Very nicely done. I'd love to read the backstory. Excellent characterization, considering it's being lifted from the middle of a work.

You need to brush up on punctuation a bit. In the stickies, there are some links to the Purdue Online Writing Lab (OWL), which is about the best place i know for clear concise grammar refreshers.

Try to edit out some of the "Tits" and use pronouns in the narrative. Gives less of a repetitive factor, and since she is the only female in this section, there won't be any confusion about to whom it is referring.

You have a moderate case of "as-itis". i recognize it because i suffer from the same affliction. The "as phrase" is sometimes necessary to convey concurrent actions, but overused it gives a sameness to sentence structure, leading to monotony and a rhythmic, sing-songy feel. If the reader focuses on the rhythm of the words, they are pulled out of the story.

An excellent beginning. i will get your next assignment posted today or tomorrow.

On to the nits.

Quote Originally Posted by TheVariableX View Post
The Blackmail Club
Chapter 3 by TheVariableX

Tits rushes upstairs carrying a cheap metal tray with a pitcher of Bloody Marys balanced atop. Her mistress had used her for too long, and now she would be late with the master’s {since we find out later in the story there's more than one, this should be 'masters'.} drinks. As Tits hurries down a long hall in a cheap and revealing fresh maid costume she curses her poor choices for putting her in this position. {Just a little awkward here. "Tuts hurries down the long hall and curses her poor choices that make her a servant and sex slave to a bunch of kids she should be assigning homework." flows a little better. Servant and sex slave to a bunch of kids she should have been setting homework for. She was a happily married woman, and (delete) yet she allowed one of her female students to seduce her into a physical relationship, and opened the door for these boys to blackmail her.

Tits pauses outside the door to the master’s lounge. From inside (delete)the sounds of laughter mix with the annoying beeps of a pinball machine. As Tits listens at the door, a great booming pours forth.

*Ding* *Ding* *Ding* *Ding* *Ding* *Ding*

Balancing the tray in one hand, Tits opens the door and rushes into the room as the grandfather clock finishes its call. Like the rest of the mansion, the lounge is run down and in dire need of repair (only need one of these). The master’s lounge sounds far grander than the reality. Two couches in front of a television, an xbox, a pinball machine and an antique grandfather clock. Lounging around the room are three unkempt youths dressed in tatty old tuxedos . Three seniors from Mrs. Redcliff's class. Outside she was Mrs. Sarah Redcliff, highschool (two words) teacher. In here, she was just Tits, one slave among many, and a favorite for these boys to torture and humiliate. Tits forces a smile as she (and)looks at the bastard’s who are blackmailing her.

“I have your drinks, Masters.”

“Hey, Tits,” a boy wearing dark sunglasses greets their well- endowed, blond (usually "blonde" when referring to a female) teacher. “You’re late.”

“I’m sorry, but I have the Bloody Marys you asked for .”

“Too late, Tits, Its like 6:02 or something and we’re way to (too) civilized to drink Bloody Marys in the evening”

Sarah allows a scowl to darken her face. She wants nothing more than to wring these posers necks, but by now (delete)the weight of (delete) blackmail they have over her is too complete. At first, it was the lesbian relationship with a student, but now they have her on tape performing all sorts of degraded acts, some of them illegal.

“You drink it,” the third teen orders as he puffs away on a wooden pipe.

“Oh I don’t really care for tomatoes.”

“... (delete)Drink it or you find out what a Bloody Mary enema feels like”

Knowing that these boys are men of their word Sarah drops the knock-off silver tray, and begins to scull (change to 'sculls')from the pitcher.

“When your done there, Tits I’ve got a cock chaser for you.” brags the youth in sunglasses, as he pulls out his semi erect dick and gives it a good shake.

Tits sighed. It was going to be a long night, and worse, she had class in the morning.

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I seem to struggle with getting to the action. I have a delicious chapter 1 written and the start of a chapter 2 before I realized that I was just working towards the requested scene in chapter 3. I figure you have limited time so I bit the bullet and skipped to the moment, but I think the downstairs action may warrant a good story of its own. :