Level Three-tessa's 3rd Assignment

[tessa]

Write about punishment, and make it hot. Well, Ms. Ruby, not sure how well I did on either count, but here it is nonetheless.

Oh, and thanks to Alex Bragi for inspiring the idea. The idea of shiny, phallic-shaped trophies are to blame.
******************************************

Price of Admission

She couldn’t take anymore. Could she?

Obviously, the person raping that cute blonde’s throat thought she was capable of more. Jake just shrugged his big shoulders, and with a slight smile, took another long drink of his beer, all while keeping his eyes on the blonde kneeling on the floor- the one getting the hell fucked out of her mouth. He’d been waiting three months for this to happen and he wasn’t about to miss one part of it.

Actually, the blonde was on an elevated platform, and at the perfect level for taking complete advantage of a warm, wet mouth. Jake took a second or two to study her positioning. She was tied in a way that allowed access to every orifice, should anyone take the notion. But at the moment, only one had a notion. A stray thought ambled across his mind about the availability of her ass, but tandem action, though a great deal of visual pleasure, just really wasn’t his thing. Jake took notice of her breasts, which were the perfect size and shape to his mind. And the way those nipple clamps were attached to the platform made it agony for the chick when someone pulled her torso up by the rope that was braided through her hair.

That girl was tied down and tied up, all of it tight and right.

Her mouth was being kept nicely open by the ring gag. Even if she wanted to close it, and Jake was sure she probably did, she wouldn’t be able to. Jake gave a silent toast to the inventor of that particular gag before taking another drink from his long neck. Speaking of necks, the saliva ran freely down the girl’s chin and neck as the cock stabbed savagely in and out of her mouth. The sounds coming from her mouth were exquisite and pleasing to his ear, but then again, Jake had always preferred the sounds of a trapped victim. Her lips were already bruised, he could see, and a thin trickle of blood trailed its way down from the corner of her mouth- like a tear streak, but crimson and perfectly out of place.

The girl's ravager grabbed hold of the her head, steadying that pretty little face. If Jake had to guess, that cute blonde was in for the throat fucking of a lifetime. When the cock rammed down her throat the first time, making that blonde slut gag mightily, he knew he was guessing true.

It was sheer delight to watch the panic enter those blue eyes when the girl realized she couldn’t breathe, to see the tears start to roll down her face. But most of all, it was poetry in form to observe that gorgeous female form convulse with gagging heaves. Jake couldn’t stop the groan that surfaced. Just the thought of a tight, gag-induced throat constricting on his shaft made his dick rock hard in an instant.

He watched, mesmerized, as over and over, that big cock penetrated into that gaping mouth, pushing down past the back of the throat, cutting off her air supply. The war for air the victim waged with her attacker created such an electrifying eroticism for Jake, held him captive as it were, and was so powerfully riveting, that he failed to notice that the throat-fuckee had passed out. Only when the cock slid completely out of the girl’s slack-jawed mouth did some of his awareness return to him. Along with some fierce frustration.

“Fucking bitch,” he muttered. “Could’ve made it last ‘til I shot my load.”

He motioned for the waiter to bring his tab. As he waited, his beautiful slut walked towards him, her strap-on cock still glistening from the leavings of the blonde’s mouth. When she stopped beside him, Jake stroked her cheek as she gazed adoringly at him.

“See? Sometimes punishment is best served cold. Had I commanded you do this three months ago when you made that dreadful mistake, you might have been too overwhelmed to enjoy it. When we watch the recording of it together later, I’ll point out to you just how much you enjoyed it.” He watched as she mentally recoiled from the idea, saw the blush creep up her neck and tinge her beautiful face a lovely shade of red. Really, she was making it too easy for him.

“I know how humiliated you feel for deriving any pleasure from this act, but this punishment was well-deserved. Plus, you served me well in the doing of it. Truly, it was a stellar show, baby. I’m proud of you for being so enthusiastic about your involvement in it. Like I said, you will see what I mean when we view the playback.” He chuckled low when she blushed again.

