Euryleia's 4th Level Three Assignment

[Mad Lews]

OK I'm not a grammar nazi in real life but I've gotten dispensation to play one on the net. As I said you've done pretty good here but we want it polished up and tight as a drum head for reasons which I'll explain in a future PM

With a suddenness that put the security officers on high alert, a small group appeared in the grand entryway of the resort hotel.

OK needs a little work as a hook. You've started with the reaction then gone on to explain the action that caused it. Small group appears/(skip the where for now) It was so sudden that security does a double take/ then go on to describe where they are.

The soaring arches and columns seemed to dwarf everyone but them. Under the lighting of the chandeliers, the three women and one man seemed to almost glow.

Words like seemed, almost, nearly are weasel words. You don't really overuse them, it just seems that way when you repeat them that close together.

seemed to almost glow
is a split infinitive anyway how about a simple almost glowed

The youngest member of the group smoothed her hands down body, tightening her dress along her curves. In a breathy voice she asked, “And you’re sure we’ll find him here?”

you seem to be missing a her here, but you have three hers already in that sentence, might consider restructuring ...group ran her hands down her body,smoothing the dress that clung to her curves....

A passing bellhop was distracted by Mindy’s almost otherworldly beauty and tripped over a pile of luggage. When she smiled, a further six people crashed into one another and ended up on the marble floor.

Ah the poor bellhop, a very active visual with a passive tense verb, snap it up a little by going active. A passing bellhop, distracted by Mindy's beauty,...

If you really want six more accidents to prove your point drop the A further... and just do it. ...Six more people, blinded by ...

Looking at one another, the three women shrugged and walked through the opaque glass doors into the V Lounge. Shown to a table far from the bar, they sat down on the pale leather seats. After placing their drink orders, they began to intently study the other patrons.

Splitting the infinitive? They intently studied the bar's patrons might do just as well in a pinch.

Leaning forward, Harris peered into the deep blue, velvet-lined box and saw a golden orb. The warm yellow seemed to glow and his fingers itched to pick it up. When Brenda slammed the lid down, he guiltily jumped. Clearing his throat, Harris asked, “What do you want me to do?”

OK this is much better than the first try but it could still be pumped a little.
Show some visceral reaction here, eyes bulge at the golden orb, pulse races as he basks in the warm yellow glow then as he leans forward, fingers twitching, she slams the lid shut.

“We’ve decided you are the one who will solve our dilemma.”

“Exactly,” interjected Brenda. “You just give it to one of us and everyone will be happy.”

Scratching at the stubble on his neck, Harris studied the trio. They badly needed his help and that made him ask, “What’s in it for me?”

This is still a little out of the blue, give us his reasoning beyond simple greed, he isn't made out to be a bad guy yet, he's evolving for your readers so give them a reason to believe, just as the goddesses believed in him. He knew he was the right choice. If anyone, understood true value it was him. Still he wanted these three to understand value as well. " What's in it for me." and you've got him he's rationalizing and pissing off the powers that be all in one short paragraph.

As she spoke, Harris could feel his mind opening to absorb all sorts of information. His heart pounding at the thought of having all of the secrets of the world opened up to him. Teased with tantalizing clues about the Grand Unifying Theory and the JFK assignation, total enlightenment was within his grasp.

This is good, got the cerebral stimulus and some physical reaction we can relate too. Now you need to build so the next is stronger.

“Excellent.” Brenda sat forward and began to speak about the glory that could be his. She promised him success in all interactions and in every endeavor he choose. In business, he would be given the tools for consistently proposing a brilliant strategy or the perfect solution.

Always a driven man, his ambition was fired by the glory that could be his if he gave her the gift. From President of his company to President of the United States, his mind embraced the power she offered.

Ok, this is a little weaker, I’m not sure if she’s offering him success, glory, or power, three different routes of temptation. If it were me I’d stick to one and emphasize the power trip, then show his lust for power, the success and accolades it brings him, and finish up with some visceral reaction to her offer.

When Brenda stopped talking, Harris shook his head to clear it. He fought to calm his racing pulse and to focus on the remaining woman. Mindy’s large, luminous eyes immediately enraptured him.

Tilting her head so that her hair fell forward, she looked up coyly and blushed. Wiggling her shoulders, her skin tight dress shifted and gave Harris a tantalizing glimpse of her breasts.

“Mr. Harris,” she said. “Give me the prize in the box. In return, I will give you the gift of love. You will possess the most beautiful woman in the entire world, a woman equal to me in perfection. With her you will reach the greatest heights of lovemaking. Choose me and she will be yours.”

Her voice seemed to sing inside his head as visions of ecstasy danced in his mind. Harris did not even pause to reflect on his decision.

Awe come on, get us hot and bothered, (it's a guy thing) visions of vestal virgins. Imaginings of what they’d do to him and what he could do. He may not pause to think but his body reacts so show us. You can be a little subtle, flush don't blush, a throbbing pulse need not have too graphic a location but we need a better visual here. Of the three this is the climax of his downfall, He's not a villain he's a mortal pawn so we want to empathize a little, but also be aware of his mistake.

Brenda’s head tipped back as she laughed at loud. “Oh, my, you should see your face.”

“What does it all mean?”

“Come, now. Surely, you knew that there would be consequences?”

“But…” He looked back and forth from her to the fountain. “But I was only trying to help.”

“Were you really?” Sofia trailed her fingers through the water and smiled as the ghostly images broke and reformed. “You weren’t thinking of anything but your own pleasure. You are seeing the results. Your decision will be the ruin of all ( let's make this more personal, everyone you hold dear rather than all) you know and hold dear.”

OK the trap is closing,. He's still clueless but you want your reader to feel smarter than that.
try
"You weren't thinking at all. Well maybe thinking of your own pleasure..."

Oblivious, Harris smoothed back his hair. “How do I look?”

“You’re going to set the world on fire,” burbled Mindy. “Ready to meet your fate?”

“As I’ll ever hope to be.” He bounced on the balls of his feet. “Let’s do it.”

Gotta love a chump, much better ending than before. I might suggest one bit of a tweak.

He bounced on the balls of his feet is OK but he could be so much more involved with his doom if only,
Bouncing on the balls of his feet he took the first step. "Let's do it."

All in all a great job.
Mad Lews