Hoping it's alright to join the conversation here. I've been a member of the Library here for several months, but am mostly active at the Academy. One assignment I was given at the Academy a few months back was to write about my views of BDSM and Christianity. It's also an area that I wrestle with wanting to make sure that my desires and actions also stay in line with my faith and values. I spent some amount of time really pondering this and doing a lot of reading and I wrote the following essay. I'll share it here and hope it adds a bit to the dialogue. It mostly reflects where I'm at in my own exploration of all this. Thanks for letting me share and for bringing up such a great topic.



Christianity and BDSM

This has been a very challenging essay to put together. Challenging because there are so many viewpoints and many seem so emotionally charged. Because of that I felt like I wanted to approach this as an academic endeavor, a research project of sorts. And to some extent that is what it has been. I only wish I had more time to devote to it. Because I see so much emotion in what I read online, I wanted to be very careful about what I wrote so as to have some real grounding, some intelligent discourse presented in a manner that doesn't have to lead to frustration for whoever might read it. I've felt a lot of pressure within me. Kind of like that of a minority person who doesn't want every act or thought to have to stand as representative of his race, nor be judged/stereotyped as good/bad by the actions of some other member of his race. So these were my struggles in approaching this. I haven't done anything near an acceptable or complete job of presenting anything here, but I've done what I can with the time I have available.

Christianity and BDSM, two cultures that raise all manner of stereotypic beliefs and opinions in nearly any group in which the subjects are raised; however, when combined, at best confusion sets in at how they might coincide, and at worst people become rather aggressive on both sides considering the two to be adversarial. It seems a small minority of people who do not see necessary conflict between the two cultures. I'm a part of that minority.

I've done a lot of reading in considering this topic, most of which I did not agree with on either side. I'm thankful to know there are Christians involved in this lifestyle because when I marry, I want to marry someone of like faith, but it seems to me that the websites aimed at discussing how Christianity and BDSM can coexist do so from a defensive posture and try to prove their convictions, sometimes taking scriptures out of context and using overly simplistic interpretations. I hesitate in this criticism thinking could I really do better, but it's the wrong question. I don't need to be defensive. I do need to wrestle with this question of my faith and my desires for this lifestyle to the same degree as I do other areas of my life, but it really doesn't rise to some higher position simply because sex is a supercharged topic in our culture.

Likewise, I've read many criticisms of Christian BDSM websites by people who are disenfranchised by the church and who seem very angry at religion in general. Their approach has also seemed discouraging to me in that they discount what is presented not with sound argument, but with mocking and degradation. The irony in this is that they seem to mock and criticize because they feel or have felt mocked and criticized. I want to read and hear multiple opinions and discussion from different viewpoints, but that wasn't to be found, at least not in my research. So I'm kind of hanging out here on my own in what I write to some extent. And I don't want to get in the middle of some pointless debate or be found offensive. So here's my best attempt.

Dominance and Submission:

In Bible times, slaves were a part of the culture of the day. We, most fortunately, don't have slavery in our Western culture in that traditional sense (except in the dark underground), nor does slavery or submission in BDSM resemble the old traditions of forced slavery. What I see in BDSM is closer to the idea of a bondservant, a slave who enters into slavery by choice for some type of trade. We have this in our common culture every time we use a credit card or take out a loan. We daily make choices about what or who we will be enslaved by: the internet, television, the race to have the most toys, money, bitterness, pleasure, any host of daily behaviors and habits that dictate how we live. We all live in relationship to others that involves varying levels of dominance and submission. These are simple facts.

BDSM relationships seem to me to be variations on these themes. Since I'm learning from a perspective of submission, what I see is that in my daily life I play many roles, most of which involve dominance. In my personal, intimate, sexual life I prefer submission. There are aspects of my dominant roles in which I'm appreciative to have the role that I do and thankful that I rose to the challenge of using my skills and talents in a manner that contributes to life, but my most comfortable role, the place I feel safest and most "in my skin" is in submission. Choosing to submit to another does not violate any scriptural precept that I can see. However, I do like using scripture as a guide for how to respond to people in whatever role I happen to be in – and the bottom line for that is to love, love in a manner that shows all who see it the love Christ has for them. (If this happened more often and consistently, there probably wouldn't be as many people so angry at Christianity. Unfortunately, Christians are also extremely fallible and damaged people and the church frequently does not reflect the image of Christ.) Scripture is ripe with information about how slaves were expected to respond to their masters and how masters were to care for their slaves. It teaches how to respect authority and give deference to those in respected positions. It sets the clear example of what submission is. So much so that as I kneel or meditate on some aspect of my submission in this lifestyle, I frequently feel called to demonstrate such submission to my Father above – the feelings and behaviors being so very familiar.