“However, I would have been much better served had the bitch lasted a few moments longer. This infraction will most decidedly make the list.” The calculated look he gave his slave left no doubt that some form of harsh punishment would again be hers in the near future.

Jake pointed towards the overly large strap-on his slave wore. “Take that thing off now. You won’t be needing it anymore tonight.” His evil smile had her staring at him a moment longer than allowable, lost in the wonder of what he was thinking. Jake didn’t prolong her misery.

“However, since your next punishment will be more immediate, you best go retrieve the ring gag. You will be needing that later.”
************************************************** **

(C) 2007 tessa All rights reserved

[ThisYouWillDo]

That's a great description of the poor girl's predicament and the guy's enjoyment of it. High marks for that, I'm sure.

I hope you don't mind me picking on this assignment to try out my critical skills for the first time, but Ruby wants me to participate here, and then you posted ...

But if you think it's drivel, ignore it.

The ending came as a surprise, as you intended, and, for me it works well. But not perfectly well. I do think you can improve on it. I have rewritten this paragraph several times. I can't explain why I am not quite happy about it, but somehow, even after we realise that it was Jake's female slave giving the blonde a throat-fuck, I didn't think back and slap my forehead, saying, "Of course!"

I'm curious about the cause of the slave's punishment, but I suppose I must live with that. Was the blonde bitch being punished for something too, or had she simply been made available?

Finally, the injustice of the slave's second punishment: I think more could be made of that, even if only in the slave's acceptance of it.



A few more comments - apologies, the first's a niggle - but here goes:

though a great deal of fun to visually feast upon

I'm a member of the Split Infinitive Police, and you're nicked!

That girl was tied down and tied up, all of it tight and right.

Not a niggle: I liked it. I also liked the phrase perfectly out of place.

The individual doing the deed

I felt this was a bit awkward, and drew attention to the fact that you hadn't called the individual a man. Especially as the earlier reference was to a person. Too neutral ... suspicious. What about something like Her ravager ... ? You're still thinking "man" in that case. I also think you could have put this in earlier, because we know she's getting the mother of all face-fucks at this point.

The war for air

Another little gem!

... along with some frustration.

This almost slips past unnoticed, but it needs to be seen. I would have put a full stop after "return to him" and made it a stand-alone phrase.

He motioned for the waiter to bring his tab. As he waited, his beautiful slut walked towards him, her strap-on cock still glistening from the leavings of the blonde’s mouth. When she stopped beside him, Jake stroked her cheek as she gazed adoringly up at him.

Is Jake tall, or is she short? Or did she kneel?


Finally, I did enjoy the story as you wrote it very much. Forgive me if my comments are out-of-turn or excessive in any way. They're intended to be constructive for you and educational for me. However, if a corrective is needed, I'm sure Ruby'll provide it.

TYWD

[tessa]

Your comments are in no way out of turn, ThisYouWillDo, and I appreciate them greatly! Wow. Very constructive and helpful! These comments help me think my story to a better place. I am indeed grateful.

"Her ravager..." Thank you for that! If you knew how long I sat and stared at that 'puter screen trying to think of another word besides "individual", you'd laugh at me. Well, I guess you do know now, so laugh away. This will help me lots, so my thanks again for being such a grand thesaurus on this one.

The ending- guilty as charged. I could have taken more time to work that out, but didn't. Impatience and eagerness win out over thoughtful consideration again. ~sighs~ Re-working the ending, well, this I will do. ~smiles at my slightly punny cleverness~

And about points of view, Ms. Ruby instructions stated that I was to take the Dom's or sub's perspective. I chose the Dom. He seemed to be having the most fun at the moment. I'm toying with the idea of writing this same stroy from his slave's perspective. Perhaps when time allows...

Seriously, I do appreciate your time on this. I know what it takes and it means so much to me that you did this.

tessa

[Mad Lews]

tessa,

Not sure how Ms Ruby will take it but I liked it. TYWD pointed out quite a few verbal gems and you do seem to be developing a way with words.
"The individual doing the deed," was indeed giving it away a bit and any number of descriptive alternatives are available.

