Hi Razor,

Dean gave you great points to think about and tackle.

This version, while better than the last, still falls short
of the task at hand.

Take a look at the feedback below and give yourself a bit of time to think how you can make this story better.

Dialog

You can do better. It's not the only words of the dialog, it's how you present them.

Describe the tone of voice, if you must, after and not before.

If someone asks a question, then use "asks" instead of "said".

Laughing, speaking, laughing, grinning... these characters must have more to show than these actions.

Let the dialog stand alone. Start or end a paragraph with it, but keep it out of the middle of a paragraph.

Make sure the actions of one person aren't mixed with the dialog of another.

Active Versus Passive Tense:

I was thinking Razor could be doing better. (passive)
I know Razor can do better. (active)

There are many places where "passive" versus "active" tense are used. This affects pacing the slows down the actual action, versus the background/setting descriptions.

"Began to, was, were, be, being, and been" are all warning signs that the passive tense is present. The passive tense does have it's place, however, its your task to edit this story and remove it where you find it used as a background description when it should be foreground action.

Samples that can be turned "active":


She was starting to get wet as she thought...

The Queen was hot with anticipation toward seeing what was on the other side of the The Veil.

Epithymia leaned over and kissed the captive Princess, who was shocked by the sudden move ...

Epithymia began to play with herself as the scene in front of her played out, ...
Possible edits:

She grew wetter thinking about...

The Queen anticipated seeing the other side of the The Veil.

Epithymia leaned over the kissed the captive princess. The princess "did some action that would let us know she was suprised"... her eyes widened, her head jerked back...whatever.

*** We don't know she's shocked, cause Epithymia isn't reading her mind, only her actions. Princess is lower case in the middle of a sentence, because it's not a name, it's just a title.

Epithymia played with herself as "something happened".

Who's POV?

This brings us to one of the most difficult tasks.
This story is written from an omnipresent viewpoint,
and not the viewpoint of the Queen. There are things
she can't know that have been told, or descriptions about her that she isn't thinking or perhaps wouldn't have been thinking.

Examples abound in this story.

Through her sobs, the seditionist girl screamed in protest, her voice shrill with fear, obviously familiar with Epithymia's reputation for sadism...

Her lust lied elsewhere, and the guards knew that...

Deeper and deeper they went into the caverns beneath the Gothic castle, paying little attention to the screams that emanated from the various levels of Epithymia's dark prison.

The Queen clapped her hands together and jumped with enthusiasm, betraying her young age.

Malus smiled at his mistress' attention to detail.
What else?

This story has great potential and is boring in its presentation. I don't care about the queen, her captive or her monster. I have not reason to do so. I don't like or dislike her, she just is.

I'm a huge fan of starting a story with dialog, however, in this case, it may not help the story. It doesn't help us get inside the Queen's head and that's where we want to be.

You may want to consider providing background information earlier, slowing building the pace,
then enthralling us with the wicked monster and the lovely princess.

Think of a layout like this:

1. Introduce Queen and what she is about.
2. Play with new prisoner and have her removed. (a tease)
3. Enter Malus and introduce princess. and provide more information. (more tease)
4. Return focus to princess and queen f/f action. (teasing becomes pleasing)
6. Monster and princess - Action, action, action! (Leave them wanting more!)

Sample:

Epithymia, queen of "name of place" and conquerer of her domain thought about the present and the past as if she had all the time in the world. Between her legs, a slave's tongue curled and flicked the queen's sensitive clit. The girl didn't satisfy Epithymia's lust for power. The slave couldn't. Yet the queen held the slave in place, forcefully holding the girl's long hair, and enjoyed the simple pleasures of ruling.

(Ah, we now more about her. Not enough, but in the first paragraph, we have something to enjoy and keep us reading.)

Epithymia wanted more. More power, more kingdoms to rule, more slaves, more..... Her simple plan had been fulfilled. (explain how she came to power, why should we like or hate her - give us a reason)

... then carry on.

Good luck, Razor! You can do it!

Ruby