I have returned! Thus begins my assault on your tale.

In our last episode the evil Emperor Dean had pointed out an awkward start to the story. Here is where we learn why!

After sinking the eight ball in the corner pocket, I let my maple cue slide through my fingers. There was a time in my life when I was a billiard player. My game was 8 ball and I had a two piece McDermott pool cue I carried everywhere. If you are going to know what the hell the pool cue is made of (most people don't) you are damned sure going to have a two piece. In other words, it isn't just a cue, it's a piece of pride. There was some pride in the cue but not enough pride in it.

Tapping the base on the toe of my Doc Martens, I grinned across the green felt and waited to see what my opponent would do. The boots were Doc Martens but you didn't tell me what kind of cue. Not everyone would know what these are, though most would. Consistency with how you tell the story can be a big deal. Brand name of the shoes but no brand name of the cue threw me off.

This was her second loss and we were playing double or nothing. I assume you were playing for money but I've no idea. I want to know. Fill that void and make it more interesting. These little tid-bits can draw a reader in by making it more real.

"After playing two games she was down a hundred dollars. Now, we were going for double or nothing."

“You’re too fucking hot tonight, Rain.” Jean tossed another pair of bills onto the table. Stepping back, she put her cue away in the rack. “If only it were true that the angle of incidence is exactly equivalent to the angle of reflection.” Now I know they were playing for money. Another pair of bills could be two dollars. I know it's a real nit-pick to bitch here, but high stakes can make for a more interesting tell.


Here is where the awkwardness really began...
Jean taught physics at the Catholic high school and wore thick glasses and kept her hair pinned back in a French braid.
She did this and she did that and she did this. Conjunctions are okay and technically correct. There is a more interesting way to present this, though. It's a bit passive and you could have made it a bit more interesting with a few commas and the elimination of the "and" you are fond of using.


Usually a tough competitor, she brought science to the game and sucked most of the fun out it. I guess that was why I enjoyed beating her so much Eliminate the "and" and put in a "that" and it flows better.

Suggestion:
Usually a tough competitor, she had a tendency to throw in her science teacher background in a manner that sucked the fun out of the game, annoying anyone who played her. I guess that's why I enjoyed taking her money so much.

Okay, now that we are through all that, I will say the two things you regularly do that annoy me. One I already touched on is "and" and the other is passive voice.

Here is an example of passive voice that could be adjusted to immediacy that would lend a punch to your story telling.


I didn’t say it but I sure thought it. Damn, that woman was fine and, as she walked in and out of the spotlights to the table farthest from the door, her ample assets were lit up like masterpieces in a museum. The sheer blouse she was wearing was anything but concealing.

You should be watching her walk in and out of the spotlight. "Watching her walk in and out of the spotlights to the table farthest from the door I could see her ample assets light up like masterpieces in a museum."

You use the "as" an awful lot in your story telling. Make it now and hammer the reader with a visual.

That's really the main complaint I have.

As for what Mad said about brand names: He is dead on. Frankly, I would avoid them and give something a bit more descriptive. The Doc Martens boots, for instance...it becomes clear that it's a lesbian bar later in the story and the Doc Martens sure present that. If your reader isn't familiar with them you could lose them a bit. Try being overly obvious in a case like that...you could have said she tapped her cue on the toe of her name brand dyke boots. It would sure give a notion that this girl wasn't a lipstick lesbian and cut right to the chase without dropping name brands. Also, the cue - you don't have to give the brand of it. It could simply be a two-piece custom made cue. Even before I got into billiards I knew that Jim had a hell of a nice pool cue (Jim Croce reference PM me for details if you don't get it) before he got his ass kicked by Slim.

Okay, I am done. Really, this was a good fucking piece. To answer your question: there is no gentleness in this level. You are damned good.