What do YOU get out of D/s?

[Haelix]

Does anyone else interview themselves in their cars on long drives?
So... here's the setup... you're on the morning radio show of your favorite station... and the hosts are interviewing you as someone that has 'lived the life' .. has been involved in that lurking evil.. that perverse carnival ride we all know and love. These people have only heard about Dominant/submissive relationships, and are probably misinformed, that we all wear leather (so 1990s.. latex is in! ...i dont know...) or think it's JUST about one person bossing and bullying around a poor beaten woman...

If you've never lived the D/s life, but you've thought about it.. pretend you HAVE lived the life and answer as if you have...

The On-Air light flashes, they turn to you after an obnoxious repetitive sound clip, swing the mic in your direction... introduce you on the air as "so-and-so, the Dom/Sub" and ask you a question...
"Apart from the obvious... sex/getting off... what do you get out of your D/s relationship? How has D/s bettered your life?"

... and... go!
<3Haelix

[Alex Bragi]

Wow! That's a very, very broad question, Haelix! Let me think on it.

[Dragon's muse]

*tapping the microphone* Is this thing on? *cringing at the feedback*
Well, Mr. Radio-talk-show-host, why ask that question about just D/s? What does a "normal" couple get out of their relationship? How does their "regular" relationship better their lives?

Just the existence of a not-quite-mainstream power dynamic doesn't make us any different that any other relationship.

i suspect there are as many answers to this as there are couples in the world.

For me, though, the D/s dynamic simply calms a part of my soul that is not quiet without it. i don't know why, and i don't really care why. i just know it works.

[JCorey]

For me a better question is: If you could live the lifestyle, how do you think it would impact your life?

Aside from the thrill of being involved with something so pervasive in my life...there would be one area of my life I would have as ours...no boss to remind me of a better way of doing it...freedom to explore new avenues without worrying about the social stigma associated with the lifestyle...and the pure power of total control over my sub.

[_ID_]

The answer is so complex I would need a mini-series on the subject. Please provide monetary compensation for what I am about to tell you.

[WyldWyl]

I think that the best part of it is the satisfaction of teaching and training another, particularly where that person needs assistance. For example, A and B are D and S. -chuckles at the alphabet soup-

For A, if A were I, the satisfaction comes from helping B grow and develop as a person, and from the bond that develops between them. At it's best, D/s should be a positive and nurturing thing for both parties, helping them love and learn. And you know, get their rocks off...that's important too.

[Ozme52]

The answer is so complex I would need a mini-series on the subject. Please provide monetary compensation for what I am about to tell you.

LMAO ID, that's what I was thinking.

Seriously, I can't answer that question... I'm hardly sure I know well enough to articulate it...

...and my time is worth more than they can afford.

[thrall]

Smiles.........

I get the "s" part.........

[yummy64]

The freedom to be myself. To be in a relationship with someone I fully trust and to know that he's guiding us in a path that will be positive for the both of us.

Its not easy to cede power, but in doing so a synergy is created that is strong and rewarding and provides a basis for a positive relationship based on a couples needs and wants.

[Sir_Russell]

First I would explain it is who I am and to not be that would be not to breath.

Second I would say that for me it is all about earning the trust of the sub, that I have found to be the the base of the thrill of this life at least for me.

I then would explain how big the life is and that no one is an expert in the Life. Then I would go on to explain that I base my life on 3 simple but oh so complex words.

Honor, each thing I do has to have honor to it whether it is nilla world or the Life, it is just what allows me to look at myself in the mirror and really like what I see (yes I am vain but not what I mean by this).

Pride my goal is to be able to take pride in all things I do, to be proud of my self since if you aren't proud of who you are not one else will be. I want my sub/slave to be proud of herself too and spend a lot of time and energy helping her to let that grow. Then I expect to be proud of her to my very core and strive to have her be proud of me, in other words each of us has great pride in owning the other.

Respect This is a byproduct of the other two but more, respect means that I know what that person will do will all ways be well thought out and I know in my heart that even if I don't agree with it I know that person feels it is for the best. My sub/slve should respect me hence the SM part of the life, I will have respect for her that would never let me do actual harm to her.

I hope that helps

[blythe spirit]

Oh, are you suppose to get something out of it? hehehehe

[_ID_]

Don't know if it's the ultimate form of love, but it's definitly a strong form of that emotion.

