victims of abuse support for submissives

[ashtonDs]

Greybeard69,

I didn't take it as a slight. I seemed like a general comment and I tried to make a gentle reminder. Sorry to hear about your mom.

butterflySlave4u,

Thanks for the clarification.

[stripedangel]

We all have our touchy spots...

i'm sure that we can all understand that we all have differing circumstances. We must also try and understand that each person's perspective comes from their respective circimstances, and this isn't a thread for one type of abuse over another...

It is my practice to simply read the emotion in each post rather than the wording. Just the facts, lol. i, for one, have great difficulty articulating what i intend to convey when i am emotional, so when i post in here, it might not come out like i hope.

xxxxxxx

[crazy_grrluk]

can i just add something here.

whatever the stories remember that something might just be a "trigger" for another person... which could result is a relapse for that person

[denuseri]

wow cg thanks for bringing up triggers

dealing with "triggers" was one of the topics we discussed in the last private chat room meeting,

possible triggers for survivors have a very very wide range and vary from individual to individual based on thier own experiences with just about as many different ways of dealing with them, yet "deal" with them we must one way or another

heck a few nights ago in the lobby someone mentioned removing teeth and it provoked a deep response in myself, i had to log out and go collect myself

i am certian they had no idea that thier statement was going to effect me the way it did, it certianly wasnt thier fault i had difficulty with something like that

some triggers are so mundane to the perspective of others they are not aware of nor even begin to expect that you may be experiencing difficulty becuase of them

[Arria]

I´d like to point out that everyone can have triggers without being aware of them. Even people with no abusive background whatsoever. Or it might be something no one ever did to you before. Even if it is done by your loved one, it can be a trigger.
For a gay friend of mine, it was being slapped.
For me, it was getting spit in the face.
Sometimes you hate the triggering action so much you avoid it at all costs.
Sometimes you start to include it into very intense play sessions.
It´s your feelings and your decision.

I used to think only things which had happened to a person before, especially in an unwilling context, could turn out as triggers. It is not so.
This is for the Doms out there who happen to stumble over a trigger and feel bad about it... it´s not your fault.

[newslave]

My day is coming up....my main trigger...and I wish there was more that I could do to get it out of my head...

[denuseri]

newslave:

consentrate on your goal my sister, if this is the test you have placed before yourself, rember your duty to yourself, to thrive in your submission, your task to be strong, you have survived far worse than this, you are brave and you are loved.

rember that you are not alone, your other sisters are here for you.

hugs and kissess boo, my prayers go with you in your time of need

as allways i shall help in any way i can

[ashtonDs]

I'm dealing with some crapola right now and it's really got me down. How do some of you deal with your abuser(s)?

Several people have told me that I have to forgive my abuser. Right now I don't think it's possible. What I am trying to do is to let it go, to release it, so it doesn't rule my life like it once did.

Maybe at some point in the future I'll be able to say I forgive her. The problem is, the person she abused is a fourth grader in her classroom a long time ago. On top of that she never saw a reason to ask for forgiveness because she doesn't see what she did as wrong.

[kuriousnature]

Hello all,
I have been reading this thread for a while and am feeling compelled to share a bit of my story. For me there have been 3 major incidents. When i was younger my older brother molested me for about 3 years. i never told anyone not even my parents. Currently we have no relationship to speak of and i had completely blocked the memories until about 10 years ago. i was living in a foreign country and was raped by a friend of mine on my brithday. This person stole my virginity from me and has made what is supposed to be a very special day every year a nightmare. Unfortunately, i thought that i had found the one. He knew all of my history and before we were married he treated me like a princess. He had swept me off my feet. On the second day of the honeymoon it was like everything changed. He became very controlling. This is not a BDSM relationship. He is very jealous and quick to anger. He often will take his anger out on me. i really would like to get out of this marriage, but i trusted him and he has control over all finances etc.
i appreciate the support that is here on these boards. i am working with some friends to try and make it possible for me to be able to leave when the time is right. But i worry what will happen to me.
i want to thank all of those survivors on these boards for all of the love and understanding that they have. And thank you for creating a space to share.

