This could be an excellent story. Just a shade more attention to grammar, formatting, cutting down on the wordiness, and eliminating the run-on sentences would help a great deal.

As previously mentioned, each line of dialogue should be given its own paragraph. A space between the paragraphs decreases that feeling of a massive wall of text coming at you and improves readibility on the screen.

Good first effort.

Regards,
rose
Writers Block Level I Mentor/Tutor