victims of abuse support for submissives

[stripedangel]

Yes!! LOL! That's how Master and i began our relationship! The story is around here somewhere, we told each other everything...........ALL OF IT! We had both been drinking and could have been tipsy, and we both cried sitting there in a news station parking lot waiting for a friend of his who was needing a ride home. There are folks that you can trust...it's just a matter of finding the right ones.


xxxx

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by newslave:
Does this happen to anyone else?

Well yes, I often get drunk and cry. lol

But seriously, I have a hard time trusting others, too. But it was easy here not because it's the internet and anonymous. What makes it easy is that here for the first time I met folks who know from experience what I'm talking about. They allowed me to see that it is time for me to move on with my life and not let my past hold me back. And the great thing is that I have an opportunity to do the same for them.

We talk about support, but it's really about giving and getting support that helps us all the most. When we give and get we find ourselves in the best position to heal. If we only try to help others and hold ourselves apart we cannot heal because we will not allow ourselves to do it.

You are not alone in this. There are more stories here than you can imagine. As you hang around you will learn to see things differently, and to see the opportunities to give and to get.

[crazy_grrluk]

It's good advices for ladies.
We have all read similar advices but read them again, there might be some new ones.




Through a Rapist's Eyes (No Joke)

This is important information for females of ALL ages.

When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends, but I forwarded it to almost everyone in my address book. My men friends have female friends and this information is too important to miss someone.
Please pass it along.

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around specifically to cut clothing.

3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse, or doing other activities while walking because they are off-guard and can be easily overpowered.

4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5:00 a.m. And 8:30 a.m.

5)! The num ber one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots. Number two: Are office parking lots/garages. Number three: Are public restrooms.


6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.


7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.


8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.


9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.

Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.

10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: 'I can't believe it is so cold out here,' 'we're in for a bad winter.' Now you've seen their face and c! ould ide n tify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target.

11) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell STOP or STAY BACK! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes), yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.


13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY VERY HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it - it hurts.

14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. &nb sp; ;You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble and he's out of there.


15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts!!!

You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

! 3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot or parking garage:

A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! &nbs! p;The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, preferably in a zigzag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP! It may get you raped or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well-educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well

[gemmy]

great advice, all of it hun - thank you!

[crazy_grrluk]

i recieved it in an email today from a friend

[stripedangel]

Wow, cg, info worth reading! That's one of the best posts i've seen in a long time.

Thanks!!!

[butterflySlave4u]

Excellent, excellent, excellent!!

[denuseri]

cg that was just awsome i hope we all take it to heart here, i know i do


i only have one more thing to add,, its mainly for people that are going to meet someone from online for the first time

i didnt do the following and it was a serious contributing factor to what happened to me;


1)Allways have a responsible (real life not online)third party that yu trust available to monitor from a distance your encounter that yu must contact in person (if contact by phone then have a pre arranged "trouble" word) by a certian time or they will call the cops for yu etc,,

2) do not go anywhere with the perspective dom without letting yur contact know the location, address etc

3) have prearanged times, set them in stone like a hard limit and its ok to explain that these times cant be broken to the person your meeting,, that way they will know you are not a good "abduction" canadate

4) keep yur responsible party contact long after the inital meeting,, gradually relaxing the standards until you really know the person, for instance: with me it was a few days allmost a full week before "bad" things started to happen and i realized i was in way over my head with no hope of escape (i recomend a month or two at least)

5) never allow yur emergency contact to be in the perspective doms presence with you, if he has bad intentions you may both end up in trouble

6) dont let yur gaurd down just because its a woman, or he has a woman with him when you meet,, belive it or not she may be an willing or perhaps not so willing accomplance. (which was the case for me)

7) last but not least "take your time and think things through" you may really like the person and be head over heels from the time yu have spent with him or her online, which may cloud your judgement big time,, dont rush,, be careful be safe first,

If they resent these limitations or complain about them (if they know there in place), then perhaps they have some issues you need to carefully think about before making a further comitment to them.

Eventually if they are the Mr or Mrs "right" for you they will earn you trust with time and more than likely will be fine with your extra saftey percautions because if they really do care they will want yu to feel safe.


