I have? I’m so glad!” I exclaimed happily. “Are we going to my room? Won’t we start to live together now that we’re married? I won’t always be your captive will I?” I said in a teasing way.

He stopped as if I had stuck him. He looked at me. His face told me that things were somehow terribly wrong. I began to back away from him.

“What? What’s wrong?” I asked frightened.

“We loved each other for a while didn’t we?” He said so softly, I could barely hear him.

I felt and heard my heart beating wildly in my ears, spikes of fear again started going through me.

“We love each other now.” I pleaded. “I love you, don’t you love me?” My eyes were filling up with tears now.

“Yes, of course my heart.” He reassured me but I could tell something was still off.

“But?” I asked. My voice sounded a bit shill in my own ears.

“There are no buts, not really, it’s just, well, you have to go back soon.” He said.

“Why?” I asked starting to cry. I was still backing away from him.

“Don’t do this.” He said. His voice was tight with control. His fists clenched.

“I will always love you. I just can’t keep you. I don’t even think it’s the right thing for you anyway.”

“How can you say that?”

“You like it when I hurt you.”

“Yes.” I whispered coloring. I wasn’t comfortable with that part of myself. I hated admitting it but maybe if I did, he would see. He’d see that I needed him. If he could see how much I needed him to fuck me and hurt me then all of this talk about going back would go away.

“I don’t like hurting people. Not physically anyway. I’ve done things with you I’m not comfortable with. You need more. I can’t give it to you. If you think about it you’ll know what I’m saying is true. You crave more.”

“No!” I was sobbing now. I don’t know where the cheese and the banana went but my hands were empty.

“Yes my dear. You need to be hurt, your soul cries out of it. I’m going to let you have it. You have to trust me. I will be keeping an eye on you. Perhaps someday we can even be together again if your needs and mine match better.” He said this sounding so fucking reasonable I wanted to kill him.

“We are married! You said you loved me!” I begged him to acknowledge these things.

“Our marriage wasn’t legal, surely you realize that but...” He began.

I flew at him then. I hit him then began scratching at him. I wanted blood and I got it. I ran past him blind from the tears and emotions. I was such a fool. How had I become such a fool? How did my life become this?

I don’t know how long I ran but eventually I found myself in a hall. It had gold gilt framed portraits with little lights above each one. I stopped and looked at them. Something about them seemed to call to me. I dried the tears on my face, chin and neck with my hands. I took a closer look.

Each was of a young girl. All of them looked sweet and fresh. Why did they call to me so?

Ian’s right hand man, the one who’d bought me at the auction was suddenly there.

“Beautiful aren’t they?” He said smiling at me.

“Yes.” I agreed feeling strangely calm. I didn’t smile back at him. I didn’t trust him. I hated everyone even myself at that moment.

“Your portrait will go up here soon.” He said still smiling.

“Why?”

“Because this is his way of remembering the girls he’s taken, the one’s he’s bought. He cherishes each one of you. Once they give him what he wants, they go back of course just as you will, but he never forgets them. Each of them is special in their own way.” The man told me smoothly.

I felt utterly defeated. The adrenaline had drained away.

“You’ve been bad you know. Hurting him that way. He only loved you.” He continued. He made a tisking noise at me.

I felt horrible. My new world, the one I had so wanted was falling down around my ears. I went with him back to my room. I wanted to make sure even after all this that Ian was okay.

When we got to my room though Ian wasn’t there. I turned to ask his man if he was okay but the door shut in my face.

I pounded on the door with my hands.

“Just tell me if he is okay!” I screamed. I got no answer.

I was numb now, feeling as if I were a condemned prisoner waiting to be taken for execution. As the day went on each moment felt like an oh slow so ticking off of my day alone, I found myself becoming more outraged.

Eventually I stood in front of one of the cameras and begged for Ian to come to me. I wanted to make sure he was okay. I wanted to make things up to him. I loved him. I wasn’t the sort of girl who can love one minute and hate the next no matter how betrayed, stupid or hurt I felt.

I had an idea. I decided to masturbate. Ian had said before that if I did that to orgasm he would come spank me. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be spanked now but I did want his attention. I did want to see him. So far any pain he’d caused me had felt good to me. He was right that I had craved more of it, at least physical pain. The pain in my heart, I never wanted and did not relish.

I called to him. Telling him what I was doing. Blatantly I masturbated for him to see, hoping to prod him. He never said anything to me. He didn’t come to punish me either but then I found I was getting no enjoyment at all from masturbating. In the past I’d had some enjoyment but never quite enough to climax. This time it was like my body was dead. I felt nothing at all. There was no way I could come. I imagined Ian watching and laughing at me. My rage grew.

When I was in the bathroom, cleaning up and washing my face again, food was delivered. I didn’t see it come. I guess they planned it that way. I felt so manipulated. I felt like a tiger caged and watched. It was like they expected me to do something but what could I do? My stomach had been growling more as the day went on so I tried to eat though I didn’t really want to.

The food and drink, which I knew to be excellent, tasted bland to me. I was just too miserable to enjoy anything-even dishes I’d loved before. I soon gave up. I sat at the table, and stared at the single candle on the table. I imagined Ian there across from me, as he’d been so many nights. How I wanted that to be the case. The happy memories brought a bitter smile to my face. These musing occupied me for a short while I think though I’m not sure how long. Time had no meaning for me it only measured my dread and rage now.

I picked up the candle from the table. I took it around the room, lighting all the candles making my room blaze with what should have been romantic light. Of course that too seemed different.

I pulled all the clothes out of my closet. I threw them on the floor in a huge messy pile and raged.

“I won’t go back Ian! Do you hear me?” I screamed. “I love you! You said you love me! I won’t go back! Please don’t make me!” I began to cry again.

Slowly thoughts clicked in my head. I wouldn’t be controlled anymore. Not by Ian or anyone. I took some of the hot wax and dripped it on my fingers. It burned a little but at least I could feel that. I liked it. I went and filled the camera lenses all around the room with the wax. They couldn’t watch me now. What they could see would be distorted and useless.

I no longer screamed or cried. He couldn’t see really me now. He didn’t care anyway. No matter what he’d said, he couldn’t care if he’d send me back there. If he wouldn’t keep me, there was no way he cared was there? No there wasn’t, I decided. I continued thinking furiously about everything that had happened. My heart was broken. I wanted to simply die. If he didn’t care then I didn’t either.

I took the bed coverings and added them to the pile. I don’t know what I was thinking at that point exactly but I do know what I did. I took a candle and lit the pile of cloth. I tore my rooms apart in a rage. I did all of that quickly I think. The flames leaped up and licked at the ceiling.

I lay down beside the blaze exhausted. I lay there as if I were at a spirit bonfire or camping outdoors. I think I’d gone a little mad. I took in the fumes and warmth from the fire I’d made. I watched it grow more and more beautiful.

The flames twisted and danced for me. I remember coughing some too. I succumbed to darkness after that. That might seem strange to go from those bright flames to the absolute black of some null space. If you think about it though, that is the way of things. Heat follows cold and vice versa, whatever you want is never there no matter how tightly you hold on to it. I had come to understand that is some ways.

The sweet pure nothingness was soothing even though it was nothing. It was a place with no more pain. I was safe in that void, I was safe from everything because I didn’t exist anymore.