[denuseri]

it is very brave of you to share your story with us, i hope all will turn out well for you

i dont know what country yu are in sis, but here there are outreach programs for battered and or abused that help wemon get away from thier abusers, yu may also consider documenting any abuse that has or is occuring for later use in legal proceedings etc,

your first consern should be your imedieate saftey, i will pray for you sis

[kuriousnature]

I am in the US and ironically i worked as a play therapist in a domestic violence agency for 6 years.

[Euryleia]

I am in the US and ironically i worked as a play therapist in a domestic violence agency for 6 years.

It is more than irony. There are plenty of people out there who are educated in domestic violence and rape who still find it happening to them. We think, "Aren't I supposed to know better? How could I get myself in that position?"

And that is exactly what they want us to do--they want us to feel that it is our fault. The blame is on them, though. No matter what we did--we never asked to be abused or raped. It doesn't matter that we smiled politely as we walked by a crowd, or stayed late at a party, or invited him in for a drink or to fix our leaking faucet. It doesn't matter if we dated or married our abuser. It doesn't matter that we sought attention from our teacher or coach or uncle. It is not our fault!

They are the abusers and it is they who have violated our trust, our bodies and our psyches.

[kuriousnature]

Many of my friends have gotten upset with me for not leaving because "i should know better". However, they do no understand what it takes to leave.. Thank you for the support and the concern, you really are all sisters in this battle, and i hope that some day your courage will rub off when the timing is right. i remind myself every morning when i am blessed to wake up that no matter what horrors the day may hold; i will be ok, i will survive, and one day i will leave..

[denuseri]

it must be a very hard thing to do for you kurious

hugggs, i hope all goes well

[newslave]

Kurious, thank you so much for sharing, and I wish you all the best. I know it can be hard to leave, but it is such an important step that you know that you should, that you can when the time is right. And it is so wonderful what you do for other women. I hope that you find a special person that can help you as you help others. Plenty of hugs to you and all the support you need!!

[Selash]

*pulls a chair into the room and sits down*

I have never been abused.. but I am here to hear, and to learn and to understand. I want to help the woman I love. I want to be her strength and her rock. I want to learn and understand everything I can, so I can be everything she needs.

Thank you all for sharing yourselves like this.. If anyone ever needs an ear, Mine is always open.


Selash.

[Kuskovian]

Wellcome to the club Selash.

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by Selash:
If anyone ever needs an ear

That's the first step right there, listening with love, without judgement or accusation.

[denuseri]

Wellcome to this thread Selash, Ash couldnt have said it better. we are allways available to help you in any way, hugs and kissess

[Selash]

*offers hug to those that want them and huggles to those that need them, and a deep passionate kiss to My pup*

I would love any help that can be give to Me, and I want to freely give any help I can.

[suchaminx]

I can't believe I have missed this thread!

I would like to echo Selash - I am fortunate not to have been abused but I feel for all of you who have. I too can always listen and my pm box is open.

~hugs~ for you all

minxy x

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I'm dealing with some crapola right now and it's really got me down. How do some of you deal with your abuser(s)?

Several people have told me that I have to forgive my abuser. Right now I don't think it's possible. What I am trying to do is to let it go, to release it, so it doesn't rule my life like it once did.

Maybe at some point in the future I'll be able to say I forgive her. The problem is, the person she abused is a fourth grader in her classroom a long time ago. On top of that she never saw a reason to ask for forgiveness because she doesn't see what she did as wrong.

I deal with my abuser by not dealing with him. I haven't seen him in 10 years. I have no idea where he is. He could be in prison (which is very likely) or he could be six feet under (which is also very likely). But I still have nightmares about him and had one just last week in fact. I will still say something to Master that will imply that He will hurt me in some way, and He has to gently remind me that He is not my ex.

Will I ever be able to forgive him? I honestly don't know. One person that I do need to forgive is myself, because I will often think back to that marriage and tell myself what an idiot I was for marrying him and remaining in the marriage. All the red flags were there on our first date. And yet I married him anyway. My self-esteem was so low at that point that I jumped at the chance of being with him because he had paid attention to me. He went on a date with me and wanted to see me again. No one had ever done that before. I was terrified that if I wasn't with him I wouldn't have another opportunity to be with someone else. So one of these days I need to forgive that lonely young woman and remind her that she has grown since then and has learned from her mistakes. I have to remind her that she is no longer the same person she once was and now indeed has what she has always wanted: the love of a good man.