In addition to this the more people know about your relationship to this person the better, a lot of the above can also be handeled with a "group" of people supporting yu, heck if yu can, meet he or she with a group of yur friends present the first couple times, the more people know thier face address job etc etc the better.

[Mr.FixIt]

He sounds like an extremely insecure person. It's sad in a way. but if he was less obnoxious his family might want to help him. As it is his actions keep everyone at arms length, which he may be doing on purpose (and maybe unconsciously) to somehow protect himself from whatever it is he is afraid of.

You are correct ashton. Within the last couple of years, I discovered, from my mother that, as a child my father was raped by an older boy in Brazil. This discovery confirmed for me what I already suspected--We all have some skeleton in our collective closets. and none of us is alone!

[Arria]

I´d like to add my 2 cents here. They originate from the time when I was very young, lived in a small village without public transport, and did a lot of hitchhiking.
I´d like to point out that the family I lived with was well-known in the area, and it was typical for the village inhabitants to pick up hitchhiking youngsters because they did the same before they got their own driving licence. However, there were times and places where I joined the cars of complete strangers.
I also spoke about my experiences with the Dom who later introduced me to the lifestyle together with his lady, which was a great help for me.

First of all, don´t hitch-hike unless you really have to, of course :-)
1. Don´t tell where you want to go - first ask where the driver is heading. If that is your direction, you can join. This way you avoid to be captured by some guy who will just tell you what you want to hear, and then go somewhere else (like into the next dark wood, yes).
2. Upon entering the car, do NOT show fear of contact! Look him in the eye, speak clearly, don´t twitch or pull back your hand if it happens to touch his when you buckle your seat bealt.
3. This piece of advice came from a guy who used to do a lot of hitch-hiking himself. The ride with him proved to be the most entertaining :-) He said, do not answer any questions the driver asks you honestly. It is not his business what your name or occupation or place of living is. Tell him fairy tales. If you´re not good at stand-up lies, prepare a story that you can tell at such occasions.
4. Contrary to what we are told so often: Don´t cover your whole body with clothes. I tested various clothing styles and found that I got the really obtrusive come-ons when I dressed the most decently. This does not mean you should make yourself look cheap! Just show you are aware of your body. The aforementioned Dom explained to me that a woman who obviously is aware of her body and the reactions it may cause means TROUBLE if someone is trying to take advantage of her. Meaning she will know what to expect, and will have means to fight back.
5. Do NOT carry a weapon (e.g. knife) unless you REALLY know how to use it! A potential attacker will very likely take it from you and use it against you. Pepper spray might be a better thing, but it could be problematic if used in a closed space like a car.
6. If you feel uncomfortable in any way with the person whose car you are in, GET OUT, if need be at the next gas station!
7. Make sure your driver knows you are expected within a certain timeframe, and if you don´t turn up, people will be looking for you. (This is even easier today, as everybody has a mobile... my hitchhiking times were before the mobile era).
8. Never ever let the guy take you to your doorstep, NO MATTER how trustworthy he might appear! Get out of the car a few streets away from the place where you are really going, and MAKE SURE (!) that he drives away before you go in your planned direction.
9. If you get any indecent offers (and you will get them - many men seem to believe if a girl gets a ride, she will be willing to give a "ride" in return...), decline firmly but politely. If he does not give up his attempts, GET OUT at the next occasion!
10. Avoid at all costs to appear scared. It gives them the feeling they are in control.
11. And here is one for the smart-asses who tell girls only to join cars where the driver is a woman, or where a woman is also in the car: That doesn´t happen.
I have taken approximately 200 hitchhiking rides, and the ONLY time a woman driver stopped for me was because she mistook me for her daughter.
As for the couples in cars: The guys usually look friendly, the ladies beside them look usually VERY poisonous. Especially if you are younger and prettier than themselves.

As for denuseri´s former post: I think some of those precautions should be taken by vanilla girls meeting vanilla guys. It´s not like the weirdos were to be found only among the BDSM folks...

Kind regards
Arria

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by Mr. FixIt:
We all have some skeleton in our collective closets. and none of us is alone!

What happened to seems to explain the intensity of his religious fervor. But I wonder if he is preaching at the perpetrator for doing it, or himself for letting it happen.

