Dommes

[Hime]

That's very interesting, Tom. It's something I haven't thought of ... anthropologically. But I'm not sure what you mean about "men's inability to submit like sub women do." As far as how far they'll go or how devoted they are? I consider myself very emotionally submissive, but my limits are probably a bit tighter than many of the fine people on this site.

There are some amazing male subs out there, but I have noticed that it has been hard for some submissive men, who really want to submit, to entirely let go of the cultural programming that tells men to be the most aggressive person in the room and to focus on what they want above everything else. For instance, I've seen a "submissive" guy in a club crawl on his knees after a girl, getting in her face when it was clear that she wasn't interested in dominating him. That kind of behavior can be frustrating for women who want to be in control.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm being too harsh on men here. As a woman who has always been a "daddy's girl" and grew up wanting to be like her very proud father, it has been a real struggle for me to submit sometimes. I don't want to let go of my pride and my independence even when I know that that's what I need in order to be happy. I can only imagine what it's like for men who have a lifetime of being told that they have to be "tough" behind them.

[underwhere]

I'd like to offer my own unique male perspective.

There are some amazing male subs out there, but I have noticed that it has been hard for some submissive men, who really want to submit, to entirely let go of the cultural programming that tells men to be the most aggressive person in the room and to focus on what they want above everything else.

I'm sure this is partly true, but I think there is more to it than that. For example, there are some (perhaps many) men who feel very uncomfortable in this "cultural domination" role. I've always been a highly emotional guy. Even as a young child, the socialization that "boys don't cry" never did anything for me. When I felt hurt, I was sure to have a meltdown of some variety or another, and honestly, at that time, it didn't take much of anything to hurt me. I was a social outcast in many ways as a result of many circumstances simply related to my individual situation, and I lacked any understanding of how to change that or how to better my own social standing while still having to deal with my rather particular social limitations. As a result, that "cultural programming" you are writing about never worked on me. (If you want to know more about the specifics of my social limitations, send me a Private Message and I'll be sure to share. I'd just rather not do so here on the forum.)

At the same time, as I'm exploring this facet of myself now, I can also tell you that, again because of my circumstances, even the very idea of submitting is, on some level, just about the scariest thing possible I can think of for myself, and yet I know I need to do so for myself. I've recognized that it is really important for me to find some element of my life that it is "safe" and "okay" to let somebody else take the reins for me. Am I scared? Yes, very much so. Do I trust my Domme enough to take me there when we are able to meet? Absolutely. Have we met yet in person? No, but I'm very much looking forward to that opportunity when it presents itself, and I trust her enough to know that she will not hurt me any more than it would be safe for me to be "hurt".

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm being too harsh on men here. As a woman who has always been a "daddy's girl" and grew up wanting to be like her very proud father, it has been a real struggle for me to submit sometimes. I don't want to let go of my pride and my independence even when I know that that's what I need in order to be happy.

I've tried for probably my whole life to strive against being submissive. I always wanted to be in control of my independence. Frankly, I still do struggle against my submissive tendencies in some ways because I still want to be independent, but I'm completely convinced that I also NEED a safe place, a safe relationship, to explore the idea that its okay for me to let go of my personal social edginess. I don't always want to be socially on guard all of the time.

I can only imagine what it's like for men who have a lifetime of being told that they have to be "tough" behind them.

Not only is it "tough", but it can also be downright confusing.

Long before I turned 18, I was perusing the early internet and many of the s&m/BDSM newsgroups available on Usenet at the time. I knew that I had desires for being a Dom, but I also knew that I probably was not made out to be one. Still, most of my fantasizing at the time revolved around my being a Dom. It wasn't until MUCH later that I realized that, deep down, I was far more of a sub than a Dom. (I remember reading a story as a teenager about a sub enjoying a spanking, and not having any understanding as to why that might be an enjoyable experience. I guess life works in mysterious ways as I am very much looking forward to being spanked now.) I call myself now a switch as I still have such thoughts and desires, but I truly believe that I am far more subbie than I am Dom based upon my more recent thoughts on the matter.