im not sure it is just the fear factor, i mean fear does turn me on big time but that can be fear of anything whether its related to the past or not and mostly i can distinguish between the actual playing and the reality, though there are times that i become that little girl again and have a picture or a distant memory in my head (not sure which) and it is real,very real and yet while that might be frightening for some ...just taking a guess there...in a strange way while i am a little scared and can get a bit tearful its sort of comforting,its nothing like the fear when we play any 'fear' games

and strangely that only ever happens during more 'vanilla' type sex which is rare we do it because it doesnt really do anything for me in fact it can actually turn me cold and its more mechanical and im kind of not there than anything and lately there has been the odd occasion when afterwards its suddenly hit me a bit and for a shortwhile i can be a bit shaky and not even recognise Icehawk in the least even though it's his face i can see and his voice i can hear.

and it's never when we ageplay either which i would have thought if anything that would be the most likely 'trigger' of all.
i really dont know how to say what im saying here and its all a bit messy and jumbled up lol just rambling really i suppose sorry.