Euryleia's 4th Level Three Assignment

[Mad Lews]

A small family group stood in the grand entryway of the resort hotel. The soaring, gilded arches and columns seemed to dwarf everyone but them. Under the lighting of the chandeliers, the three women and one man seemed to almost glow. Maybe it was their beauty and radiant health but they stood out from the crowd of tourists in the lobby.

It's an OK start but it needs that hook, a bit of mystery and suspense from the first words. ‘Nobody saw them enter, they just appeared’ try and engage other senses as well they appear with a loud pop, a smell of gardenias whatever then brush back the disbelief you engender with 'but the security cameras picked up nothing unusual…. work it your own way but add a little snap up front.

A passing bellhop was distracted by Mindy’s almost otherworldly beauty and took a header over a pile of luggage. When she smiled at the flurry of activity around her, a further six people wound up sprawled on the marble floor.

Gus chuckled at the typical reaction to taking his granddaughter out in public. “Trust me, sweetheart. You’ll find what you need in the bar.”

with a nod to the Mean Dean
The distracted butler went sprawling over the pile of luggage.

a further six people wound up sprawled on the marble floor.are we doing a divine slap stick here or a myth? a bit of both? Ok remember understatement. give us one more well described example. A wife slams into back of her hubby who abruptly stopped to gawk. that communicates more than six vaguely sprawling bodies, and it's more to the point.

“You’ll be fine.” Gus kissed Sofia on the lips, Brenda on the cheek and Mindy on the forehead. “Let me know how it all turns out. I’ll be at the high limit tables.” Striding away, he was soon lost among the crowd.

Love the reverse symbolism extra gold stars (redeemable at the level four redemption center no doubt)

Taking a sip, he started to rotate back toward the silent television. He was a happily married man and did not need any sort of trouble.

When the smoky liquid hit his tongue, though, he paused. Sipping again, he would almost swear he tasted the sea amidst the peat.

“What is this?” he asked the bartender. “This isn’t what I was drinking.”

The bartender grinned at him. “No, pal, they requested that one specifically.”

“I’ve never tasted anything like it.”

“That’s the Isle of Islay on your tongue. Laphroaig is a thirty-year-old single malt. There are many who say it’s the finest of its kind.”

You know my feelings on scotch and whiskey, the three uses rule. This is a deliberate affront!
Still I'm a generous kinda guy, so I'll allow for artistic license this once.

When Brenda coughed censoriously, Mindy turned and stuck out her tongue.

It's a fine old word, but it will make at least half your readers pause to puzzle out its meaning. there is no need to do that 'disapprovingly' would work as well and convey the idea.

“You see, she gave a very generous gift and we need someone to tell which of the three of us will get it.” Sofia waved at the intricately carved box that was sitting equidistant from the three women. “The box contains something we each want but are unable to agree who deserves it most.”

“What is it?”

“It is a solid gold statue. You’ll understand if I don’t open the box here in public.”

OK at this point you’re setting up the apparent contest, you need to elaborate on the prize, give it a deeper or at least second meaning. You’ll need to let him peek, then use your descriptive skills to make it something beyond merely precious something divinely beautiful. or better yet give it some other, deeper value but it has to be obvious to him. Maybe just a wee hint that its really the judge that's being tested.



From there the story proceeds apace. It's well told and held my interest. His choice is a little predictable, but hey, he's a guy what more should we expect. It all worked so well right up to the very end.

The ending is incomplete, as you probably know. You hint and tease but that’s not nearly good enough. Yes you might feel you’d need a story twice as long to do the ending real justice but that’s just not so.
You have set the man up, given him the three temptations and he choose his poison. Goddesses are never very gentle with there human pawns. Now spring the traps, one two three. Yes there ought to be three or if you’re very clever a single trap that encompasses all three. I suspect you could do it with a bit of thought and a few more paragraphs. Again remember understatement, but without sacrificing clarity and meaning.

You're under no time pressure here, you've done remarkably well and done it quite quickly.
Now take your time polish it up a bit and give it a proper ending.

hope you don't mind I threw a copyright notice on the end.

With our appreciation

Mad Lews




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