Well I had a wonderful birthday weekend and many thanks to all those who left birthday wishes on my profile. It is always a wonderous thing when I log in and have PM's or profile greetings from those that I know and even from those that don't. It is just another blessing from those that belong to this wonderful online community.

I spent Friday and Saturday with my ex and we talked and did things that we haven't done for so long. That included a full moon ritual (we are pagans) on Friday night and went to lunch at a nice winery on Saturday with her sister.

As I was leaving on Sunday morning to visit my son for the day she spoke to me at the car and set me free. She had been asking me to wait while she worked out what it was she really wanted. She said it wasn't fair to do that to me and she couldn't bear to see me in pain so we needed to just be friends and see what happened. I had been hanging on hoping but all the while knowing that this separation must play out and we must truly work out who we are and what is important in our lives.

For the past 29 years I have been in some sort of relationship. Never really been on my own and the thought of it terrifies me. But growth without pain is never the way of things. And to grow I guess I have to bleed a lot this time. And it still feels like I'm bleeding to death. There is such an empty feeling in my gut when I wake up in the mornings. But also a feeling deep down of hope. I have never been faced with so many options and choices, possibilities that boggle my mind. I watched a movie last night called "Meet Joe Black" with Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins.

The plot is about a highly successful media magnate who's time to die has come and death in the form of Brad Pitt decides to give him some extra time and to experience life on a human level. Death meets Anthony Hopkins characters daughter and falls in love with her and tells Hopkins character that he is going to take her as well. That is unacceptable to Hokins and he convinces death not to do it and death returns the Body of Bradd Pitts character to her the way he was when they first met and who she originally fell in love with.

It was like the movie was scripted for me. All I've felt like doing lately is just laying down and dying. I think materially I've been quite successful. I have a house, nice furniture, a big TV, a harley, basically all the trappings that make life comfortable. A steady income that allows me to live a comfortable lifestyle and it all adds up to nothing now I have no one to share it with and I'd give it all up just to have that connection with some one again.

I've read the posts above and I know the clearing through the forrest is there, and that there are many more good things in store. And that time heals all wounds no matter how deep. I wonder about destiny and the cosmic blueprint that I'm ever redrawing and adding to. I wonder about the two Jehovas Witnesses that just left after delivering their "message of hope" and about God's plan for humanity and the imminent return of Christ in these end times. I am not poking fun at them and who knows whats what in these strange days we live in. (It was nice to have someone to talk to. LOL)

So I keep putting one foot forward and walking the path that lays ahead, living in the moment because anything else is just too painful at the moment. One of my birthday presents was a 3 cubic metre mini skip and I will work in the garden this week and do my best to fill it up with garden trimmings and weeds. I will seek out friends and make phone calls just to alleviate the lonliness I'm feeling. And I will post here and hopefully continue to have meaningful discourse with my online friends and those beautiful strangers that happen by this place. And if I can make that some kind of meaningful connection with someone I will be happy.

Perhaps my next love will come from this place, unlikely, but who knows. I am looking and always open to the myriad possibilities that await everyday. Love shows up in the most unlikely of places and in the guise of the most unlikely people. And to share my life with someone that shares my love for BDSM would be a most excellent proposition.

So if my love is out there reading this, don't hesitate to send me a message - who knows what could develop. I am seeking...