Now to the plot twist. Your readers are going to have one of two reactions, (maybe both) either "Wow that was clever!", or ""The bitch is trying to make a fool of me!" you probably are aiming for the first and not so much for the second.
You've handled transitions well throughout the story so maybe you want to be extra clever on the final important one.

Only when the cock slid completely out of the girl’s slack-jawed mouth did some of his awareness return to him, along with some frustration.

“Fucking bitch,” he muttered. “Could’ve made it last ‘til I shot my load.” Ok at this point your reader knows he's mumbling to the passed out victim, but is he really?

He motioned for the waiter to bring his tab. As he waited, his beautiful slut walked towards him,Before you put that swinging plastic dick on his sub why don't you throw another quote in, this time leaving no doubt he's addressing his sub. Have him berate her for not making the show last long enough for him to get off.
Now your reader is a bit confused still thinking his sub was the victim but bits of the scene are not adding up. It's sort of a subtle warning before the plot twist

Still need to do the transition, place that dildo on his girl,not in her, but do it with a clever turn of phrase that leaves the reader saying"Of course" instead of "What the fuck?"
her strap-on cock still glistening from the leavings of the blonde’s mouth. When she stopped beside him, Jake stroked her cheek as she gazed adoringly up at him.

[Ruby]

Tessa,

This is a gem of a story. You linger so much on the fine detail, his perspective, I'm right there with him.

You have two surprises for the reader.
One that a girl is ravaging the victim
and two that the girl belongs to the male lead.

Interesting, ambitious and delightful!

I felt a bit cheated at the end. Too much was hinted at, but not solved. What on Earth was that man rambling about?

Why was that girl being punished and didn't anyone care that she's passed out? What type of place was this?

And so on.

Here's a few more suggestions:

Price of Admission (Partial Story)

Obviously, the person raping that cute blonde’s throat thought she was capable of more.

How about?

Obviously, the rapist of that cute blonde’s throat thought she was capable of more.

Jake just shrugged his big shoulders, and with a slight smile, took another long drink of his beer, all while keeping his eyes on the blonde kneeling on the floor- the one getting the hell fucked out of her mouth.

That's a BIG sentence! I like it. the - can be a comma.

He’d been waiting three months for this to happen and he wasn’t about to miss one part of it.

Actually, the blonde was on an elevated platform, and at the perfect level for taking complete advantage of a warm, wet mouth.

Whoa! The transition here is missing or these sentences are out of place. You can tell the reader what happened, why he was waiting, or you can use the "actually, sentence lower in the paragraph, and start out with his action of studying the scene.

Jake took a second or two to study her positioning. She was tied in a way that allowed access to every orifice, should anyone take the notion. But at the moment, only one had a notion.

Start new paragraph here.

A stray thought ambled across his mind about the availability of her ass, ...

Her mouth was being kept nicely open by the ring gag. Even if she wanted to close it, and Jake was sure she probably did, she wouldn’t be able to do so.

Jake gave a silent toast to the inventor of that particular gag before taking another drink from his long neck.

[COLOR="deepskyblue"]His long neck what? Jake has a long neck? In his perspective he's thinking about it?COLOR]

Speaking of necks, ... And Ruby gets very, very sidetracked reading, nodding her head and thinking, "Whew! This is hot!"...

“Fucking bitch,” he muttered. “Could’ve made it last ‘til I shot my load.”

Okay, I figured he meant the one who passed out.

He motioned for the waiter to bring his tab. As he waited, his beautiful slut walked towards him, her strap-on cock still glistening from the leavings of the blonde’s mouth. When she stopped beside him, Jake stroked her cheek as she gazed adoringly at him.

And now it's blah, blah, blah. What is he talking about? How did she mentally recoil - what did she do before she blushed? What is too easy for him? Really, the story could have ended here with a few words, but instead, we are drawn deeper into this character, but not given enough information. It's here that I feel cheated. If he'd just said something like, "well done, or good job" and hinted at her reward, I would have been fine. Instead, she's going to be punished and I want to know more.

...

