Quote Originally Posted by Razor7826 View Post
(This was originally meant to be the second assignment, which was to take my first assignment and write from the male character's perspective. However, part of what made that story good was not knowing what was happening in the male's head, so Ruby allowed me the freedom to submit any story from the male perspective. Surprisingly, not a single one of the stories I've written from a guy's POV.)





Private Collection
By Razor7826
(All events portrayed in this story are fictional. Copyright 2007)

I stared at my surveillance videos in absolute bliss, fitting reward to a risky job. I expected it to be just like every other simple surveillance job; snap a few photos of the absentee husband fucking his secretary and go home, my client several hundred-thousand dollars richer in divorce settlements. I'm not saying that women are always right about their husbands cheating on them, but the rich ones? Yeah, they're almost always right. N

At first glance, the Francesca case seemed the same, but it would spiral out of control, ending with the total and utter downfall of Misses Loretta Francesca.

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My notes tell me that Loretta Francesca, husband of Christopher Michael Francesca, strolled into my office at 3:34 in the afternoon of Monday the 22nd without appointment wearing a low-cut black dress, heavy makeup, and no bra. The dress only covered half her thighs, and her high heels helped accentuate her shapely legs. I long ago learned to size up clients so I could come up with a fitting quote for my services, and by the looks of her attire and the tonnage of merchandise she wore, it was obvious that she was wealthy.
Shall I mince words or shall I just take a bite out of your ass? Heh, yeah, here we go....

You are writing for adults and ahoping to compete with the best of the best. Okay, maybe you are just trying to put in a good tale that is readable. If so, stop using numerals for numbers. spell out the word. I see numerals and I think "lazy ass" and then immediately mutter "poor form" to myself.

"Tonnage" - is that a word? If so, it sucks. You can find better adjectives. Maybe even one or two with a silent "g".

Or, more precisely, that her husband was wealthy.

I stood from my leather chair as she approached my desk. I'm normally not a fan of tall women, but she handled herself to perfection, walking on her two-inch heels just enough to sway and bounce her tight ass and perfectly round tits without making it look like she was trying. She was gorgeous, but I knew better than to let lust get in the way of profit. That woman was the best meal ticket that I'd seen in a very long time, and there was no way I was going to let her get away.
You are trying to impact the reader with how she looked, moved, etc. You want to impact them you had better shorten some of your sentences. You draw things on too damned much. Also, you are trying to get a classic detective story feel - if so, sometimes you have to go back and repeat things. For instance: "but she handled herself to perfection" - I suggest if you are going to go with this genre you try the old "but this one...this one handled herself to perfection" and throw in some corny comments, as well. I'm just saying!

I walked from around my desk and held my hand out for hers, realizing that I had forgotten to wash my hands after gelling my hair. "Good afternoon, Ma'am. Ralph Bailey, Private Investigator. What can I find for you?" I asked, the words rolling off of my tongue for the ten-thousandth time. I smiled politely, trying my hardest not to stare straight at her chest. I did a bad job of it.
I am sure you can find a better way to say this. This is bland and childish. "I tried my hardest" or "fighting the urge"? You aren't a child and neither is a detective.

She held her slender hand out to mine and weakly shook back. She frowned as she felt the grease on my hand. At that moment, I pretty much accepted that she wouldn't be paying me with favors.
Snore! She did this, she did that and now she wouldn't be doing any favors. Don't start successive sentences with the same damned pronoun. It dulls the senses.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Bailey. My name is Loretta Francesca, and my husband is cheating on me with a blond whore," she stated, with a hint of contempt in her voice, obviously for her unknown adversary. "I want evidence so I can nullify our prenup, and I want it fast. I'll pay you five-thousand dollars up front, and twenty-thousand once you get me some worthwhile evidence."
Drop the "with a" and drop the "obviously for her unknown adversary". You are running on a bit too long. Just do the flip and stick the landing.

I stood there for a moment, shocked at both her generous offer and brutal focus. I hated women like her, always putting the horse before the carriage, but her off was just too damn large. I'd be a fucking idiot if I let her walk away. "What makes you think he is cheating on you, and why is it with a blond woman?" I asked as I leaned back against my desk, my arms folded in front of my chest.
That red sentence has no impact. Shorten this. You are too wordy. "I stood, shocked..." Where the hell else was he gonna stand, anyhow? Well, he wasn't going to stand "here", he had to stand "there". Thanks for that, Mr. Wordy.

She reached into her purse and pulled out a plastic bag. "I know because I found the adulterous whore's hair on my husband's clothing. Twice." she responded,sure that she held in her hands concrete evidence of her husband's infidelity. She handed me the bag.
Oy! Liven this up. "She reached". Gah! It begins its death passively and then ends with a dramatic "She handed me the bag". I'm melting....

I held the evidence up to the light and looked closely. There were two distinct strands of hair, and Loretta was right- they were both blond. However, she missed the most important fact of all.

One of the hairs belonged to a natural blond. The other was not.

There were two adulterous whores, not one.
"did"

[b]Okay, I could keep going, I suppose. I won't, though. Mostly, you repeated the same mistakes. Some things were drawn out too long, other things you stole the punch from and, of course, you know that the grammar, spelling and typo Nazis could thoroughly beat you down. I won't go into that, I saw that you were well aware of it. I also saw that Lews has done a bit of damage to your ego, wretched beast that he is.

Despite much of my gnashing at this (the reason I mentioned the silent "g" words - for he who thought it was random) it was a good attempt. It is in need of editing, obviously, and I think that with a few more "once overs" you could have this whipped into proper shape.

Really, Razor, you need to learn to stop drawing on things that need to end. It seems to be your biggest weakness. Remember, a short descriptive, punch packing, sentence, or a series of them, can be far better than a long descriptive sentence, even if it is correct in its formation, grammatically and stylistically, and can save some confusion for the reader.

Ain't ya glad I am on your side?