Whippett's 1st Assignment

[Mad Lews]

Dearest Whippett,

It is sad to hear that your public colleges have rival gangs of grammar thugs wandering the streets terrorizing young writers. As we Americans say, "The more things change the more they stay the same". The white skunk book is an excelent source if only for anthropological reasons.

A siren on the street far below cut through the lull in the conversation.

"Bugger it! Now what!" thought Harald, walking to the window, peering down to the street far below as a squad car pulled up in front of the building. He shrugged, turned back to his six guests, seated at ease around the room, though still eyeing each other somewhat distrustfully. He shook himself mentally, this weekend was not going according to Hoyle, and he was not in the least amused.

Harald sat, then reached for the little silver bell as the security buzzer from the lobby sounded. He rang the bell, and gestured to the young woman who entered the room and fell into a deep curtsey in answer to see to the buzzer (OK we ignore the curtsy because of your upbringing but still, in answer to see to seems the long way around, a simple in response to,is simpler and less wordy). The men watched her lithe, naked, leggy dancer's ( OK you are piling on the descriptives here and eventually the reader needs to gasp for air. Break it up a little, back when you introduced her a sentence ago you could have mentioned naked or for that matter leggy) form with open lust. "Time to separate the sheep from the goats." he thought, hoping the sound of his private elevator meant what he thought it did. He chuckled mentally, thinking of the shearing that was to come, eyeing the six in speculation. "Well, gentlemen, shall we get down to business?" he said. "As you are aware, I have stringent methods to determine your fitness for what you seek."

His guests shuffled in their chairs in expectation, eyes riveted to Harald's tight smile, then turned to face the library door as a shriek and crash sounded from the entry foyer. Some of the men leaped to their feet in consternation, but Harald's growled "Sit" settled them again, though several of the men looked decidedly uneasy. The library door crashed open, startling the men again, as four burly police officers crashed into the room, guns drawn, pushing the naked girl before them. Harald flicked his fingers in dismissal, and with another curtsey, the pretty girl eased past the cops, pausing briefly to allow the Sergeant leading the small squad to slide his hand over her pussy. "At last," Harald thought, " Palin and his men are here, late, and the scene is not as ordered. He and I will discuss that, and his familiarity with my staff, later. Hmmm, but this has promise" (we might add a , inside the quote but that might be impinging on gang turf what with the old Harvard/Yale thing or whatever)He stood, as 'Sergeant' Palin barked a terse "On your feet, turds, this is a raid."

Palin gestured in Harald's direction, addressing one of his me. "Take that one outside. He's the ringleader, we'll deal with him separately." Harald was amused to see the man Palin had detailed to him wore a patch declaring he was called "LaRue". With his back to his guests, as "LaRue" led him in the direction of the elevator, Harald allowed himself a small smile as he read the name-tags of the other men, "Signal" and "Striker". "Trust Palin to drop subtle hints" he thought with a touch of mental laughter, "names related to whips. I wonder if any of the sheep have wit enough to puzzle at the 'coincidence' of names."
As he closed the library door, shutting off sight of the men still in the room, LaRue's touch became more deferential, and Harald and La Rue turned aside from the elevator, opening a concealed door, entering a room full of audio-visual monitoring equipment. LaRue strode to the credenza at the back of the room, and poured a single cup of coffee as Harald settled into the swivel chair before the banked equipment. He placed the cup beside Harald's hand and stepped back.
When the door had closed on Harald and LaRue, Palin strode to the seated men "I told you turds to assume the position." he barked again to the six men riveted to their chairs in shock. Palin turned to the nearest man, seized a handful of shirt front and threw him to the floor. The man's head hit the parquet with a dull thud. Two of the seated men stood with measured dignity, hands behind their heads. The remaining men had thrown themselves to the floor, cringing in shock beside the man already lying there. "Hmm," thought Palin, eying the two standing men, a haughty, white-haired man and one who looked like a young mirror image "Father and son? Looks like." The two standing men eyed Palin coolly in return. Palin gestured to the men cringing on the floor "Cuff 'em, Signal" he growled.

Signal stepped forward with a smirk, pulling black cable ties from the pocket of his kevlar jacket, and bent over the prone men, one by one, pulling their arms roughly behind their backs, slipping a looped cable tie over each pair of wrists, drawing it tight with a grunt. Meanwhile, Striker moved to the two standing men, positioned their hands behind their backs and cuffed them with cable ties as well. Signal stood, and with a glance in Palin's direction, kicked the last man in line in the ribs as he said "What now Sarge?"