[Dragon's muse]

i'm not sure it is actually any stronger on a generic basis. It depends on the couple involved.

D/s meets the needs of some couples. Non-D/s meets the needs of others. There are people of both stripes who are incapable of forming anything resembling a stable relationship.

[UltimateMaster]

I like strong form of emotion IDCrewDawg, that's definitely true, but I honestly feel like it is more than that. I was really comparing it to vanilla which is typical. In a vanilla relationship there is a bond formed there sure, however, how much stronger is a bond involving the BDSM lifestyle? A hell of a lot more right? Every sense is heightened. And as you said, that means every form of emotion requires more from the D/s. If you truly ever embody the lifestyle, I can't think of any stronger bond that can be formed. Therefore, I feel that it is the ultimate form of love.

I think its the deepest connection you can make. Its as intimate as you can be with someone. The high intensity of a Good Dom and Sub couple and the growing evolution of their relationship is unparralle to anything I have ever experienced. Its like opening ever door in your soul and letting each other run around in the rooms and even fall asleep in them. Yes I agree it is the ultimate form of love.

[Dragon's muse]

Now wait a minute gang. The title of this thread is What do YOU get out of D/s? That's not debatable. I'm telling you how I feel. I've never met anyone that does it like I do it, not even a single soul on this site. Maybe if you lived in my world you would see it from my perspective. Maybe some do it simply as a kink. I do it as a way of being. Perhaps I should start another thread and just lay my thoughts on the line. Anyways, just telling it like it is for me. No hard feelings everyone. All opinions are valued here right?

No problems with you having an opinion. Just with you stating your opinion as a universal absolute, which is how it came across.

Namaste,
rose

[Sir_Russell]

To say the D/s is the ultimate of love would be correct but only for me and those like me. Others can not even believe it is love because it is so different then their needs.

Lets please remember we are different even in the Life, so the ultimate for one D/s couple is very different for another and most of us understand that so why is that any of us could say some nilla couple hasn't found their ultimate without any of our style of love and affection.

[sipgirl]

I have to agree with what someone previously stated...for me personally it is the ultimate gift. A way in which I can show my love for Him, knowing He loves me back and allowing Him to literally take my life into his hands. To give someone that much control that at times they own my very soul.....it can only be love for me. Devotion,commitment and submitting to Him are done because I love Him, they are the gifts that I give Him that no one else can and by giving these things to Him I in return am able to see His happiness and total love and devotion to me.I know its corny, but I would never submit myself to someone I didnt love, I couldnt.

[GreyJack]

one word: intensity.

[GearJammer]

Honor, Pride, and Respect, said Russell. Well said.

I would add only "Trust" (Perhaps THAT is part of the ultimate form of Love)

[Sir_Russell]

gearjammer,
It is my opinion that if you have Honor, Pride, and Respect for your Dom or sub then trust is there already as a by product of those three. Study those words for more then 40 years and I believe that.

Could you trust someone you don't Honor, respect and have pride in ?

[GearJammer]

gearjammer,
It is my opinion that if you have Honor, Pride, and Respect for your Dom or sub then trust is there already as a by product of those three. Study those words for more then 40 years and I believe that.

Could you trust someone you don't Honor, respect and have pride in ?

I disagree with your premise, and that from holding those concepts (I could care less about the words themselves without the concepts behind them) very near and dear for as long as I can remember in my 52 years on this earth.

Trust is not a byproduct, it is a necessary building block for them, and therefore, in my estimation, deserved mention.

It is possible, in my experience, to trust who you cannot honor, but it is not possible to honor who you do not trust, for example.

Past that, perhaps we differ only in semantics.

[Tojo]

gearjammer,
It is my opinion that if you have Honor, Pride, and Respect for your Dom or sub then trust is there already as a by product of those three.

Well maybe....

I personally find a D/s relationship is about connecting on a different level. When I ask a girl to just sit or stand quietly for me, it's a very powerful feeling.

My wife lives her own life, we have our times together, but I like her to be independant of me on the whole- within limits of course.

As for my girls, I feel a greater sense of controlling their lives- keeping them on what I see as the right path.

I support my wife, & am in control of our lives- but it's not the same as a D/s relationship.

