Euryleia's 1st Level III Assignment

[H Dean]

Well, I just went over this piece. I have a lot of things to hammer on. Unfortunately, I also have limited time...for now.

Some comments. The male perspective fucked you in the early parts. It wasn't natural feeling and some of what you wrote was awkward...not your normal stuff. That was the early parts. Towards the ending it felt like you got into it.

Quick tip from a guy who plays co-ed softball: Lesbians aren't that much different from men except that men aren't as nuts as most lesbians.

The opening - it was the worst part of the entire piece and sounded entirely forced - here it is:

Peering through the windshield into the gloom, I tried to find a number on any of the darkened buildings bordering the narrow street. As we drove by an alley, there was a sound of crashing metal and breaking glass. You tend to use "as" a lot and you need to use it less frequently. Try making it "Driving" and liven it up, while being more concise. Also "a sound" doesn't work as well as "the sound". Also "there was" is way to passive for this moment. The sound should crash into them if you want to make it sound alive.

I got the idea that this was a sleazy neighborhood - maybe well-known for dykes and trannies - rough and not terribly pleasant, but it was only hinted at. Set it up with, as Spock would say, some colorful metaphors. Notice, I siad dykes and trannies...you get a guy talking and we talk a lot like lesbians only nicer and more stable of mind.

Clenching my fingers on the factory installed, leather wrapped steering wheel, I worried about my car. As much as I hated to drive my wife’s mini-van, I think I should have left my 2006 Pontiac G6 GTP convertible at home in the garage. This paragraph was kind of awkward not very manly, at all. Guys don't clench anything but their assholes. They can "wrap" or "curl" but only our assholes get clenched...usually right before a prostate exam. Also, the order of the first sentence was flat. Put the real action at the front - that's worrying.


Here is another one I wanted to get out - this made me kind of cringe...

In no time at all, the waitress was back with the drinks. My beer was perfect. It was icy cold with just the right amount of foam. “It shouldn’t surprise me that the bleached blonde dyke behind the bar could give good head,” I said with a laugh.

No matter who says that it is weirdly phrased and, in a dyke bar, he should be surprised. But the "it shouldn't surprise me" and the "bleached blonde dyke" are really elongated shots at a the bartender. Guys are more concise and there might even have been a snicker..."Heh, who'd a thought that dyke would give such good head?"

Okay, there is more, but I don't have the time to really knock you over the head. I will try to get to more a little later...you know, when I can play "dutch boy" and plug all the holes.

I kill me!