"Separate them." Palin said coldly. Striker grasped the elbows of the standing men and pushed them in the direction of the door into the foyer as Signal and Palin yanked the remaining men to their feet by the collars of their expensive suit jackets. Palin gave each man a shove in the direction of a plain door opposite the foyer entrance, smirking as they staggered. Signal opened the door, ushering the men roughly into a service corridor, and down it to a dingy utility room at the end. He ordered them to sit, legs outstretched and quickly cuffed each man's left ankle to his neighbour's right. "Just so you don't get any ideas, shit-holes!" he said softly, spitting between the legs of the man on the left. The man looked at the sputum on the floor, almost at his crotch, with disgust and a little fear. He jerked in response as Palin stepped into the doorway, and barked at terse "Watch these shits" to his remaining man, then closed the door behind him.

In the AV monitoring room, Harald leaned back in his chair and picked up his cup to sip his coffee as he turned to LaRue. "You were late." he said, flatly, then turned to adjust the volume on the utility room pickup. "Who'd have thought those four would be sheep" Signal mused, focussing his attention on the video pickup. Harald looked at him "And that, dear boy, is why you are a goon and not a Dom." he said with a touch of scorn mingled wit pride in his tone.
LaRue smiled "Am I a good goon?" he asked. "One of the best, according to Palin." Harald replied, turning his attention back to the sights and sounds coming from the utility room. Harald turned up the volume again, checking the recording status on his monitoring equipment. "Trump is such a pussy." LaRue observed quiet, going silent immediately when he saw the flash of irritation Harald directed in his direction. The Donald's voice whined out of the speakers, Harald grimaced at the tone coming from the speakers

"...know who I am?" the whining sputtered, "I'll have our jobs for this,( our or your?) the Chief is a personal friend of mine." Two of the others joined The Donald in whining and complaining, offering Signal increasingly large amounts of money to cut them loose and let them go. The fourth man, still a little sunned from being thrown to the floor, shook his head and sidled away from his neighbour until brought up short by his tethered ankle. He caught Signal's eye, noted his name tag "Cut me loose, Signal" he said calmly, "I do not wish to be associated with these cattle." Harald leaned forward in his chair, keying Signal's command frequency "Do it." he said. Signal cocked his head in recognition of the order, cut the ankle tie connecting the man to the other three. "Drag him to the Green Room." Harald ordered, and Signal grasped the man's lapels and hauled him to his feet. Signal nodded slightly in acknowledgement of the order and frog-marched he man from the utility room. He paused in the door way to turn and address the three remaining men "I'll be back" he barked with a smirk, as he closed he door.

The Donald's voice rose in volume and shrillness "Hey, what about me, cut me loose!" he shouted. Only silence answered as the men called out in growing frustration and fear.

Signal led his prisoner into a small, green room. "Sit" he snarled. The man looked at him with detachment and settled coolly onto the hard wooden chair - the only furniture in the room. Harald settled back into his chair, taking another sip of his coffee, then turned to LaRue "Watch and learn, goon." he said in a friendly manner, checking he recordings of the interrogations Palin was now conducting in turn with the three men who had retained a cool front through the abuse. From time to time he nodded at the answers the men gave, jotting cryptic notes to himself on a legal pad with three columns, headed "Ford", "Houson" and "Frankelli". As the morning wore on, Harald let his attention wander to the three men in the utility room. Their voices were coarsened now from their futile shouting for attention. He tore off his first list, put it to one side and started another. Three more columns, headed "The Donald", "Hillaryman" and "Stupid". More cryptic notes filled those columns. Satisfied at last, Harald keyed Palin's command frequency "Take the three interogees back to the library " he ordered, then stood to stretch the tension from his back. He stood and watched as Palin led each of the three men, separately, into the library, before turning to the door of the monitor room. LaRue jumped forward to open the door for him and Harald stepped into the foyer. Gently he placed his hand on the naked blond girl kneeling to the right of the doorway. "Sweets," he said fondly, fetch Carmen and the Allisons to me. The girl smiled up at him, eyes shining, "At once, Sir" she replied, jumping to her feet. She ran t the stairway, bounding up the stairs, her light chains twinkling against her pale naked skin.

Harald watched her go, admiring her lithe form and energy, then turned to the elegant brunette kneeling on the other side of the doorway, reaching down to grasp the chain at her collar, tugging upwards slightly. She rose gracefully to her feet, Harald leaned forward o kiss her lightly on the lips, patting her gently on her pubic mound. "Fetch coffee for four to the library, dear one." he said softly. "At once, Master" she replied, turning slightly so Harald could stroke her clitoris lightly for a moment before patting her bottom in dismissal. Elegant in her ballet boots, she minced across the foyer, turning down the corridor leading to the kitchen. With a gesture to LaRue to precede him, Harald trend (? turned)to the library doors, LaRue opened them deferentially, and Harald strode into the room, seating himself in his chair, facing he(the) three cuffed men standing waiting for him.