[Greybeard_69]

I don't think there is ever, "A right time to leave" one thing i noticed with my mothers situation was it wasn't the abuse that made her decide to leave but the fact that he was screwing around on her. She could explain the broken collar bone, and the stitcher's in her head and forgive him for it because "he was drunk at the time", or because "he really did love her". kuriousnature, if u have the support of your friends, then the times right. I know its a scary thing to walk out and start over. My thoughts are with you kuriousnature and I hope your safe and my thoughts are with you.

My main reasons to post here are in support of those that have and those that are going through abuse. If any thing I have posted or do posts offends or causes a triger, then I apologize as this is not my intention.

I have been through my own personal hell with abuse, It was not sexual nor was there a lot of physical abuse. It was mainly verbal and emotional abuse.
funny how it can take u 14 hours to decide if your going to post what u write.

[kuriousnature]

Selash and Greybeard,
I thank you so much for coming here and offering support to all of us. The world is a better place because there are people who care enough to stand up and speak out and support survivors.
Everyone else,
I thank you all for you support and prayers. We are at a cross roads right now and I still do not know what path I am going to take. I truely appreciate everyones patience and support.

As to the issue of forgiveness. I forgive becuase I know that I have to. I know that they people that have hurt me were in turn hurt themselves. I know that they mostly likely do not know anyother way, and while they may be hurting me, it is becuase of their past. I however do not know if i will forgive myself, or stop taking repsponsibility for their actions as my own. However I do know that every morning that I get up and make the effort to greet the day with a smile instead of tears, they have lost just one more ounce of control over me....

[denuseri]

whenever the forgiveness hurdle gets in front of me, and i know i am wrong for not wanting to forgive them, it just has to be done in my mind, i tell myself all sorts of things to try and convice myself that they , all people deserve forgiveness,, sometimes i succeed and sometimes i fail,, i dont think i will ever be able to completely forgive them because it allways feels like i havent, every time i rember part of what they did too me, it starts all over again

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by Greybeard_69:
funny how it can take u 14 hours to decide if your going to post what u write.

wow...sometimes it only takes you 14 hours?

I have taken a long time to post. There have been times when I deleted everything I typed and logged out, only to do the same thing the next day.

I have heard some people say "it shouldn't be so difficult. it's the internet. It's not like someone is in the room with you."

The difficulty isn't in that someone is or isn't in the room, it's in sharing details about hard times in your life, for some of us terrifying times. And the people here on this thread are not just names on a screen, After all that we have shared, there are stories attached to those names, and hopes and dreams. There are people attached to those names.

I think it would be safe to say many of us have done the same thing, sometimes more than once.

Originally posted by Greybeard_69:
I have been through my own personal hell with abuse, It was not sexual nor was there a lot of physical abuse. It was mainly verbal and emotional abuse.

I can't let this pass without comment. Please don't trivialize what happened because it was only verbal and/or emotional. It is what it is...abuse.

In my opinion, one of the reasons people have more trouble with verbal and emotional abuse is they think to themselves (as well as being told this by others) "at least I wasn't beaten. I never landed in a hospital. What do I have to complain about?"

By trivializing it they ignore what happened and blame themselves when they can't handle it. They don't deal with it and it comes back and deals with them. Self blame keeps the wound fresh and bleeding. It is the abuse that keeps on abusing.

It is difficult, but come here for you too.

I know how it is to have been verbally and emotionally abused. It happened to me, and kept me messed up for years. One day, after finally telling my therapist about it, she said. "Oh my God, that's child abuse. You were abused. Why didn't you tell me about this before? We should have been working on this all along."

This was knowledge I couldn't handle, so I rejected it outright. "Me, abused? Abuse only happens to other people." Now, many years later, I have to admit that it is abuse. Otherwise I can't heal.

A bdsm forum was the last place I would have ever thought to find healing, but I have. I shared some scary stuff, and totally surprised myself when I said something useful to someone.

