Level Three-tessa's 3rd Assignment

[tessa]

Ahhhh. Story abuse from Mr. Dean. ~shivers from head to toe and sighs deeply~ Mmmm. I think I just came.

~sweet smile~

Well, you have my attention.

My entire reason for being, Mr. Dean.

There are a few technical gaffes I am sure were already bitched about by others of my ilk.

No one in this universe is of that. Now, I leave it to you to decide if I made that statement with this expression

Or this one

Or this one

Hee hee.

This was clumsy.

Not just that part. Most of the story was clumsy. I wrote it in fifteen minutes and posted immediately. Shame on me, I know. But I was restless and wanted to post something. I'm working on it. Your words here are helping me realize the finished product.

I tend to enjoy certain adjectives that offset the violence that goes on. Doing so tends to bring the violence a little more sharpness. In essence - her hair could have been carefully or gently braided. Contrasts like that can really liven things.

I love this idea! Many grateful thanks for passing it along to me.

Was she a chick or a girl? The main description of her is disrespectul. "Girl" is more respectful and doesn't quite fit. Though, my first reaction was "yeah, boy!"

"Chick" or "girl"- whatever, she's a nothing. I'll keep the proper moniker usage in mind during the re-write.

you missed a chance for him to admire the similarities of the beaded water running down the long neck bottle and the girl's own drool. No, I am not complaining. I liked this. But you sure did miss a good opportunity.

That's what do-overs are all about- finding missed opportunities and grabbing them up. Thanks for tossing this one out for me to find.

...give me a climax to this sentence to set up the rest of the paragraph. Get my cock hard with description.

Now you know that every time I try doing that, you just laugh at me. Why just the other day...what?? You mean do that by using descriptive words in my story?? Ohhhh!!

Oh.

I really liked this. The only thing is that, the manner this story was told I can see him giving a chuckle of "I told ya so". I have been needing more of his reactions - physical - to what was going on.

The last part of this was a bit ungainly - "instantly made his dick rock hard" would be my suggestion. This whole paragraph worked, though I think you can spruce it up. The imagery is right but it's not quite what it could be - what I have seen you to be capable of.

It's ideas like this that help. I wrote this from the perspective of a man, but... ~strikes a very sexy pose while slowly sliding my hands down the front of my body~ ...as you can obviously see, I'm not one. All your male-fueled comments sure do help a girl like me.

I gotta give you a Steve McQueen grimace of disapproval for that one.

Just makes you look more sexy and yummy is all.

Anyhow, this was a good read with a nice twist.

You know how much I appreciate you taking the time to critique my offering. I'll shower you with gratitude next time I "bump" into you. ~lil hug~

tessa