Harald made a gesture to Palin, and Palin cut the cuffs binding the three men. Palin stepped back in front of the three men, bowed slightly, and in deference to them and gestured to the waiting chairs. "Please be seated gentlemen" he said, then moved to stand behind Harald's chair. Harald smiled at the three seated men, all rubbing their wrists as circulation returned. "I warned you my selection criteria were stringent and unforgiving" Harald said quietly into the silence, pausing as the brunette entered the room. At his gesture she served the three men first, offering coffee and sweet pastries to each in turn, before kneeling before Harald and lifting the tray to him. "Some interview" the younger Ford snorted, a hint of anger in his voice snorted.(too much snortin' will lead to typos I'm told, I've never touched the stuff) A gesture from white-haired Frankelli silenced him, as the foyer door opened, and the pretty blonde led three magnificent and naked women into the room on leashes. She led them to Harald, knelt and offered the leashes to him as the collared and leashed girls knelt with their foreheads on the floor (this is just a matter of style but foreheads on the floor seems a bit passive, I think foreheads pressed to the floor is a better visual) . Harald stood, and opened the small library case beside his chair, drawing out three glittering steel collars. He handed the collars to the blonde, who sidled behind him on her knees as he stepped towards the three leashed girls. "Carmen," he said, stopping before a proud red-head. She bowed, and Harald unlocked the collar around her neck, letting it drop to the floor before her. "Your time with me is over. The next phase of your life begins now. Serve your Master well and be a credit to your training. Come back to me when your contract ends in five years." He took a steel collar from the blond and handed it to Carmen." Carmen rose and let her eyes follow the direction of Harald's gesture. She turned to face Houson, the collar held in both hands, but made no move towards him.

Harald turned to the next girl, a striking, high breasted blond "Pretty Allison, " he said, as she bent to let him unlock her collar. It dropped to the floor by her knees. "Your time with me is over. The next phase of your life begins now. Serve your Master well and be a credit to your training. Come back to me when your contract ends in five years." He took a steel collar from the blond and handed it to Allison." Allison rose and let her eyes follow the direction of Harald's gesture. She turned to face Frankelli, a smile touching her lips, the collar held in both hands, but made no move towards him.

"And last, you I will miss most of all, Allison, for you are truly the one who has taken to slaver(y?) whole-heartedly." he said, bending to kiss her upturned lips before unlocking her collar, catching it as it began to fall. "Your time with me is over. The next phase of your life begins now. Serve your Master well and be a credit to your training. Come back to me when your contract ends in five years, and enter my service then." He took a steel collar from the blond and handed it to Allison." Allison rose and let her eyes follow the direction of Harald's gesture. She turned to face Ford, after smiling once at Harald, the collar held in both hands, but made no move towards him.

Harald stepped back, gave the collar he was holding to the waiting blond, who placed it in the cabinet, before gathering up the two remaining collars and leaving the room. Harald rolled his shoulders once. "Greet your Master(s), girls." he said softly. The three stepped forward, each to her indicated owner, knelt and lifted the glittering steel to the man before her.

"Many want the (drop) my girls, and think money will buy them what they seek, but not all deserve them." (this seems a bit awkward many want to buy my girls but.... just to simplify things for the Yanks...Harald said softly. "You have the strength of spirit and detachment my girls deserve. Use them well, they are jewels of great price." As each man bent to attach the steel to his designated girl, Harald walked forward, squeezed each girl lightly on the shoulder, bent and whispered to each in turn "Serve well and with pride, and come home again when you are released."

He stood back, watching fondly as each girl followed her new Master from the room. "Now," he thought quietly, "to deal with those miserable failures."

As you can see just a few nits to pick, overall a great little scene played out well and leaving us hoping to hear what happens to the three stooges. A personal aside I do so hate it when a proper (or improper) person is addressed as "The" something, I know it's acceptable but "The Comb Over" just makes me grit my teeth, putting it in quotes seems to help a little.

Now toward the end as he's handing out the party favors your main character repeats the same speech three times. Well and good but it gets predictable. While you can't avoid that you can use the opportunity to flesh out some characterization, vary the speech and tone in noticeable ways to reflect his feelings toward these three pupils. You did that for the last to some extent but I'd suggest you elaborate a bit with all three.

Excellent first assignment I'd say, but I'm only the peanut gallery.

yours
Mad Lews