Quote Originally Posted by Tojo View Post
Edit- one other thing springs to mind, that there's a perception that any guy should automatically know how to Dom someone. That's not the case at all, if a sub knows more it's up to them to 'take the lead' as it were. We all have to start somewhere, & I for one learnt a lot from a very experienced sub.
Yep... and any male sub is an immediate challenge to this perception. I tried to be a dominant once but even with a very experienced sub I was singularly useless at it because I was too nice - held back when I should have kept going for fear of hurting the sub (for all that she told me I wasn't hurting her enough) and also for fear of the responsibility of controlling someone's life in that very extreme way.

I think several posters on here may be right in that you may only be destined for kinky sex with this man. However, think of that as better than nothing and maybe, as Jeanne says, he may develop into one of the rare latent Doms. So, how about this:

Do the writing game and write about your fantasies. Promise to enact each other's fantasies at some point. In your fantasy, incorporate at least one of the toys you have hidden away. When he says 'we don't have one of those' tell him not to worry about it and produce it. Make sure you take this slowly so as not to scare him too much (you should know better than any how much he can take at present). Make sure that the experience is fun for both of you and that he is aware that carrying out your fantasy means he gets his as well. You can repeat this task several times, introducing a new toy each time, until you have an empty 'secret' toy bag and a full 'open' bag. Then you can start getting more toys

At all times, keep the communication open at all times. Safewords are a good idea in any play. I would suggest the traffic light system - green, amber and red for 'fine', 'a little uncomfortable but ok for now' and 'stop right now!'. This gives a graded response that indicates to him that he should slow down rather than stop every time you say the word. If you do safeword, don't forget it is not necessarily the end of the session. It could merely be time for a break and a chat (and a hug) to see if you are ok and maybe a chance to clean up a little before carrying on.