I too feel compelled to respond to this post. It seems to me that it judges all others based on tastes and ideals of Bunkerchief, but in doing so, also contains contradictions.

Quote Originally Posted by bunkerchief
BDSM is an ersatz experience so yes, it is sugarcoated.
Uuuummmm maybe it is an ersatz experience for your tastes, but that doesn't make it so for all others. I claim to have a D/s lifestyle because it provides me all I need to describe my tastes and desires. Anyone that finds it false or sugarcoated is not really a part of this lifestyle, but belongs somewhere else (probably jail).


Take out SSC and consent and you have the real thing but you are less likely to get the real thing in the life style than outside it. BDSMers are more cautious about sex and kink in general than people who don't see themselves as being into kink.
If you take away SSC (or RACK) and consent, you are now talking about abuse, and possibly even more. As asked by another, what do you see as 'the real thing'?

My first experience with BDSM was without any knowledge of BDSM or its language and conventions and it was what my partner at the time called high wire sex. I doubt I will ever experience something so intense again because now I'm too knowledgeable and aware. Though we are not partners anymore, I do revisit the scene of the crimes with this old partner and though we don't get to the dizzy heights of before, we do get a more intense experience than with other partners. I guess the sugarcoating has softened the taste.
My first experiences were also without any knowledge of BDSM, or that others like me even existed. And yes, it was very intense, as we learnt together and pushed ourselves way past what we assumed all others were doing. Every little thing was new and exciting, no matter how tame it may seem by today's standards with so much more information available.

BTW, it is here that you provide us with a major contridiction. Your ex-partner clearly agreed to what you did together, to the extent that you can still visit and do the same now - so you must have had a "ersatz experience" then also, because she consented to this .. and consent is part of your definition of sugarcoating. If she didn't consent at the time - uuuumm - why aren't you in prison?

My biggest disappointment with the BDSM life style is how tame and polite it is. I think one of the problems is the over intellectualisation of what is basically an instinctive and intuitive act.
As others have already stated: Tame - NO. Polite, yes. Being an asshole to others is not one of my desires

"Over intellectualisation"? I disagree. One of the things that the net did was to provide resources so that people have easy access to understand these strange feelings they have. OK, in our young days we both explored without having any reference material available - but how many supressed their feelings because they thought they were weird?


As for D/s relationships because of the market, subs being much less numerous than Doms (Just look at Alt.com or Bondage.com), the subs are really the people who hold the power which defeats the whole idea. The Dom is really the person on the end of the leash and not the sub, in reality the Dom services the sub and as long as he performs the sub won't walk away and he'll keep his position, which really isn't a position of power at all. You can see the psychology of this in the ads written by subs, the whole diction is one of someone possessing something that is in high demand and they are asking a high price.
In your first BDSM experience your 'sub' could have walked away, otherwise you were breaking the law! I am not sure that you really understand D/s. It is a Power Exchange. Yes the sub has the power to accept or deny what may happen with her (or him), the Dom then uses that power that has been granted to him. In the (decent) adverts written by subs or Doms, the list of requirements are not demands on ever reader of the ad. They are simply a starting point to establish a compatibility. Why would a sub come to me if she wants to Orgasm 2 or 3 times a day, when my kink is to deny orgasms whenever I want? Is it false (ersatz) for a sub to have any desires at all? Is it false for a sub to have limits - say, incest, beastiality, children, her own children, etc?

However, no one wants to end up in jail so sugarcoated it will remain and we will all play the game and fantasize it is the real thing or at least try to.
All my wants and desires can be fulfilled without me ending up in jail and the 'game' I play is not fantasy - it is very real.

I would suggest that you catch the next space shuttle to Gor, I think you will be happy there.

Brosco