(I even told myself once, I need to go through here and read all my postings, because I need to hear and do what I'm suggesting to other people.)

Remember, come here for you.

Originally posted by denuseri:
whenever the forgiveness hurdle gets in front of me, and i know i am wrong for not wanting to forgive them

denu, it might not be a question of not wanting to, but one of being able too. There is still so much emotion wrapped up in what happened to you I don't think it's the right time yet. It's not possible.

What I am trying to do is let go of my abuse, to release it and allow it to become detached from me. When I can look at it without all the emotion, the fear, the horror, the hate, then maybe I will be able to turn around and forgive.

Some people find it helpful to meditate on the letting go. They picture how their life would be if they could look at the abuse and acknowledge it the same way they look at their car. "I have a blue car" -fact. "I was abused" -fact. It is impossible for some to forgive while the wound still bleeds.

You are not wrong, you,re just not ready yet. ~hugs denu~

[denuseri]

Thanku so much for that Ash i think it reallu helped me,,,huggggggs

[Kuskovian]

Call me a throw back, but it is against my nature to "forgive" any animal that has done the things they have done to my girl. I will burn in the depths before I do.

There are things that don't deserve to be forgiven.

This does not mean you need hold onto your rage, for the soul that eats only hate cannot thrive.

Trancend what has happened, grow again with love for each other, for you have survived like the trees of a long winters embrace.

[gemmy]

Call me a throw back, but it is against my nature to "forgive" any animal that has done the things they have done to my girl. I will burn in the depths before I do.

There are things that don't deserve to be forgiven.

This does not mean you need hold onto your rage, for the soul that eats only hate cannot thrive.

Trancend what has happened, grow again with love for each other, for you have survived like the trees of a long winters embrace.

I couldn't agree more!!

denu, it might not be a question of not wanting to, but one of being able too. There is still so much emotion wrapped up in what happened to you I don't think it's the right time yet. It's not possible.

What I am trying to do is let go of my abuse, to release it and allow it to become detached from me. When I can look at it without all the emotion, the fear, the horror, the hate, then maybe I will be able to turn around and forgive.

Some people find it helpful to meditate on the letting go. They picture how their life would be if they could look at the abuse and acknowledge it the same way they look at their car. "I have a blue car" -fact. "I was abused" -fact. It is impossible for some to forgive while the wound still bleeds.

You are not wrong, you,re just not ready yet. ~hugs denu~

Sorry ash but I don't believe all people Should be forgiven and as Kuskovian says, some animals don't deserve it.

I neither can forget nor will ever forgive what my tormentors did to me over Several years. They knew what they were doing. They weren't mentally ill or sick in any way. They did it simply because they could. I would happily see them rot in hell and will dance on their pathetic graves when they finally die. That whole what goes around comes around bs everyone talks about - to me is just a way to self soothe. These people tormented, tortured, raped not only me but other children that came around as well and others throughout the course of their lives - They are still living to a nice, ripe, healthy old age. That's what goes around - abusers will always have the upper hand and all we can do is try to distance ourselves from it, that's all I think anyone can do really.

Even if you do get the satisfaction of bringing them before the authorities (having fully humliated yourself in front of random strangers probing your every sexual thought and motive - yes, I did go this route and lost after being further humiliated); what does it get you? Are you then going to forgive them? No, you are no farther ahead and just back to putting distance between you and them, physically, emotionally and mentally.

*the 'you' in the above statements is just a general term and not personally pointed to anyone, thank you*

[Selash]

*strikes fist to chest*

I am not a vindictive Man. But, abusers Piss Me right the Hell Off... Few have ever seen Me enraged... the couple that had where quoted as say it was the "sacriest thing they have ever seen"... Anyone who thinks they have the right to abuse, in anyway, Shall have thier heads on a pike in My front yard, after I burn their home and salt thier land. Forgive mistakes, forgive wrongdoings, forgive a moment of weakness. Abuse shall not be tolerated, forgiven, marginallized or whitewashed.


*returns to My chair and lets the dark clouds gather, gently holding the hand of the woman I love most in the world*