Bondage and Discipline:

I feel uncertain as to how to start here, so like much of writing, I simply need to begin doing it. Discipline is clearly addressed in the Bible, probably more so there than about anywhere. I see discipline as having two definitions: that of living a disciplined life and the term discipline as equivalent to punishment. I see no conflict regarding a disciplined lifestyle in BDSM and that found in the scripture. Obviously some of the specifics can vary. If, for example, a dominant was training a submissive to be disciplined in acting in a manner that was contrary to principles in scripture, this would be problematic. However, it is fully reasonable to live within scriptural precepts and have a disciplined life within a D/s relationship – this is part of what is involved in communication and consent. I'm privileged to be gaining all manner of discipline while at the Academy and I believe this discipline is also pleasing to my Ultimate Master. Likewise, discipline in the sense of punishment can also be clearly supported in scripture if one felt the need to do so. However, what is more important to me is that it is not declared as something that must be done/not done in a specific way. The key to me is that there is freedom to practice discipline and punishment. Likewise, that freedom extends to bondage. I consider it no different than other types of agreed upon forms of interaction. I don't feel a need to try to defend it. What is more important to me is recognizing that I don't see anything in scripture that prohibits it.


Sadism and Masochism

This too is difficult for me to address. Partially because I don't understand the concepts, and part because I do not see these issues addressed in scripture. As I understand it in BDSM, sadism refers to being sexually gratified through infliction of pain on another, while masochism being sexually gratified in having pain inflicted on oneself. These can be aspects of dominance and submission and utilized in discipline. Again, I think this is an area that reflects back to the concepts of discipline in one regard, and to learning and sources of pleasure in another. One could certainly point out many areas in scripture that relate to beating one's body, or using the rod in discipline, but I don't believe they necessarily speak to this area of BDSM. I do see the connection of the body's response to pain (whether being the recipient or the issuer of that pain), the changes in levels of endorphins and other chemicals in the brain including serotonin and epinephrine, and one's pleasurable response to pain. Certainly this can lead to a desire for more of those typically pleasing chemicals. For me it's even more than that. It's comfortable to me because it's what I learned. While I don't condone the manner in which I was disciplined growing up, I do see the benefit in it as an adult. For example, my mother raged out of control, she was unpredictable and truly sadistic in some of the ways she punished. BDSM to some degree has led to some healing for me because it is controlled, it is not used in anger or rage, it has some measure of predictability in that it is fully consensual, and though it may include sadism, it isn't evil sadism. Of course I speak of this in BDSM as I understand it and recognize that people have different definitions of how this is practiced (that's the scary part!). I think of my desires in all of this as a sort of taste preference that is partially influenced by my personality and likely heavily influenced by learning through life experiences, but isn't this how all our tastes are developed? For example, if I grew up in Germany, I might have a taste for beer and sauerkraut, but let me assure you that though I have German blood coursing through my veins, I like neither. I didn't grow up developing that taste. My taste in submission in BDSM is no more or less an appropriate appetite than wife who only has sex missionary style when her husband desires, the priest who has committed him/herself to celibacy, or the teenage boy who wakes in the morning after his first wet dream. It is shaped by nature and learning.

So what does that have to do with my Christian faith you might ask? Well I believe that God is a loving father, that he mourns with me about the pain I suffered growing up, but that he also celebrates with me at the healing I find. It's not the conventional method, but it goes so much deeper than conventions have ever been able to reach (and I have used many conventions – believe me.) Not only this, but I believe I have a freedom within boundaries to explore and play and figure things out. If pleasure in pain is a part of that discovery and healing, if it's a part of the way I am able to find deeper levels of sexual gratification, than within some limits I have the freedom to do so. For me the bottom line is that I have freedom to explore and play, but I need to be careful to not engage in any acts that go against what has been laid out in scripture. Not because I have some fear of being cast into hell or that God will reject me, but because I really believe that what is written in scripture is inspired by God and meant for my good, not as some arbitrary measure of control. I believe it comes from the love of a Father and when I think through different scenarios I can see why those safety markers are there.

