walked though, I really believe that it does.

Good luck to you,

Fury

[FurryFury]

Some checklist links:

http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/bo...checklist.html

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/bdsm_checklist.html

http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/question1.shtml

http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/checklst.html

Enjoy,

Fury