Sure, you can have it all. I think that you can have a normal vanilla relationship outside the bedroom and then have a kinky sexual relationship inside the bedroom. You will still get the respect that you need and deserve. And if you decided to go all out for a D/s relationship you will still get the respect, love, caring, etc. that you need and deserve. I have that with my marriage to my Master. I already went through an abusive vanilla marriage where I was a complete doormat and was physically, verbally and emotionally abused. So once I got out of that I told myself that my next relationship would be nothing like that. And it isn't. Yes, I love pain and humiltation as much as the next sub, but I get respect and love and caring and empathy and everything else from my Master.

So yes, I would say that you can have the relationship that you want. You can be vanilla to the rest of the world and kinky to only your SO. Or you can be kinky to the rest of the world and to your SO. Every D/s relationship is different. One sub might want to be degraded and made to feel like an object 24/7, while another one only wants that during sessions with her Master. Another might want to be controlled 24/7, while another for only limited periods of time. The list goes on and no one's relationship is "better" or "more D/s" than anyone else's. It all depends on what you and your SO want for your relationship.