Other Pieces/Specifics:

Some of those markers seem clear to me, but some get a little fuzzy too. I know clearly that I will not have sex before or outside of marriage. This is a clear marker for me. What is less clear is what does sex equal. I have no desire to reprise the Clinton era debate, but it is an area I will struggle with, an area that could be argued in many a direction. I will have to wrestle with this because I don't want to learn the boundary by having crossed over it. But this struggle is not unique to me and I likely will fall over it a few times as I figure it out. Within marriage, I see an open playing field between husband and wife. While I do believe in monogamy as far as sexual intercourse is concerned, I could easily see myself still playing and learning at the Academy when I'm married and hope my husband might want to play too, or attending munches together or ??? The limits will be something we would have to discuss together. Arguments could be made for having multiple mates in a committed marriage, but this doesn't set peacefully within me at this time in this culture. I may think differently at some point in time, but based on what knowledge I have now, that type of relationship does not appeal to me. And yet I have to wrestle with that to some degree because the very people I submit to or play online with are frequently married. Yet I'm not having sex with those people, it's a different type of relationship. But I also wouldn't want to, even at this level, come between a husband and wife or be any part of potential marital discord. That makes this a tenuous line to walk, and one I'm still figuring out where I stand (as I'm certain my ambivalence is quite obvious). This online community affords some structure and, therefore, security to fall back on, but I'm well aware of how deep emotions can be stirred here and how difficult it can be to put the river back in its bounds.

Masturbation and self-sex play have been debated probably since the first time someone learned where their clit or penis was and how good it felt. I've masturbated since I was a very young child, for as long as I have memory to be honest. I've done so by myself and with others as a child. I was hooked, I didn't understand all the sensations, but I knew how good they felt. I played in ways that would be considered kinky by adult standards, but I was simply a child explorer. But however I learned it, I was sure what I was doing was bad, that I was bad for doing it. Though I've been a good girl my whole life, this was one area I just kept right on playing even though I felt extreme guilt.

Well I'm thankful for my curious mind and my tendencies to research until I have a satisfactory conclusion (which I almost never get to) because I was able to evaluate what I thought and knew of masturbation as an adult and come to some very different conclusions. I have read the Christian books that espouse and despise masturbation, and I've sought the counsel of Biblical scholars about the subject. The Bible really is silent on this issue. It is clear about guarding your mind and your heart and how to do so, but it says nothing about whether or not you should or shouldn't sexually pleasure yourself. So again in this area I refer to how God created us and the vast freedom he gave to us. He gave us wonderful erogenous zones all over our bodies, extra sensitive places fully within our reach, creative minds to know how to use them. Not only that, but sex and our sexuality are a gift directly from him. They are a part of the very expression of himself as he created us in his image. If you want to read some truly erotic literature, read the Song of Solomon, it doesn't get much better than that. Self-sex play also allows me to explore my desires before marriage, to know myself more intimately, to be able to communicate those desires to the one/s I love, and to assume some responsibility for meeting my own needs rather than being fully dependent on another. Not only that, but it helps me stay disciplined in keeping with my values and waiting for marriage because I'm a woman with needs and my desires are strong.

How do I deal with the specifics that are not specifically addressed in scripture? The best way I know how - I have to listen to my conscience. In Romans 14, Paul talks to this issue saying that if your conscience convicts you and you continue on anyway, then you have done wrong. This wasn't a universal about all behaviors, but in regard to those not clearly defined or by which arguments could be made in multiple directions. This can be challenging in that one clear principle of human functioning is that we are rationalizing creatures, though not always rational. We can make an argument to approve of about anything we might desire to do. I do believe there is objective truth in the universe, and some of that is accessible, but mostly we have to just try to come as close to truth as possible and often that proximity is likely a pale representation of all that God is and desires for us. What I have written here and what I desire to practice in my faith and as a submissive are also most certainly pale representations, but they are what I have and understand at this point in time.