[Polaris]

Picking up what GreyJack said...a while ago I wrote in a short story "People like us know no compromise. We only know intensity, and we find it in the darkest and the lightest corners of the human soul." BDSM for me is the ultimate intensity -- it is where the light and dark corners merge into something novel and overwhelming.

[TomOfSweden]

I can narrow it down. I get stressed out in relationships where I don't have absolute power. I get stressed out easily, so I like to have that bit removed. It's not that I'm lazy. I just like to be able to focus on the important bits, and in more equal relationships, maintaining the equality takes a lot of effort. I'd rather put my effort elsewhere. Most decisions in everyday life are arbitrary. Better to just have head taking those decisions. And since I'm by instinct thinking what's most practical for the whole group.... well .... if I wasn't in a D/s relationship, my needs get lost somewhere.

It's what works for me. I like to stick to stuff that works.

[gemmy]

there is a powerful enlightenment and liberation as such i don't think even gets touched upon in a vanilla relationship - this isn't boyfriend/gurlfriend games, it's serious and it's more in the mind than anywhere - everywhere a closed-minded vanilla wouldn't dare tread.

all those who would cast their judgemental eye upon us, without education, knowledge or experience, know not the powerful feelings involved for..

..the sub: the absolute release of guilt for what she needs and craves in His acceptance

or

..the Dom: the incredible rush of molding one so willing to Your will with her complete and utter love, trust, adoration and respect

just touches the tip of the iceberg of what this life and lifestyle hold

[icey]

im probably not going to be too popular here after this, but why is it that many people seem to have the need to idealise and romanticise D/s relationships?
yes trust respect honour pride etc is needed but its needed in vanilla relationships just as much.

as to the op's question my answer would simply be, it makes me happy and i hope yours does the same!

[gemmy]

im probably not going to be too popular here after this, but why is it that many people seem to have the need to idealise and romanticise D/s relationships?
yes trust respect honour pride etc is needed but its needed in vanilla relationships just as much.

as to the op's question my answer would simply be, it makes me happy and i hope yours does the same!

lol icey, i don't think it's a popularity contest *winks*

maybe for you, it is the norm and expected so no big deal, i don't know

for some of us who largely spent their lives going from one bad vanilla relationship to the next, not understanding why until we discovered and accepted a new lifestyle, it is romantic and ideal *smiles*

yes, one would hope for all those things (trust, respect, honour, pride) in a vanilla relationship but honestly how many achieve it?

the level of communication and honesty that is put into a D/s relationship i think (my own opinion of course), goes beyond what we feel safe enough to let go otherwise

take from that what you will, but for me, there is nothing blazea about it and taking happiness in being able to share that with others is even better

gem,
xo

[icey]

i dont think its blaise at all , its great when people are happy and are able to share that happiness with others, and i think its very important to be able to talk with and share both the good and the bad with likeminded people.

but when people idealise everything i genuinely dont understand why? ive known of D/s couples lasting 20 mths and vanillas lasting 20 yrs and vice versa....all that matters is that people are happy.

and i understand about bad vanilla relationships mastersgem i was only too glad to get out of those

[gemmy]

*smiles to icey* thank you for correcting that spelling (blaise) damn, i knew it was wrong but couldn't get it in my head no matter how i tried lol

and yes, i do know what you about the vice versa *winks*

gem,
xo

[Polaris]

I think it's not so much about idealising anything...every relationship has its up- and downsides, they might differ a bit, but they are definitely there. If you ask a vanilla person what they get out of their relationship, they will probably idealise it too...they'd probably say the feeling of being loved, of having somebody to care for and somebody who cares for them, having somebody to rely on, etcetc. If you ask me "what do you get out of BDSM" the first things that spring to my mind are naturally not the frustrations and disappointments, the times it simply does not work or when life intrudes, or when I'm just plain outright unhappy with whatever relationship I'm having at that time.

I do think, however, that BDSM relationships differ from vanilla relationships in the level of trust and communication involved. Both, I believe, are assets most important, even intrinsic to BDSM relationships -- and whereas these are certainly good things to have in vanilla relationships, it's not something AS essential...you can do without these extremely high communication and trust levels, simply because you'll never find yourself in a situation where you have to trust as absolutely, or where it is so important to communicate your thoughts and feelings. But sheesh, I went on a tangent here, didn't I?