“However, I would have been much better served had the bitch lasted a few moments longer. This infraction will most decidedly make the list.” The calculated look he gave his slave left no doubt that some form of harsh punishment would again be hers in the near future.

POV nit alert: "calculated look" is like shrugging his "big shoulders". Is that from his POV? Not as written. It's tricky, cause it's really more from an OMNI POV, unless it's something like, He hoped the calcalated look he gave his slave would leave no doubt...

Jake pointed towards the overly large strap-on his slave wore. “Take that thing off now. You won’t be needing it anymore tonight.” His evil smile had her staring at him a moment longer than allowable, lost in the wonder of what he was thinking. Jake didn’t prolong her misery.

“However, since your next punishment will be more immediate, you best go retrieve the ring gag. You will be needing that later.”

WHAT? The ring gag is his? Now really, what's up?
************************************************** **

(C) 2007 tessa All rights reserved

And about points of view, Ms. Ruby instructions stated that I was to take the Dom's or sub's perspective. I chose the Dom. He seemed to be having the most fun at the moment. I'm toying with the idea of writing this same stroy from his slave's perspective. Perhaps when time allows...

Writing from either the slave's or the blond's perspective is your next assignment, after you refresh and are through with this story!

Looking forward to the next version.

Keep up the great work,

Ruby

[tessa]

Thanks for the input, Mr. Mad (and Lews). I took furious notes and will be reviewing them as soon as time allows. Then when more time allows, I will apply your useful criticisms where noted.

Ms. Ruby, I will be re-working the details and making improvements to my story. Thank you so much for the suggestions and ideas you've given me here to help my writer's cause. ~hugs~

tessa

ps. He wasn't muttering to the passed out victim, not in my version at least. Interesting that you both thought he was. I'll work to clarify that as well.

[Playfulsub]

Very well done, Tessa. I do agree with some of the others' comments, especially about the ending. I was also unsure about who was being punished. I'll not add my comments about those here since that would be redundant.

I can say that I can't wait to see what you do with it. Hot!

[tessa]

Thank you, playfulsub for your lovely comments. I really appreciate them so much!

Re-reading through all the comments and taking my cues for the re-write. Thanks everyone...again.

tessa

ps. Sorry for the previous font color. It was used during the old color scheme. It worked for that.

[H Dean]

******************************************

Price of Admission

She couldn’t take anymore. Could she?

Obviously, the person raping that cute blonde’s throat thought she was capable of more. Jake just shrugged his big shoulders, and with a slight smile, took another long drink of his beer, all while keeping his eyes on the blonde kneeling on the floor- the one getting the hell fucked out of her mouth. He’d been waiting three months for this to happen and he wasn’t about to miss one part of it.

Well, you have my attention. Get rid of "just", though.

Actually, the blonde was on an elevated platform, and at the perfect level for taking complete advantage of a warm, wet mouth. Jake took a second or two to study her positioning. She was tied in a way that allowed access to every orifice, should anyone take the notion. But at the moment, only one had a notion. A stray thought ambled across his mind about the availability of her ass, but tandem action, though a great deal of visual pleasure, just really wasn’t his thing.

Get rid of "but" and change "a" to "the". There are a few technical gaffes I am sure were already bitched about by others of my ilk.

Jake took notice of her breasts, which were the perfect size and shape to his mind. And the way those nipple clamps were attached to the platform made it agony for the chick when someone pulled her torso up by the rope that was braided through her hair.

This was clumsy. The first sentence sort of peters out and the second sentence starts with "and" but should be attached to the first sentence. The rope braided in her hair could have been better said. I tend to enjoy certain adjectives that offset the violence that goes on. Doing so tends to bring the violence a little more sharpness. In essence - her hair could have been carefully or gently braided. Contrasts like that can really liven things. Also, "that was" is completely unecessary.

That girl was tied down and tied up, all of it tight and right.

Was she a chick or a girl? The main description of her is disrespectul. "Girl" is more respectful and doesn't quite fit. Though, my first reaction was "yeah, boy!"