As to your last comment, for years I thought I was alone. When I found this place I found I wasn't. Still haven't gotten used to it yet but it feels pretty good.

[stripedangel]

What happened to seems to explain the intensity of his religious fervor. But I wonder if he is preaching at the perpetrator for doing it, or himself for letting it happen.

As to your last comment, for years I thought I was alone. When I found this place I found I wasn't. Still haven't gotten used to it yet but it feels pretty good.

Master's father was the son of a Baptist Minister. Their reason for being in Brazil was missionary work, and Master's father's first language was Portugese. He was 6 months old when they went to Brazil and he was 16 when they came back to the US.

Since Master's parents' divorce about 4 years ago, this man has renounced his faith. i don't know if he has been attending church lately, as we rarely hear from him, or anyone from Master's family.

Yes, absolutely, it is so easy to feel alone. i too am happy to have found this site and these people...and i'm happy that Master has a venue for his healing as well.

xxx

[newslave]

From a Website....

The crime of date rape is becoming more and more prevalent. Fortunately,
extensive media coverage of this crime and so called date rape drugs have made women more vigilant and aware of this potential threat. Still, despite increased awareness, the number of these incidents continues to climb.

Parties, bars and night clubs are prime breeding grounds for acts of violence, assault and rape. With this in mind, these simple safety tips are important to keep in mind and pass along.


-Always get your own drink, and watch it being poured.
-Never leave your drink unattended. If you need to use the restroom and can't take it with you, leave it with a trusted friend-not a new date!
-If your drink tastes funny, do not drink it and dispose of it so no one else does.
-Keep in mind that most drugs used to spike a drink are colorless and tasteless, so not allowing your drink out of your sight is paramount.
-Be aware of how your friends are acting. If they seem more "out of it" than usual, be very wary and keep an eye out for them.


When it's time to leave, you may have met someone you are interested in. Ask yourself if you really trust this person. Can you be sure they won't make you do anything you don't want to do? Are you confident they will take NO for an answer?

If you've asked yourself these questions and still want to leave with this person, be sure to introduce them to friends and let your friends know you are leaving with them.

So you've left with this person and you're now in a new location. You could be in a car, your home, their home, the beach, or some other secluded spot. You could even be a consenting participant in a heavy "make out" session. But things are moving too fast, the person's making you uncomfortable, or you've just simply changed your mind.

At no point is it ever too late to say NO. Say it firmly and repeat it louder if you need to.

Hopefully, you were right when you asked yourself if you could trust this person, that they wouldn't make you do anything you didn't want to do, and that they'd take NO for an answer. Unfortunately, despite a person's best efforts, it's possible to find yourself with somebody who has fooled you horribly and isn't going to take NO for an answer. This is NOT your fault. However, you do need to act to ensure your safety. If screaming for help or fleeing are not viable options, you need to defend yourself.

I could discuss many self-defense tactics or possible weapons, but for this particular topic, I'd like to tell you about one particular item that can be perfect for a situation where date rape seems imminent. It's a pepper spray disguised as a lipstick. A potential attacker is likely to drop their guard if you switch gears from resisting to saying you'd like to freshen your lipstick. His posture will relax when he sees you reach into your purse and come out with nothing but the aforementioned lipstick. But, the attractive case he sees packs a potent pepper spray. It holds twenty half-second sprays with a range of 10 feet. While your potential attacker is temporarily blinded and in excruciating pain, you have given yourself ample time to escape and go for help.



I searched all around to try to find better lists to prevent date rape, because I hear that the majority of rape is with someone that the woman knows...but it really looks like the ways to prevent it are slim.

For me it wasn't a guy in an alley, or an (I thought) unsafe place, it was a guy that I knew, that I met at church camp and thought that I could trust, a guy who is probably a youth pastor now. I wasn't drunk or under any influences other than senses dulled from sleep. I hadn't been partying, we never made out, I didn't even know that he liked me. I wasn't prepared because I didn't think I needed to be...we were never meant to be alone. I could've learned all of this and I don't think it would have been the same...

(Love)
New

[stripedangel]

Male Sexual Abuse/Rape

http://www.aest.org.uk/index.html

Found this site, but wanted to post this part in here ...

