Hello, All.

Wonderful discussion. I think, though, that those unfamiliar with the lifestyle having less-than-sparkling views on BDSM are getting a bad rap. Educated, forward thinking, liberal minded folks & ignorant, old-fashioned, conservative people alike can only base their opinions on what limited information they have experienced. It’s how the human brain works - we have a cognitive framework that allows us to organize, say, people into certain spots in our memory so that we will know how to react to them one we meet up with them again. So, if the only information they have ever heard about BDSM involves serial killers, child-murderers, underground sex-slavery, misogyny, abuse, & (non-consensual) torture, then they are bound to have a certain distaste. I would call those people “sick” myself.

The difference, however, is that I know that not ALL lifestylers are like that…I have experiences with & knowledge of a community made up of all types of people. As of yet, I haven’t seen any positive portrayals of BDSM outside of our own very closed off community. If you watch any widely publicized story, show, article, etc. involving any kind of BDSM, it’s depicted as something dark, sinister, deviant, & dangerous. Part of this, IMO, is because the media is all about selling the story. Sensationalism is the order of the day. (Come on - if they depicted a typical lifestyler’s days, it would be intolerably boring - & WOULD NOT SELL!) The other part - when looking at people who we (as a society) fear - killers, rapists, etc. - we will inherently look for something the “explains” why they are the way they are….Put these two factors together & you have those ignorant of what BDSM really means believing that someone’s interest in the lifestyle is the root of their evil actions. Thus, “those sick S&M people.”

I can’t blame them. & I am no more surprised at a psychologist believing this than a “lowly” working-class laborer...Whether or not some view you as more open-minded based on how many degrees you hold or how you earn your paycheck, it’s more equitable to realize that your socio-economic class or level of education will not prohibit you from holding prejudices based on what you have experienced. We’re all human with brains that work the same way…our cognitive frameworks will only change in response to new knowledge and encounters. That being said, on to the family issue…

I was deathly afraid of how they would react. They are all highly educated & intelligent, fairly traditional & relatively conservative, working-class & proud. We are an exceedingly close family (even when it comes to our sex lives), but I was afraid they may not accept what we were choosing. Not sharing somewhat about our lifestyle did not seem an option…especially since we are all building houses within shouting distance on a ranch. So, we had to tell my brother & sister (in-law) - that went smoothly. They may have been a bit surprised, but that soon gave way to open curiosity & hilariously entertaining chats about new things they might try. Sitting down with my mom to explain what was happening (we live 60 feet from them, so it’s not like she wouldn’t become aware) was a little more difficult. She was surprised that what she believed to be our views about feminism would jive with what she perceived would be a D/s lifestyle. After careful clarification on both of those things & assurances on safety measures, she is accepting & supportive. My father has simply added comments about spanking, etc. to his good-natured teasing. We never go into intricate details about what goes on in our respective bedrooms, but addressing some of the open changes in our relationship as we went D/s 24/7, along with a little bit of clarification on what BDSM is (for us, at least), gave them a different perspective on the lifestyle. They know we are successful, happy individuals who are in a loving relationship. This gave them a different experience of what a BDSMer looks like, so they don’t have to associate the lifestyle with heinous crimes or evil people. I guess we can only hope that more people will have the opportunity to become aware of more positive examples of BDSM…

As to the abuse perspective, I don’t buy it. Despite the high correlation of BDSMers also having been abuse victims, numbers show that just as many victims are NOT interested in the lifestyle. Abuse is unfortunately very common, but I don’t think it’s an “excuse” for being into BDSM. I was molested as a child by a neighbor girl for years, raped as a teen, & had a boyfriend force sex without respect to my reluctance, but I am very clear that this is not the “cause” of my kinks. I was having masochistic fantasies at a very young age - long before I understood what they meant & even before any abuse had occurred. I always volunteered to be the “captive” when playing cops & robbers - insisting on accuracy, so I HAD to be tied up & tormented. Without knowing what it was all about, I used to masturbate to the idea of being taken, enslaved & humiliated - all before age 10. As I got older, becoming more aware of sex in general, my fantasies became more sexualized & I, obviously, eventually made the connection between my childhood sex-play an my adult needs. The abuse I’ve suffered has nothing to do with my predilections. Reading through this thread & others on the topic, I guess I’m one of the fortunate ones…I no longer need an excuse or explanation for what I am & I don’t need the approval of others. It took me a while to get there, though, so I wish those who are struggling with it the best of luck. It’s a rough path, but very worth doing.

Be Well
SS