Hello all, I am Xan_in_chains herein, but Xan is fine. That's actually my name! XD
Anyway. I learned I was a sub about one year ago; I was discussing my at-the-time girlfriend's previous relationships which I learned had been of a bdsM inclination. I made a joke about it; the issue made me uncomfortable. And she said I was in deeper than I knew. I was initially slightly offended but we discussed it, reassessed and so forth, and sure enough it made sense-I was just used to giving her the responsibility in all spheres, obeyed her without question, and loved the comfort of obedience. So I suppose after a little soul-searching it became official and from that point it just improved since I could put a finger on it, and obviously new... 'elements' *cough* were introduced which were very enjoyable. Since then I've bottomed for her and a man, and I find that I enjoy both for different reasons. That is to say, whilst I do not identify as gay I'm comfortable with another man in that scenario because of the utter submission involved. Plus, being of fairly small-to-average stature a lot of guys are bigger than me so the sensation of helplessness is really augmented in a male-male scenario, which I especially enjoy. However, in my experience whilst a man has additional strength which is desirable my Lady was capable of greater finesse and subtlety. One can but judge based on his own experiences and so I tend to assume that these themes are consistent to a degree which might allow generalisation among Dom/mes. I have unfortunately been recently disowned by my Mistress; she tells me it isn't my fault, but I'm sure here is no place to whine. I'm not sure if it's a consistent theme among subs and perhaps unhealthy, but my adoration of her was and is absolute. Whereas many are those who have claimed they would do anything for the one they love, given the context that claim becomes rather more comprehensive, in my opinion. And it's left me... in a sense rather helpless. I imagine it is something of a personal failing on my part, but our arrangement was such that I traded personal responsibility down to sleeping arrangements, food (this is an area find especially difficult) and day-to-day tasks, for utter obedience and I enjoyed her praise and punishment equally; anything she saw me worthy of was a blessing. Thus, the responsibility of just going about my affairs autonomously just seems to horrify me. I spent some time throwing up that day, I'll concede. And now after two and a half years... Anyway I realise that I've gone off on some dreadful dirge and so will here conclude that I'm now 'free' in the worst sense, and so appear before you perhaps a shadow of a shadow, hoping to find support and hopefully the opportunity to serve once more. Good grief, how tremendously self-indulgent...

Xan