A sexual assault is any time either a stranger, or someone you know, touches any parts of your body in a sexual way, directly or through clothing, when you do not want it. Sexual assault includes situations when you cannot say no because you are drunk, high, unconscious, or have a disability.

Rape is any kind of sexual assault that involves the forced penetration of the anus or mouth, by a penis or other object. This may not be the legal definition of where you live but it fits to a large extent. There are other definitions that may fit better for you, and that is OK as well, if you feel like you were raped then you probably were.

Rape, and sexual assault, are not about sex, even though they may they feel like it, they are violent crimes against another person. Rape and sexual assault, like any other forms of violence, are used to exert power AND control over another person, yet for males it can cause all sorts of problems, guilt and shame. Many feel that rape is just not suppose to happen to males, but all to often it does happen.

Most cases of male rape tend to go unreported even though they are often far more physically violent than the rape of females. There are several reasons for this, and we shall have a look at some of them soon. Rape is widely accepted as a crime of violence, and is not as such a sexual crime. The anger, violence, hatred and fear are acted out sexually as a way of dehumanizing the victim to a point where the rapist no longer has to care about you as a person. Invariably the rapist will tell you that it is your fault in some way, and although the mixture of words and violence can be a powerful way of brain washing, it is only that; brain washing. NO ONE deserves to be raped, same as no one deserves to be abused as a child or an adult.

Males CAN freeze when afraid and can thus be totally unable to protect themselves. This is especially true when been raped and afraid for your life, just as it is when you are young and been abused. It does NOT matter if the rest of the time you get into fights and usually win, when you are under that much fear it is totally understandable if you froze, and is NOT a sign of weakness. Rapists and abusers sometimes use threats or weapons to force a person to cooperate. It is important to bear in mind that cooperation does not mean consent. Sometimes cooperating with a rapist is essential to survive the situation. If you are sexually assaulted or raped, it is never your fault - you are not accountable for the actions of others.

Male rape can causes problems to do with sexuality. It is almost inevitable that on having a penis inserted into the rectum, that the victim would gain an erection. This is caused purely by an automatic reaction of the body, due to stimulation of the prostate gland, and the male "G" spot. Even if the victim ejaculates, it is only to be expected. Irrespective of being heterosexual, bisexual or gay, it should not be taken to mean that you enjoyed the experience. (see Myths and facts about male rape )

Getting an erection is one of the main reasons that male rape goes unreported so often. If the victim is heterosexual, they fear that they will be accused of being gay. If the victim is gay, they think getting an erection will be taken as them "asking for it". Either way, getting an erection can be a cause of shame to may males who are raped, and do not understand that it is purely the way the human body is designed. However, most Police stations (in the UK) now have a Victim Liaison Officer, who is used to dealing with abused or raped people, and is trained to be sensitive to the needs of the victim. Now that male rape is accepted in law as rape, rather than assault, males now have the same protection in court as females in having there names protected (in the UK).

Many men, unfortunately, find it easier to blame themselves than accept that they could be overpowered and raped. Men are taught from an early age that they should be strong and able to protect themselves. Unfortunately, that is as much a myth as Father Christmas, but we all believed in him when we were young. The shame and guilt is similar to that of childhood sexual abuse, and often a survivor of childhood sexual abuse will find they seem to find themselves in situations where they are re-victimised in later life.

REASONS FOR SHAME AND GUILT

The myth that men are suppose to be able to protect themselves.

The myth that men can not be a victim.

Got an erection, possibly ejaculated.

The myth that only gay people get raped.

Unable to accept how afraid you were, possibly for your life.

Self blame for not being able to stop the rape.


.

REASONS FOR NOT REPORTING THE RAPE, OR GETTING HELP.

Guilt, Shame, Self-blame. Fear of not being believed.
Fear of being accused of being gay. If gay, been accused of "asking for it".
Fear of ridicule in court, and / or newspapers. Fear of reprisals from the rapist.
Males less used to talking about emotions than females. Fear of what friends or family will think.
Thinking you are the only one it has happened to.

Although, everyone reacts differently to surviving such an assault, there are some common symptoms and reactions.

