Right, Razor - brace yourself. TYWD's gonna critique you.

I enjoyed the story, and I liked the way it moved along, even though the story was broken by shifting from one day's notes to the next. That was part of the style, and it worked for me. It wasn't really meandering or off the point as you suggested.

Now some nits ... there were several places where I had to ask myself, even though I wouldn't write like that, would an American PI? As I don't know the answer to that, I've left a lot of stumbles alone ... HDean can play with those. But I would say the following:

  • Tell us a bit more about what you are watching ... hint at its origins a bit more ... And give us more of a clue in the first section that we are going to be reading your notes hereafter. Also, leave a hook to pick up at the end, so we remember to think back to this part at the end.
  • You can't say "Misses" when you mean "Mrs".
  • Loretta was Christopher's wife
  • "Blond" is masculine, "blonde" is feminine
  • ”carriage before horse” is the usual expression – but it is a cliché: “horse before carriage” is an interesting inversion, but do you mean it? Maybe you do – she does want to get evidence before nullifying her prenup
  • His office employed only two women, neither of which was blonde should be His office employed only two women, neither of whom was blonde
  • I left my car on a side street and made my way towards the warehouse, cutting through alleys and avoiding the main streets. By the time I reached the warehouse, it was just after 10 o'clock. What took him so long? He was earlier the night before.
  • Wasn't the breaking window pane just a little too obvious? Why not get spooked by a rat rushing at you or something like that ... a little bit different.
  • These two girls tied up together ... they're the same ones whose hair Loretta found earlier? How come they were in the warehouse on the night you went there ... everyone else seemed to disappear after just one visit
    there (But that was erotic!)
  • There's not enough preparation or explanation before we see Loretta in her predicament. OK, we knew it was coming, but you seemed to jump at it. A bit of padding here, maybe.
  • Finally, remind us that now we are not reading notes, but are back to where you were watching you videos.

It's easy to criticise, and I can imagine that it'll be harder to incorporate these suggestions, even if you do agree with them. So let me say again, it was an interesting story, and an erotic one, and I enjoyed reading it, as well as commenting on it. I hope some of them are useful.

TYWD