Her mouth was being kept nicely open by the ring gag. Even if she wanted to close it, and Jake was sure she probably did, she wouldn’t be able to.

This is one of those sentences that could have packed more punch. I would have started it with "A ring-gag" and gone on from there, describing how her "gaping maw" was ready for use. I think the notion of this story calls for more impact that you are tending towards.

Jake gave a silent toast to the inventor of that particular gag before taking another drink from his long neck. Speaking of necks, the saliva ran freely down the girl’s chin and neck as the cock stabbed savagely in and out of her mouth.

So much about Jake but nothing about whether he was enjoying the saliva running down her neck? By the way, I did like the juxtaposition of "necks". It was rather amusing, though you missed a chance for him to admire the similarities of the beaded water running down the long neck bottle and the girl's own drool. No, I am not complaining. I liked this. But you sure did miss a good opportunity.

The sounds coming from her mouth were exquisite and pleasing to his ear, but then again, Jake had always preferred the sounds of a trapped victim. Her lips were already bruised, he could see, and a thin trickle of blood trailed its way down from the corner of her mouth- like a tear streak, but crimson and perfectly out of place.

"Perfectly out of place" - that rocked.

The girl's ravager grabbed hold of the her head, steadying that pretty little face.

Give me something here - an apparent reason, how she held the face...give me a climax to this sentence to set up the rest of the paragraph. Get my cock hard with description.

If Jake had to guess, that cute blonde was in for the throat fucking of a lifetime. When the cock rammed down her throat the first time, making that blonde slut gag mightily, he knew he was guessing true.

I really liked this. The only thing is that, the manner this story was told I can see him giving a chuckle of "I told ya so". I have been needing more of his reactions - physical - to what was going on.

It was sheer delight to watch the panic enter those blue eyes when the girl realized she couldn’t breathe, to see the tears start to roll down her face. But most of all, it was poetry in form to observe that gorgeous female form convulse with gagging heaves. Jake couldn’t stop the groan that surfaced. Just the thought of a tight, gag-induced throat constricting on his shaft made his dick rock hard in an instant.

The last part of this was a bit ungainly - "instantly made his dick rock hard" would be my suggestion. This whole paragraph worked, though I think you can spruce it up. The imagery is right but it's not quite what it could be - what I have seen you to be capable of.

He watched, mesmerized, as over and over, that big cock penetrated into that gaping mouth, pushing down past the back of the throat, cutting off her air supply.

I would start this with "Mesmerized, he watched", mostly because mesmerized is such a good word - far more active than "he watched". Also, ask the grammar Nazi if there are commas in wrong places. I think there might be. Psst...grammar Nazi?

The war for air the victim waged with her attacker created such an electrifying eroticism for Jake, held him captive as it were, and was so powerfully riveting, that he failed to notice that the throat-fuckee had passed out.

You had me up to "fuckee". I would have used something like "hapless victim" or some such. Um, "fuckee" - I gotta give you a Steve McQueen grimace of disapproval for that one.

Only when the cock slid completely out of the girl’s slack-jawed mouth did some of his awareness return to him. Along with some fierce frustration.

Fix this - the second sentence shouldn't be on its own.

“Fucking bitch,” he muttered. “Could’ve made it last ‘til I shot my load.”

He motioned for the waiter to bring his tab. As he waited, his beautiful slut walked towards him, her strap-on cock still glistening from the leavings of the blonde’s mouth. When she stopped beside him, Jake stroked her cheek as she gazed adoringly at him.

Nice little surprise. Well put.

“See? Sometimes punishment is best served cold. Had I commanded you do this three months ago when you made that dreadful mistake, you might have been too overwhelmed to enjoy it. When we watch the recording of it together later, I’ll point out to you just how much you enjoyed it.” He watched as she mentally recoiled from the idea, saw the blush creep up her neck and tinge her beautiful face a lovely shade of red. Really, she was making it too easy for him.

“I know how humiliated you feel for deriving any pleasure from this act, but this punishment was well-deserved. Plus, you served me well in the doing of it. Truly, it was a stellar show, baby. I’m proud of you for being so enthusiastic about your involvement in it. Like I said, you will see what I mean when we view the playback.” He chuckled low when she blushed again.