PROBLEMS CAUSED BY RAPE

Fear of going out due to being unable to protect yourself. Being unable to trust people, especially males.
Nightmares. Flashbacks.
Panic attacks. Depression.
Sexual dysfunction. Drink / drug problems.
Eating disorders Self hate.
Fear of HIV infection. suicidal thoughts and behavior
Questioning sexuality. Questioning ones manliness.
Withdrawal from relationships
Feeling of loss of control



As you can see from the above list, some of the effects are similar to childhood sexual abused, and if you have been a victim of both, then life can become extremely difficult. However, there are differences, many because of your age, the amount of violence used, fear of being killed, etc. Unlike childhood sexual abuse, where no one could reasonably expect to protect him or herself, adult male rape raises the big question of "why did I not stop it happening?" This was a question that I personally had a lot of problems trying to find an answer to.

I was 37 years old, and the person who raped me was only 24 years old, ex-army and physically much stronger than me. (See I still have to justify it to my self sometimes). The rape took place in my own home, after been violently beaten up for a period of over four and a half hours, more on than off. During that time, there were short periods of time that I was alone in the room and latter thought that I could have escaped, but instead I froze. It took a long time for me to accept that it is understandable to freeze when faced with a situation where I was convinced I would end up dead and had no control over the situation. Had I of attempted to escape, whilst in a state of shock I would not of got very far, and that would of pushed my attacker into a corner where he would of been more likely to kill me. There was nothing in reality that I could have done apart from give in to him. I wrote down every thing that I thought I could have done, but when I worked out what my attacker would have done, the outcome would have been worse.

Another reason that I gave into the situation was that I had taken as much physical pain as I could. That does not make me a coward, it just means that I was realistic. I would have done anything to stop the pain. The fact that I had been abused as a child also meant that, by being raped, I was at least in a situation that was more familiar than been violently beaten. Which ever way I look at the incident I no longer blame myself for what happened, or the things that happened in the 10 weeks before the police moved him out of my house. I did what ever I had to do too physically survive the events, and had I not I would probably not be alive now. Sure I wish it had not of happened, but it did, I can not change it, and I now have to move on. Three years later I still find it hard to sleep on a night in the dark, even though the house is now alarmed. I still have nightmares, though they are getting less frequent. I sleep in a different bedroom. I have moved all the furniture around and redecorated. Basically I have done all that I can so that I do not have constant reminders in my house. Whilst I do not think anyone can totally recover from being raped, things do improve in time. The hardest part was to stop blaming myself, but with the help of two good therapists I eventually managed to accept that I was not to blame. I hope that you too will be able to let go of the self blame yourself, as you did not deserve to be raped and you do not deserve the blame either.

[stripedangel]

An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior.
Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay...:

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?

THE PROCESS OF BRAINWASHING (MIND CONTROL)

1. The brainwasher keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are taking place.

Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or not tell you what his plans are until the last minute. He may talk about you to others behind your back, to isolate you from them.

2. The brainwasher controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to suppress much of the victim's old behavior. The victim is slowly, or abruptly, isolated from all supportive persons except the brainwasher.

Your partner might have insisted that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. You might have gotten moved to a new location, farther away from your family and friends. Or you may have been asked (or told) to reduce or stop contact with specific supportive people in your life.

3. The brainwasher creates in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and dependency.

Verbal and emotional abuse creates these emotions, and they become stronger and stronger over time.

4. The brainwasher works to instill new behavior and attitudes in the victim.

Your partner trains to you behave in ways that he wants you to behave. He gradually makes you feel differently about yourself, and erodes your confidence in yourself.

5. The brainwasher puts forth a closed system of logic, and allows no real input or criticism.

Cycle of Abuse

Phase 1 - TENSION BUILDING:
Tension increases, breakdown of communication, victim feels need to placate the abuser.

Phase 2 - INCIDENT:
Verbal and emotional abuse. Anger, blaming, arguing. Threats. Intimidation.

Phase 3 - RECONCILIATION:
Abuser apologizes, gives excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occurred, or says it wasn't as bad as the victim claims.

Phase 4 - CALM:
Incident is "forgotten", no abuse is taking place.

COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS

* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.

* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.

* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.

* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.

* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.

* He has low self-esteem.

* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.

* He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much. He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.

* He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.

* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.

* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he's angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often his mother

[stripedangel]

Found this on the net, it fits my ex husband and the subsequent boyfriend...

If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn.
If you're quiet, he argues with you anyway.
If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy.
If he calls you, he thinks you should be grateful.
If you don't act like you love him, he'll try to win you over.
If you tell him you love him, he takes advantage of you.
If you dress sexy, he says you're a slut.
If you don't dress nice, he says you look bad.
When you don't sleep with him, he says you don't love him.
If you do sleep with him, he only does it the way he likes it.
If you tell him your problems, he says you're bothering him,
If you don't, he says you don't trust him.
If you try to bring up a problem, he says you're bitching.
If he brings up a problem, he yells.
If you break a promise, you "can't be trusted".
If he breaks it, it's because "he had to".
If you cheat, he wants to punish you by locking you up or beating you.
If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance

[denuseri]

WOW stripey hugs sis,, you are a brave one, and i commend all the time and reaserch you have done to make all these very informative posts,,big time personal thanks sis luv ya bunches boo


I would like to announce that the next chat meeting for abuse survivors is Saterday the 28th of June, between the hours of noon and midnight or there abouts standard centeral time, Members of the abuse support sanctuary may check in there for the password all others feel free to contact by pm eiather myself, MysteriousFun, or striped angel for the private chat rooms password on that day.

Thanku hugs and kissess

[stripedangel]

i don't believe all of it fits us here in the BDSM community, but i believe it's all good to know.....and some of it is really pertinent to the lifestyle.


i have seen others posting things that they have experience with or have researched, and i think it's a good idea to do this. You find things out for yourself, and have the opportunity to share it...bonus! Thanks y'all...i learned some shit! LOL

Huggles

[Mr.FixIt]

COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS

* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.

* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.

* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.

* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.

* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.

* He has low self-esteem.

* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.

* He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much. He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.

* He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.

* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.

* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he's angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often his mother

A lot of this (except for the last one) made me question myself.

[Mr.FixIt]

Found this on the net, it fits my ex husband and the subsequent boyfriend...

If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn.
If you're quiet, he argues with you anyway.
If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy.
If he calls you, he thinks you should be grateful.
If you don't act like you love him, he'll try to win you over.
If you tell him you love him, he takes advantage of you.
If you dress sexy, he says you're a slut.
If you don't dress nice, he says you look bad.
When you don't sleep with him, he says you don't love him.
If you do sleep with him, he only does it the way he likes it.
If you tell him your problems, he says you're bothering him,
If you don't, he says you don't trust him.
If you try to bring up a problem, he says you're bitching.
If he brings up a problem, he yells.
If you break a promise, you "can't be trusted".
If he breaks it, it's because "he had to".
If you cheat, he wants to punish you by locking you up or beating you.
If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance

All of this relieved my concerns about myself!

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by Mr. FixIt:
A lot of this (except for the last one) made me question myself.

And that's what makes me not question you!

I think it's more common for abusers not to question themselves on this point. If they did it would prove that they are not always right.

(Be careful about showing your soft side too much in public. Some day when you pick up a nasty looking paddle and shake it at someone all you're going to get is a giggle and a big "whoa!" lol)

ps
it was really hard to type that last comment with a straight face.

[Mr.FixIt]

As tempting as it is for me to boast of my paddle wielding skills right now, I will refrain from doing so, so as not to derail the thread. lol

[slaveangel{HM}]

Found this on the net, it fits my ex husband and the subsequent boyfriend...

If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn.
If you're quiet, he argues with you anyway.
If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy.
If he calls you, he thinks you should be grateful.
If you don't act like you love him, he'll try to win you over.
If you tell him you love him, he takes advantage of you.
If you dress sexy, he says you're a slut.
If you don't dress nice, he says you look bad.
When you don't sleep with him, he says you don't love him.
If you do sleep with him, he only does it the way he likes it.
If you tell him your problems, he says you're bothering him,
If you don't, he says you don't trust him.
If you try to bring up a problem, he says you're bitching.
If he brings up a problem, he yells.
If you break a promise, you "can't be trusted".
If he breaks it, it's because "he had to".
If you cheat, he wants to punish you by locking you up or beating you.
If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance

Oh wow......sighs

[newslave]

I hate that I can't get into chat right now....I want to be in there.