“However, I would have been much better served had the bitch lasted a few moments longer. This infraction will most decidedly make the list.” The calculated look he gave his slave left no doubt that some form of harsh punishment would again be hers in the near future.

Jake pointed towards the overly large strap-on his slave wore. “Take that thing off now. You won’t be needing it anymore tonight.” His evil smile had her staring at him a moment longer than allowable, lost in the wonder of what he was thinking. Jake didn’t prolong her misery.

“However, since your next punishment will be more immediate, you best go retrieve the ring gag. You will be needing that later.”

Good stuff, Tessa. I am sure the grammar Nazi's nailed your ass on some gaffes - some commas in the wrong places, shit like that. They are bastards that way. I don't really point those things out because I am nice.

The style you told this in was light and airy, sounding amused at the situation. A bit more levity in the writing would have really helped that along. Anyhow, this was a good read with a nice twist.

[tessa]

Ahhhh. Story abuse from Mr. Dean. ~shivers from head to toe and sighs deeply~ Mmmm. I think I just came.

~sweet smile~

Well, you have my attention.

My entire reason for being, Mr. Dean.

There are a few technical gaffes I am sure were already bitched about by others of my ilk.

No one in this universe is of that. Now, I leave it to you to decide if I made that statement with this expression

Or this one

Or this one

Hee hee.

This was clumsy.

Not just that part. Most of the story was clumsy. I wrote it in fifteen minutes and posted immediately. Shame on me, I know. But I was restless and wanted to post something. I'm working on it. Your words here are helping me realize the finished product.

I tend to enjoy certain adjectives that offset the violence that goes on. Doing so tends to bring the violence a little more sharpness. In essence - her hair could have been carefully or gently braided. Contrasts like that can really liven things.

I love this idea! Many grateful thanks for passing it along to me.

Was she a chick or a girl? The main description of her is disrespectul. "Girl" is more respectful and doesn't quite fit. Though, my first reaction was "yeah, boy!"

"Chick" or "girl"- whatever, she's a nothing. I'll keep the proper moniker usage in mind during the re-write.

you missed a chance for him to admire the similarities of the beaded water running down the long neck bottle and the girl's own drool. No, I am not complaining. I liked this. But you sure did miss a good opportunity.

That's what do-overs are all about- finding missed opportunities and grabbing them up. Thanks for tossing this one out for me to find.

...give me a climax to this sentence to set up the rest of the paragraph. Get my cock hard with description.

Now you know that every time I try doing that, you just laugh at me. Why just the other day...what?? You mean do that by using descriptive words in my story?? Ohhhh!!

Oh.

I really liked this. The only thing is that, the manner this story was told I can see him giving a chuckle of "I told ya so". I have been needing more of his reactions - physical - to what was going on.

The last part of this was a bit ungainly - "instantly made his dick rock hard" would be my suggestion. This whole paragraph worked, though I think you can spruce it up. The imagery is right but it's not quite what it could be - what I have seen you to be capable of.

It's ideas like this that help. I wrote this from the perspective of a man, but... ~strikes a very sexy pose while slowly sliding my hands down the front of my body~ ...as you can obviously see, I'm not one. All your male-fueled comments sure do help a girl like me.

I gotta give you a Steve McQueen grimace of disapproval for that one.

Just makes you look more sexy and yummy is all.

Anyhow, this was a good read with a nice twist.

You know how much I appreciate you taking the time to critique my offering. I'll shower you with gratitude next time I "bump" into you. ~lil hug~

tessa

[H Dean]

Bump me, baby!

[tessa]

Bump me, baby!

~walks up to Mr. Dean, eyes him from head to toe before smiling up into his eyes~

If I do that, it might lead to other, umm...things. It could get messy and clean-up is a bitch.

Unlike me. 'Cause I'm sweet as sugar.

[H Dean]

I am not worried about the clean up. That's your job.

[tessa]

I am not worried about the clean up. That's your job.

It's cute how you think that's true.