[Greybeard_69]

I'd just like to start off with the fact that no woman deserves to be treated with abuse and No should be respected as No. secondly verbal and emotional abuse is as serious and sometimes more serious, as their scars and damage is easily hidden from those around them which can lead to them not getting the help they need as early as possible.

Any action between a man an a woman is consensual, if its not then its rape , assault, or any other charges that the police can bring to bare. This can never be understated or over said, nor should it be tolerated, by Dom or Sub.
This said the other point is the victim must be believed, or they don't have a chance to survive.

Too those of you that have under gone abuse, hugs an my heart goes out to you.

My mother went out with a guy, he broke her collar bone an put stitches in her head on another occasion. The funny thing was, he was one of the nicest people you could meet, from what I saw he was good to mum an my little brother. when mum showed me her stitches, I didn't want to believe her. My brother saw it but was too young and had a hearing problem that affected his speech and was hard to understand. My sister and I lived with my Dad. It also went on for 5 years untill she picked him up from his hotel room to take him to work (he had lost his license dui driving under the influence) and found him in bed with another woman. Funny how that will do it every time, Grins.

[yourlilslave86]

i have suffered from abuse i just have kept quiet and on the wall about it. I am not sure how much it will help to share my experience because i have done a lot of therapy for it and realized it isnt my fault.

my mom was in an abusive relationship with my father and left him. it ended when he started stalking her online. my mom was brave and left him when i was 15. she has grown a lot since then. i do not blame her for leaving him.

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by Greybeard_69:
I'd just like to start off with the fact that no woman deserves to be treated with abuse

Maybe you didn't mean it this way Greybeard, but men and boys can be victims of abuse. And women can be abusers, as was the case for me.

Also, I would like to mention that abuse does not always have to be sexual in nature.

[Rowen]

i have suffered from abuse i just have kept quiet and on the wall about it. I am not sure how much it will help to share my experience because i have done a lot of therapy for it and realized it isnt my fault.

my mom was in an abusive relationship with my father and left him. it ended when he started stalking her online. my mom was brave and left him when i was 15. she has grown a lot since then. i do not blame her for leaving him.

Girl, sharing or not is all up to you. For some people it can help to get it of their chest - even more so if they can do it to people they won't see at work next day or at the next party. They should share.. Then there are those that prefer to keep it to themselves. They still can share, but should feel compelled to do.

Don't know the specifics of your situation, but indeed your mom was brave to leave your father, for that action you should be proud of her.
You were a kid when this happened, so you are not to blame. Never.

[Rowen]

Maybe you didn't mean it this way Greybeard, but men and boys can be victims of abuse. And women can be abusers, as was the case for me.

Also, I would like to mention that abuse does not always have to be sexual in nature.

Glad you mention this, Ashton. In fact, the "non-physical"abuse can be far more devious and devastiting. There are no easy visible signs like scars or bruises. Many times it is diguised as "upbringing" or "discipining" meanwhile terrorizing the victim with demaening and degrading remarks, or simply ignoring the victim until he or she acts as demanded.
Still wondering why some people are soooo eager to please, why some people never dare to say no, always accept even the most unfair judgements, always accept the unpopular tasks?

Worst of all, especially when parents do this (and mothers are so d*man good at it) the victim incorperates those thougts of being useless, no good, unworrthy, filthy, sinful, you name it as long as it is not positive.

This way children can become maimed for the rest of their lives without a single scar, without a single time of beating, without a single intervention or even notification by police, school or doctors. They are simply those "wierd kids" nobody understands and shouldn't complain. They should just act normal and then everything will be OK. After all, they didn't even get a single beating, their parents didn't divorce, daddy wasn't a drunk, so why should they complain?

When you meet such a "strange kid" or "wierd coworker" just think about the above before judgement

[butterflySlave4u]

Maybe you didn't mean it this way Greybeard, but men and boys can be victims of abuse. And women can be abusers, as was the case for me.

Also, I would like to mention that abuse does not always have to be sexual in nature.

this is my 5th attempt at a reply to this quote....i'll make it brief.

the comment made here by Greybeard69 was in reference to His MOTHER, hence the comment was gender specific. it was in SUPPORT of us, people, it wasn't meant to be a slight.